Bretony Speaks the Truth

2012-02-01T16:00:00.000-05:00

hello everyone!

It's February 1st 2012, and do you know what that means?? Yup! Day 1 of my february habit forming! yaaayy!!

Goal number one was a huge bust tho, not even gonna lie (Wake up early, blah)... I mean, I didn't wake up THAT late, there is still sun outside, so I'm good! (but I am gonna work on getting up earlier tho, i'm such a night person!)

Finished my 8-minute abs (since I couldn't go to the gym, but I'll do that tomorrow!)

Gonna work on my Russian and Japanese on the train today, and I learned how to play "someone like you" (kinda) on the guitar!

Idk you guys, I think the hardest part of doing anything is starting, and finishing...but mainly starting. And since I actually started, I feel pretty good. Doing it every single freakin day is gonna be blowing me at first, I already know! But I must do it! i must have control over my life! Ahhhhhhh!

I hope you guys are doing this too dangit! let me know your journey!!!

peace and chicken grease!

Seacrest, out!

(and watch my dang video!)

2012-01-23T00:01:00.000-05:00

Hey Yawl!

It's a month into the new year... and what df do you have to show for it??!! By golly, this year is moving at the speed of light huh?? Anyyywhoo, I know that life is going by really fast, yet seems slow at times, but actually, it's really fast, so don't waste it. I remember my homie Alexis had a facebook status (p.s. i'm back on facebook and twitter! (blahhh)), that I will now roughly try to remember...

actually, nevermind, lemme go look for it... hold on!

see how fast that took! Back already!

"Imagine there is a bank account that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course? Each of us has such a bank. It's name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to a good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no over draft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no drawing against "tomorrow." You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success! The clock is running!! Make the most of today."

Moral of the story, don't waste precious time in your life that you may think you have a lot of. It's constantly moving and will never stop or reverse. So if you don't use it... now! It is gone forever.

I read on another one of my friend's twitter today (forgot who, sorry!) that if you do something for 28 days, it becomes a habit. If you have a bad habit of doing nothing with all of your time, OR not making the most of it, I suggest you make a list of some things that you can do to form new, more productive habits! I have tried to make a semi list. Not sure wether I should wait to start February 1st, (since Feb. has 28 days) or to just do it now. I should probably do it now! lol, anywho, I will share my list, and then you can let me know anything else that would be productive to add!

1. gym/ working out
2. Facial exercises
3. Waking up early
4. eating 3 times a day
5. doing one new thing a day
6. meeting one new person a day
7. doing one good deed a day
8. Filming something everyday
9. Eating an apple a day (?)
10. Eat more fruit and veggies
11. practice Russian and Japanese
12. Practice guitar
13. Write everyday

Doing all of that stuff every day for 28 days isn't too much right? It would probably take up an hour all together at the most. But that's just the start of my list. I have just realized that one of the main things my life lacks is structure. I am a freaking wandering leaf! Trust me, my life will still have all of its spontaneity, but I just need to use my downtime MUUUCH more wisely.

Lemme know ya thoughts on my truth for that azz!

peace in the middle east!

2012-01-05T03:10:00.002-05:00

Hey guess what!

I deleted my facebook and twitter the beginning of this year... randomly as all heck! why you may ask? They were just so distracting to my life! I would find myself waking up and immediately checking the timeline, then scroll...scroll...scroll...SCROLL! till the death of me! I need to stop worrying about what other people are doing, and do something of my own. Also, real g's move in silence (i.e. "lasagna"). So everybody doesn't really need to know my every move of every single day! I do still have my blog to keep me sane...and also tumblr to keep me laughing, and instagram to feed my vanities (i know, i know... terrible). Let's see if people will still care what I'm doing since i'm not on those sites anymore...

confession tho, I actually do have a back up facbook tho, but i only have less than 100 followers, so that doesn't really count for much. I really just wanted to get away from all of those thousands of watchers stalkin me everyday... get away from all of those people who secretly get on my nerves, but i was still facebook friends with, sprawled all over my home page...lots of drama! I'm sure I'll be back tho, as always... but I needed a break!

I've also decided on the deserted island I want to move to. Kiribati, Kirimus! It's really such a beautiful place (you can look it up on google maps). It's not really all the way deserted, but it's pretty darn secluded. All I really need is a beach to be naked and nappy headed on. Ahhhhhh, the life!

But ok guys, I'm gonna go and prosper right now. Trying to be as productive as I can this year. Remember this general rule of physics... a body at rest, stays at rest... a body in motion, stays in motion! truth.net!

okie doke guys, peace in the middle east!

p.s.

I recently did a fashion flash mob in times square with this designer Julian Pierre (I wasn't in the video that much, they were hating on my swag, but I'm in there!), and the video came out so effin poppin!!!! the quality is just amayzinggggg! I researched a camera similar to the one it was filmed with, and that is now my new goal in life. I speak it into existence!!! canon t3i here I come! (oh, and check out the video)

peace!

2012-01-02T04:17:00.000-05:00

Hey!

It's 2012! ahhhhhh!! I was gonna blog on the actually new year, but my laptop died.... but now it's charging!

I feel like I was so super negative last year, and I really don't believe in the whole "new year, new me" things, but I would really like to stop being so negative all the time. I feel like I could be a bitch sometimes to certain people, and just be really mean. Even tho, sometimes I just don't like being taken advantage of! I feel like everyday is a new opportunity to change yourself anyway. We should always take these opportunities, not just on New Years! There are a few things I wanna change, but I mean hey, I so could have done them last year, and I could easily do them this year if I think about them... but we shall see. I never really know what's going to happen until it's happening.

anywho! Point of the story, this year, I will be as positive as a hoe's pregnancy test, and try to be more nice to everyone :)

even tho being a bitch is fun at times! (i'll see tho, I'll choose my battles )

Hope everyone has a good life in general, not just a good "new year"

deuce!

2011-12-26T01:47:00.001-05:00

Bretony on RELATIONSHIPS!

(ooh la la!)

I barely EVER talk about my relationship life, because well.... I really try to keep it Jay z and Beyonce up in here. I feel like if everyone know all my problems/ or good times, what good is that really gonna help anything. And besides, Idk if I've ever felt so compelled by someone i've dated to talk about them in a blog : / (step it up people!!)

Sometimes I question if i've ever even been in love. I mean sure, I say it , but do I really know what it means? Like really? Do I know the distinguishment between love and just lust? or that new feeling of seeing someone new? I feel like I'm just so picky, and needy of attention in relationships, that no one has ever really came close to exactly what I'm looking for....it's always something!

I wonder if i'll ever get married. Because I really want a little girl (twins really), but I would NEVER think of raising a kid on my own (just not for me!). But being with one person who isn't EVERYTHING to me... for the rest of my life? nahhh, too weird of a thought. And I would never get a divorce. Atleast I'd never want to. I feel like that's such a quitter thing to do. (Unless he's like beating me, but then I'd feel VERY justified in murdering him... so that's technically not a divorce right?).

I've just never been completely happy in any relationship i've ever been in. I'm not really even sure what I really want anymore. But i'll tell you what I think I want!

1. Someone who DOESN'T cheat, or give me any idea that they are cheating... like wtf yo!

2. Someone who thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in the world (I know I'm not, but I would like to BELIEVE that I am to them)

3. Someone who pays attention to me. I am an attention whore and I know it dammit!

4. Someone who supports me, my dreams, my beliefs, my morals, etc.

5. Someone who laughs at all my jokes. (very important. must laugh at them all. seriously.)

6. Someone who isn't territorial, TOO jealous (it's ok to be a tad jealous), clean, and fair... and NOT hypocritical!!

7. Someone who want's to do something with their life and not just be a lazy bumbaclot!

8. Someone happy, yet argumentative. (i love to argue)

9. Someone easy on the eyes.

10. And someone smart, who will grow with me, and work with me, and not against... be for me and not opposing of things that I do.

Is this so much to ask!?? It must be, because I haven't found it...

Sometimes I feel like I just need to be a pimp, and get what I get from who I get it from, siiiiiiiighhhhhh

Where do we go from here!?

2011-12-22T01:20:00.001-05:00

Excuses

I make them, you make them. But why? Who are we really trying to fool? Others, or mainly ourselves?

I have come to the realization (which I am ALWAYS doing these days huh??!), that I mainly make excuses for everything in trying to convince myself that I'm not as effed up of a person as I am. I sleep alot because I'm tired, and I need my rest to keep looking as fresh as I can, so that in case someone sees me on the streets they can think of me as a model and host, and so my body can function better during the time that I am awake.... wtf is that bull ish excuse Bretony??? Come onnnn, you know some of that is kinda true, but goodness gracious. I should just plain ole go to bed earlier, then I would have a more normal sleep schedule and not sleep so long. Also, sleeping is actually addictive. The more you sleep, the more your body feels like you need sleep, so the more you will be sleeping. And nothing will ever get done! That's just one example!

I'm sure we all have that one thing that we are telling ourselves is one way, when actually, there is another reality that we don't exactly want to admit. As to...why we aren't where we should exactly be in our lives right now maybe? hmmm?? think about it!

"I can't get a good job because I can't go to college because I'm broke because I can't get a job! If I had a good job, I'd go to college and get a better job... blah blah blah"

That's bull crap (a.k.a an excuse). There are plenty of differ ant ways to do things. Just because you aren't doing it a certain way...the way you probably want to... the EASY way... doesn't mean there isn't another way to get it done. All roads lead to Rome, and yadda yadda! Point is, at the end of the day, there really is no excuse for anything! Just effing get it done, or that's on YOU and only YOU!

Just some motivational advice as I analyze my own flaws!

p.s. Always remember... Precious was on the cover of magazines!! Kim Kardashian is in movies, And Arnold Swartzingere (sp) is the freakin governor of the biggest state in America! (that always inspires my motivation)

peace in the middle east yall!

Let me know what else you guys want me to talk about!

2011-12-13T23:37:00.000-05:00

Epiphanies...

Bretony here...hey! What are yall up to? You never really tell me! Anywho, life is still life. I'm still living. I am still thinking to wits end about every aspect of everything that happens and/or doesn't/ But here I am to blog! Why not ya know? I'm here, I have a computer, I have stuff to say, no excuse not to!

I have epiphanies all the time (I love that word), and I will share a few with you now:

-The grass is DEF always greener on the other side. We know this, yet we STILL wanna go to the other side to at least see what it's like. We still will yearn to be on that other side.

- I kind of actually don't like modeling. Well, the industry of modeling. So effing superficial, whimsical, flakey, backstabbing, fake... and many more fun adjectives that I can't think of right now. Sure people are beautiful, sure people have a "different or unique" look and you want them to take pictures in your clothes, with your make up on, in front of some background... but then what? The next person comes! EVERY body has a different and unique face, so who are we to say that one face is better than the next? And they get put on such a pedestal! I use to want to model because I though that then people would think that I too was beautiful... but it's really just me being super fckn self-conscious. And I hate it. What I DO like however, is creating beautiful artful images that people look at and stare at and think for more than a moment. The problem is, none of the "good" photographers want you, or will ever even see you, unless you go through the bullshyt process. Eh, well. It's just that when people say they love modeling, and all they wanna do is model... I'm like... why?? ew.

- I don't think drugs are bad. Well...tehehe. Lemme explain. I think that anything in moderation is fine, it's just the overdoses that cause recklessness. As with anything tho, too much of a good thing, is a bad thing. The only reason "drugs" are labled as drugs, are for the misuse. Hospitals have "drugs" for petes sake, they just give it in approved "Doses" so we won't kill ourselves. Just think, maybe the hospital gives out some form of e pill to depression patients so they can be happy... they just label it "take one every week" or something, and it balances everything out. I just really don't think they're all that bad. No worse than anything else we put in our bodies every single freakin day (i.e. grease, sugar, alcohol, lard, salt...). I have nothing against the recreational (occasional) use of drugs. It's just that some people don't know when to quit, and over time... I do think that it changes a persons whole personality. For example weed. Have you ever had a conversation with a weed head? Like a REALLLLL weed head? They sound dumb as hails! And they're so lack luster about everything! It's like their pace is at %50 percent less than the rest of the world. Sometimes people think that need drugs to act a certain way, but it's really just all in the mind. We do them to escape for a minute from the reality of life. But who wants a permanent vacation from life?

The rest are short epiphanies that I will explain later, cuz I know yall won't read all this! ya lazies...

- people talk about sex waaaaay too much, and there is too much nudity everywhere. I feel like there is no surprise element to anything anymore, and I'm becoming a bit unfazed by the whole thing.

- Going out every night is not good for anyone. I know it's VERY hard to not party when it seems like everyone else is, and that you MIGHT miss something really fun if you don't go out. But really, it's not good.

- How well do you know these people you call "friends"? the term is so loose.

- You grow up so fast, don't waste your childhood/teen hood/ young adult hood. Time does NOT go backward (wish it did), but only forward.

- At the end of the day, you have to live your life. Because guess what. Unless reincarnation exists (which it might), we only have one of those lives to live (no soap opera). Experience things, experience people, go places, don't get stuck doing the same thing forever!

- If you don't know, ask somebody....

Peace in the middle east!

2011-12-08T02:18:00.006-05:00

You, you, I think about you

Yes every night and day I think about you,

Are you thinkin bout me too?

Cuz I haven't got a clue

And I haven't got a care

well atleast I don't act like it.

But you still think I'm pretty when I look like sh*t

and it's

kinda fckn crazy

a hoe is still a lady

or is she just a baby

or is it just maybe

I don't want you to leave

I want you to believe me

it's easy

Thought you were on my team

now

all I wanna do is scream

out... out...

why? the fck? would you give up?

on love, on us?

for her, for him?

for pride with-in? Original sin?

Baby tell me right now,

are you out, are you in?

Do you wanna just start all over again?

Go back to the good times, forget about the bad

Please baby please, I don't wanna be sad

You were all that I had to depend on,

lean on

taught me how to get my green on,

be strong

I'm weak

You put a hole in my heart

I leak

Bleed

You're all that I need

You're all that I mutha fkcn need!

2011-11-22T22:13:00.002-05:00

everyday I sit and try to unlock all of the secrets in my life. Why am I was made the way I am. WHy I do the things I do. Why why why. Just why everything! Why not, how come, when did this...why did they.... so many inquisitions, and so little answers ever come. Everything in my life is so.... unanswered. Why aren't things more simple? Why must everything be so complex? Why do some questions go unanswered? Why is my life such a dam mess sometimes? Why am I so dam bipolar? Will I ever find love? Am I just unlovable?

I feel like I need a drink. But then again, I feel like none of that stuff helps anything. It's like sweeping dirt under a rug. Looks nice, but it doesn't solve much of anything in the long run... AND in the end, you'll have hella dirt!

Anywho, I wish that others could see life the way I see it. See the world through my eyes.

2011-10-28T19:52:00.003-04:00

Welp you guys!

It's been about a month since I've quit my job... and about a month since I've looked at my bank account! But I am very happy with how my life is developing post-employment. For one, I've been in Miami practically the whole month of October! I freakin love Miami! The first time I went was with my main bishes Shatara, Mickey, and Milly. It was suchhhhhh a needed vacation! Like you don't even understand how much I needed that. We laughed, we cried, we got drunk (we actually STAYED drunk like the whole time...) It was just magical! The second time I went, was get this, for a modeling job! Yup! They flew my lil a** out there, paid for my accommodations, and on top of that, paid me a NICE salary :)

It was for a hair coloring event, and it went really well. Since I've been back, I go on a lot of castings and have photo shoots every now and then. Still want to mainly get on television... this however seems to be extremely tricky. Getting your foot in the door is so weird! And networking is even weirder. it's like I meet a lot of people, but how do I just come out and say "help me acheive my goals mofo!" You can't! you have to be way more subtle. I swear they need to teach a class.

Anywho, modeling seems to be pretty apparent in the meantime, so that's good since I do like to do that :) But I am still working on my main destiny. Sharing myself with the world!

It will come people...

and if you don't know...

betta ask some dang body!

2011-09-27T16:37:00.002-04:00

Hello Cruel World!!

Hello everyone! It's your favorite person ever again, Bretony! woop!

So many changes! If you follow my twitter or facebook, you may know... I quit my office job!

(p.s. I hate the word quit. I don't just "give up", I move ON!)

I didn't even know I was gonna quit that job when I went into work that day either. Things just kinda...happened! I was sitting at my desk on minute, and the next thing you know, my boss is yellin at me for something I "did wrong", which I don't think I really did all that wrong, so I simply siad I would fix it, and he said it was more serious than that...

Like wtf do you want me to do tho?? All I can do is say I'll fix it, and you can either take that or LEAVE that, ya know? But naaaw, at the end of the work day, he called me into his office for a "meetin" where he told me that my attitude has been blah since a few months ago (when he had ANOTHER meeting with me about making youtube videos on "office time"... blah). He kept saying how my attention hasn't been fully on working in the office, and my mind was else wear, and that he didn't care what else had going on in life. Hold up! I did NOT move all the way to NYC just to be an officer manager. Nope! If i'm not focused, it's because I'm not freakin focusing on making "the man" rich. I want to fulfill MY destiny! I came here to be great and do great things. And that's when I quit! Best. Decision. EVARRR!

I don't even want another job. Now is the time for me to really focus on what I came here to do, wholeheartedly. I got way too comfortable in the job. And compliance isn't good! It was way too safe, way too easy for me to be lazy in other aspects of my life. Now I have no excuses but to excel.

When I quit my job on Wednesday, I was flipping thru channels that night and realized, I was on the episode of Law and Order they were showing! That Monday, TWO checks came in the mail for me. And today, Tuesday, I had 2 amazing castings for a great designer, and a fashion show in Miami! ANDDD tomorrow, I'm gonna be shooting a promo for a new MTV show! Like wtf??? Why didn't I quit sooner!??

I know this may seem like a rash decision to everyone else, but I feel great about it! I have only the best feelings about what is to come for me SOON. It will be great. It will be televised! It will live on!

OK peeps, I'm off to be more productive! Stay tuned for more truth!

Better ask somebody!

p.s. Watch me again on Law and Order Svu this Wednesday!! Holla!!!

2011-09-14T13:21:00.000-04:00

Does everything happen for a reason?

I have been back and forth with wether or not I should believe this is true. It's like... you wanna think that everything you are doing, everything that everyone else is doing, and everything in this life has a meaning and purpose.... but does it? Has everything for us been pre-determined to the point that every action, even little ones, are all planned out for us? I sometimes believe this is true, but other times, it just doesn't make sense. And here is the main reason why:

From what I have come to know, as far as God is concerned, is that he created the world and all of existence one day because he was bored and lonely all by himself in the universe. He made the galaxy, animals and stuff, and then finally images in his form. Now it is said that God is all knowing, but it is also said that he made man with "free will". We are free to either serve him, or to not serve him... it's up to us. But what gets me is, if he is all knowing...why knowingly create beings that would even HAVE the "free will" NOT to serve God? Is it really up to us?? And if it in fact is, why would God create, knowing that some would be eternally damned for NOT serving? It's semi, kinda, not our fault if you actually think about it.

Also, why create a world in which you already know that outcome of everything already? Is it like watching a favorite movie of yours? In where you already know the ending, how everything is gonna play out, and you even know it word for word, but you still enjoy watching? Maybe that's it. It's all very mysterious to me.

Maybe all of us have specific tasks in our lives... "goals" rather... that we will all achieve in our lifetime. Maybe the route specifically is all up to us. Maybe there is an easy, lucky, fun way... and maybe there is a hard, depressing, violent way.

Are our lives really already planned out for us in every single step? Or is there still a chance to be.... unpredictable?

What do you guys think?

p.s. I know we shouldn't really be questioning God like this, but I am really kinda confused on this subject. It's not like someone shot my friend and I'm all like "WHY GOD, WHYYYY!???" It's a legitimate question!

2011-09-02T20:08:00.004-04:00

Backtrack....

I want you all to try something. It's kinda weird, but my mind goes on tangents sometimes. Really weird ones. So I was randomly thinking about life, and how mine came to be what it is, and all the things that have happened. And then... I started backtracking.

Now let me explain backtracking: You take something small or big in your life, anything. My example will be meeting someone special. So you look at the event, and look back at the events that led up to that particular thing, and go back as far as you can. So let me do my example for you:

Met someone special :)

- Met them at a birthday party for my friend

- Met that friend at a model hosting event which my OTHER friend invited me to

- Met THAT friend at a modeling job I got near times square

- Got the modeling job because I was randomly walking down the street

with this bouncer from a strip club, and someone suggested I be a model for them.

- I met the bouncer when I auditioned for the strip club! (cocktail waitress position of course!)

So then I look at all of this, and I'm like wow, what if I never would have went into that strip club to apply for a job? Would I have still met that someone? Would it have been the wrong place, wrong time? It's so crazy.

You can also do it the opposite way, starting with a small event too, or maybe a bad event which could have sparked something great. I'll give an example!

If I never would have met my crazed ex-bf...

I would have never learned about this one social media website....

I would have never met my friend on the east coast....

I would have never gotten such good friends.....

They would have never said yes to me staying with them on the east coast....

I would have never lived in NYC!*

*Well, I'm suuuure I would have lived in NYC eventually, but ya know!

Any who, I think you all should try it. It makes you more of a believer in "everything happens for a reason" in a way... or something like that. I just think that the most random events, could actually be the most life changing.

Let me know what you guys come up with! :)

2011-08-02T13:55:00.003-04:00

Hello everyone.

How are you all doing? Life is...

Idk...

I always think about life all the time. Every aspect of it...the beginning, the middle, the end, the choices, the predispositions, the factors, the luck, the sadness, the coincidences, everything. Its all freakin weird, and I wonder why things are the way they are. I've been REALLL contemplative lately, and I just don't know why. Well actually, I kinda do. But I wont go into that right now.

My boss found my secret youtube channel, so my series "When my bosses go to lunch" had to be cancelled. Which freakin sucks! My boss called me in for a meeting about it saying something about stealing company time, and not being serious about work. U

mmmm, hello! Those videos were averaging about 5 minutes each, NOT even everyday. Who df were they hurting? I need an outlet for my passions! I understand a SMIDGE, but not really... let me live!

I just wish I could do what it was I wanted to do in life without all the drama. Sometimes I feel like it would be better back in the olden days (like the 50s or 60s) when everyone didn't think they knew everything about everything, and we were all learning together... and they took a chance more on people.

Nowadays, there are so many politics involved with everything people wanna do. There is such a process for everything. Back then, when pe

ople applied for a job or something, they just walked right into a place, talked to a manager, they decided right then and there if they wanted you (or at least I think it went mostly like that). Now, you have to apply online, wait like a million years for someone to call you back, THEN go on a second interview, with like 30 other suck up a** people, then wait another million years... and then like 30 more thing

s. All for a dumb stupid wack job that requires NO skills! Like... really? wtf?!

And let's talk about how everything requires experience... How do you get experience if the people you're trying to get experience WITH want you to have... experience? The system is all wrong I tell you. Who made these rules? Who told the people on top that they were the final voice in everything? Just because they were the first doesn't mean they get to make it more difficult for everyone else to make their way up.

That's why I dont really like doing things the systematic way. I have a weird way of getting everything done. People may shun it in the begi

nning, but if you aren't doing things differently, then you'll just end up lost in the imperfect system, stuck forever in a "process".

Break free people! Fight the system...fight the power...fight the man.

and all that jazz.

and if you don't know... you better ask somebody!! Someone commented that they missed me saying that, I miss it too! :)

* Also!! if you have any questions, comments, concerns, or need advice about anything, feel free to leave a comment! I will definitly get back to you guys. or you can email me bretonymcgee@gmail.com woop!

**Allllsooo, my other favorite blogger/person in the whole wide world did a photo shoot with me! Go visit her blog to see pics! And if you're in the nyc area, she is doing photo shoots all week, so go book! www.alexisbelon.com

2011-07-18T00:47:00.002-04:00

FINDING YOURSELF (and all that cliche' b.s.)

So, I've realized something about myself. I'm always loosing myself!

I know that everything can't always be about me in life, but DAMMIT, I feel like it's hardly ever about me anymore! This always happens when I let people into my life. They end up becoming the number one priority. But where am I in all of this? I often forget what it is I've come here to do. It's so easy to get distracted by the things in life that may seem fun or better than what your actual reality may consist of: Partying every night, drugs, money, love... all cloud reality of what you really need to be doing in your life if you want to succeed. Its tough to turn down what everybody is offering, what everybody else is doing. Its hard to be different. And I mean TRULY different...not fake different (which is what everybody THINKS they are, but in actuality, its all really just the same).

I care way too much sometimes. Im not enough of a bitch. I'm really not assertive enough, and I'm FAAAR to indecisive when it comes to certain things. I really need to change that if I think I'm going to make it far in this world.

There are way too many factors of life that we have to think about all the time... sometimes it gets too much! Like, what are we supposed to think about the most? I guess thats where our passion and priorities come in to play. Idk you guys, sometimes I just get overwhelmed by everything. As I;m sure everyone does at times. Life is weird.

In other news, I got a tan! I go to the beach and the pool a lot. I love the water, even though I can't really swim at all. Water is just relaxing, and engulfing. And the beach... I just absolutely adore the beach. It's like my second home. I love the beautiful things in this world. the natural artwork of God that remains pure. It make you think.

I also quit one of my 2 jobs. I wanna quit this other one too actually. I'm just over working at this point. Most of my friends don't have jobs. I just want to be free from the shackles of the man once and for all! Is that so much to ask??!!

ok you guys, gotta go to sleep now... I lOVE it when you guys comment. It gives me lyfe!! I'm glad to know people are reading this, and I love the feedback :)

2011-07-04T20:33:00.004-04:00

Inspiration/ Hateration (Holleration - in this Dancery)

Idk wtf Mary J. Blige was talking about, but this is a perfect title for this blog.

The memory of my mom is still VERY fresh in my memory. I had a dream about her last night. She was alive again somehow. Scientists like took her body and made it move again, but it wasn't her inside. She was just a shell of herself, going through the motions. Whateve

r it was of her, I took it, and was happy that she was back. When I woke up...nothing. It's really strange.

I've been really trying to get on with my normal everyday life however. I quit one of my jobs (Forever 21). I was so over it! I'm glad I quit. Back to being broke though, but I don't really mind about all of that. Least of my problems really.

I'm watching this Beyonce' video on youtube about her and her new album and all that shizz... I love Beyonce' son! She's inspiring to me. Even though, my mind can't help but to wander when I think about how she started her career... everybody was helping her do everything! She was never poor, she had everything she wanted. Parents as her freakin managers. Beautiful AND talented. Like wtf??! And then I think, Bretony...you. are. a hater. Which is true sometimes!! And it kills me, because I really don't wanna be. I'm always comparing myself to other people and other things they are doing. I hate seeing beautiful women sometimes because I get soooooo freakin envious of them. I want to look like them, and then I get mad because I don't. Same goes for talented people who are famous. I get mad. I want that. Why don't I have that. I know that nobody really wants to admit being envious (I can

't spell jelouse), but I'm just trying to say how I really, honestly, truthfully feel.

Bottom line is, the hater in me, is also what inspires me. I know that I can do better than all of these people, and I will do just that. Let that be your passion and motivation. Take all of the bad thoughts you are feeling, and turn them into what will drive you to do better. I'm going to work and work, until these ideas in my head are realities. I'm going to keep checkin my email everyday because I know that one day, it won't just be filled with twitter and facebook notification updates, but there will be that one email from that one important person, that will completely change the mundane course of my l

ife. I just have to keep at it. Never give in to the people who says your dreams are dumb. All of the most famous people say you need to dream big. I sometimes don't even like to call it "dreaming", because dreams aren't real at all. What I have in my head is bigger than dreams... they are pre-realities. (I might have to work on calling it something else before I tell too many other people that though :/). If anybody knows me really, you should know that I have my sights set pretty high, and I don't really plan on lowering them. Even though things in my life get frustrating as all fuck... like my mom randomly dying... like my kitty chewing through my brand new macbook charger -______-

I have to endure. It will be worth it :)

p.s. a GREAT article on what i've discussed in this blog. How to stop being envoius... http://briankim.net/blog/2006/10/how-to-stop-being-envious-of-others/

p.p.s. I don't remember taking this picture, buuuut. cute? (me and sisters)

2011-06-20T02:53:00.002-04:00

Why....

Well you guys, if you read my blog alot, you might remember a post where I talked about my life and the cycle of good and bad things that happen to me one week after the other practically. So, you know how I was all happy and whatever about buying my mac? The world doesn't like Bretony to be happy for too long I suppose....

This father's day morning, my mother died of a blood clot in her lungs. She was in perfect health just a week ago, then bam, this goes and happens.

When my dad and sister called to tell me, I immediately thought...is this April the 1st? Why would they joke about this? This isn't real, I'm just gonna hang up the phone and go back to sleep now. But.... 20 something hours later...I still haven't been back to sleep, so I guess this is reality. This has been such a weird day. I don't really know how to act or feel. To tell you the truth, I've thought about when this day would come, and how I would react. You never really know until it happens. So confused. So many questions. I just don't know much of anything right now. I can't go to sleep, but I have a flight to catch in a few hours back to Detroit. I really didn't wanna go back like THIS tho, under THESE fucking circumstances. Like what the fuck? She wasn't even old. She wasn't even sick. This came completely out of left fucking field. And it's fucked up. I don't know what my family is gonna do anymore. I hadn't even seen my mom since LAST Thanksgiving. Stupid being broke.

My very good friend Alexis heard the news and IMMEDIATELY got on the bus and came over to be with me. THAT is a fucking friend. I didn't really even know what to say, but I cried on her shoulder and told her what I could manage to get out. We spent the day just thinking about life and all the changes that would come. We walked to the park with my other very good friend Milly, and just sat by the Hudson river looking out over the water and talking. I love those two.

SO this is my life now... my life after death. It will take some getting use to. Some more crying i'm sure. Even tho I hate crying.

P.s. I was looking at the birthday card my mom gave me last month. There's a picture of a girl sitting at a desk, and she drew on the desk "Bretony's movie studio New York". I thought it was really cute. I believe now more that ever in my destiny. I have to do it for my mommy.

p.p.s I am not packing a black dress.

2011-06-18T00:04:00.002-04:00

HEY YAWL!

what's been going on with everyone? I want to hear from YOU sometimes ya know? Anywho, I have a new birthday, and that day is TODAY! Today, I finally bought myself a macbook pro! I know right??!! the bomb! I have been wanting one for idk how freakin long. Every thing I've been trying to do to get one, and I've finally freakin got one. And its sooooo sweet! I cant wait to jump into some editing on this baby. I named her candy, and I love her so.

This is just another example of me getting everything I set my mind to. It's like, if I see something as real in my head, without doubts of "what if i don't, what if i can't...blah blah blah", then it comes true eventually! I think thats one of the best parts about my life. Now if I could only focus and do that for this next thing in life that I want. But its hard tho, because I DO doubt sometimes. I really really really try not to you guys, but it. is. HARD! (that's what he said..but anyway)

I feel like I've been going through a quarter life crisis for the majority of this year, and I do not like it! Must snap out of the swagless trance. I will tell you one thing tho...

So, like a month ago, I got signed to this agency non-exclusivly, so I thought that was a pretty good step forward. But low and behold, the devil IS a lie... a few weeks ago, they sent me an email saying that couldn't use my look. -_________-

Now...

First of all, I tried to shake it off and just be like SO/WHATEVER and whatnot, but I am an extremely sensitive person on the inside, and things hurt my feelings! They cut me deep! I felt so old, so fat, so short... so ugly! So unwanted. I believe I need to retire. I really should, but idk. Something inside of me keeps wanting to peruse for some strange dumb stupid reason. I really do not know you guys. I'm just being mad dumb right now I think.

But the focus for right now is my next goal! What will it be? Whatever it is, i know it WILL become a reality, so I have to think long, and hard (insert inappropriate joke #2 here). I have to totally immerse myself in the reality of this goal. I have to think, live, breathe, eat and sleep as if it is already a reality. That is the key...

Aight everybody! hope I inspired sumthin in ya!! Yall come back nah, ya hear?!

2011-05-06T11:27:00.002-04:00

CRAYCRAY!

What is crazy? what is "weird"? These days, I think its like... the new hot thing to call yourself maybe? People like being labeled as crazy and weird I'm starting to believe. But why? Is it just because its something different to be? Why would anyone intentionally wanna be weird and crazy? I mean I guess... I dont really think im that crazy or weird actually. I'd like to be crazy tho. Being crazy seems really fun actually. You get to do whatever you wanna do and people just chalk it up to you being mental. My family actually has a history mental illness, so hey, who knows! Schizophrenia seems like a cool thing to have maybe. I just wouldn't wanna have the violent kind that they lock you up for. I'd wanna be a functional schizoid. I think i'd have hella fun in my day to day life. And i could make a show about it! Shoooot, I know I'd watch.

Being weird is another thing. People like to say, "oh im weird because i do this, or dont do this, or like this, or dont like this..." ok?? That's just different. not necessarily weird per say. Im always a little leery of people who self describe themselves as things anyway. Like people who say, "I'm funny". I listen to everything they say after that like...ok... when is umm... the funny stuff gonna be said?? Just let your actions describe you! Thats the best way i think. Thats why it sometimes gets on my nerves when people want you to describe yourself. You're gonna be perceived differently by everyone. And how are you supposed to know how other perceive you? All you know is how you perceive yourself. Which could be TOTALLY different from how others see you.

now back to being crazy for a minute. i like crazy people. Their mind is so interesting to me. Im HUGE on the mind. As you people should know if you're an avid reader of my bog :)

ANYWHOOOO, im at work, so i guess I should get back to that!

Hollerrrr.

Oh yea, I have a second job now. Retail baybee! -___-

and follow my twittuh! @bretonymcgee

2011-04-13T01:19:00.002-04:00

in case yall forgot how i looked..... Late night blogging! woop! Should be sleeping, but oh wells. Your mind is a powerfull thing. A POWERFULL THING DO YOU HEAR ME! It's the key to everybody's everything really. If you use it wrong, your life is nothing, if you use it right, your life is everything. It seems like such a small thing. A small part of us. It only takes up so much space in our bodies, yet it controls every function, physically and mentally. I think way too much. Over analyze everything! If only I could learn how to utilize the capacity of my brain for the greater good of my life, instead of constantly dwelling on irrelevant and unchangeable things, I would be sooooo the bomb son! All these ideas floating around in my brain. All these ideas that have the ability to formulate. All of these everythings that are waiting to be done! It's all right here in my head!! It's inside of all of your heads too. Why don't we use it the way we should be using it? Let's start using our heads people. Our braings. Our minds. truth.com! (but really, bretony.blogspot.com)

2011-03-26T17:19:00.002-04:00

*SCREAAAAMMMM*

I just wanna scream sometimes. Just go somewhere, and just fkcn scream. But then I think how my throat will hurt after that. So instead of scream, I'm gonna vent all of my feelings out to this blog as I usually do.

I'm depressed. I'm bi-polar as hell, yes I know, I know. But just bear with me! :)

Anywho, I'm depressed. Like, where in the FKC is my life going? What is my life right now? It is nothing! Sometimes I feel like Im not really good at anything. Sometimes I feel like I have no real talent, no real skills. Why do I feel like this at times? Is there something wrong with my brain? I know that we are all our toughest critics, but this is just OD. Will I ever snap out of this fkcn trance I;m in of hopelessness? I just want to be successfull (no trey songz). Why can't I fkcn just be already??!! It's not that I'm lazy, I just don't fkcn know what to do anymore. This life is a fkcn big a** brain puzzle, and I'm fkcn stuck. I'm lost in the world (no kanye).

All I do is talk, talk, talk about this shyt. and write about it. And talk about it with others. But what the fkc is there to DO??? What is there for me to do to reach my life goals? I know I always ask this, but shit!! Sometimes the frustrartion consumes me and I must vent.

Sometimes I feel like I should just fkcn go back to wack ass college, get a stupid fkn degree in some shit that I could give a FKC about, marry some shmuck, have some regular ass kids, have a regular ass job, a fuckin boring ass life, and just fuckin wait till the end of the world to come and fuckin take me away to my eternity.

I know everybody thinks like this sometimes. It's really hard to say out loud, AND type, but I feel like it must be done. I must share my thoughts. If I don't do atleast that, then that would really be sad. To be trapped alone in my mind with all of these terribly depressing thoughts. Eh, not for me.

Some people's purpose is just right there in their fucking faces. It's obvious as fuck, and their path is pretty visable. But me? ahhhhhhhh! ughghhhghghghgh!!! ajkdfhkajhd;flakh;dlkfh;!!!!!

Sorry for these ramblings, I really am. I really really do hate when I have depressing blogs, but they must be written!

But alright, I suppose I'm done for the moment.

Back to doing nothing....

2010-11-30T07:25:00.002-05:00

Reflections on life as I lie awake in bed in the early morning hours of this gloomy Tuesday...

I woke up at about 5AM today, after going to sleep at about 12 i'd say. Ever since I've taken off Tuesday's and Thursday's, I mainly sleep in, im not gonna lie to you guys. Its terrible, and I feel so unaccomplished when I don't wake up in time to do anything real. I'm a night person tho, sheesh! It's always been like that with me. It's also like, there is no SET plan for me to follow on my days off, so it's like...hmm, what should I do today. There are many possibilities, but by the time I finally think of one, I end of thinking of another one, and my brain gets scrambled to the point where I end up not really doing anything. I need guidence.

Life is full of choices. OBVIOUSLY, but I feell like I need to say it mainly for myself. I'm sitting here thinking of what I could be doing today. I have the whole freakin day ahead of me! Whichever choice I choose to make will ultimatly affect the outcome of my life in some way. and thats freakin crazy! Do you know how freakin differant our lives could be if we make ever so slightly differant choices? For some, it may not seem like it would make much a differance, but for others, it may be something huge! Could be the differance between life and death, rich and poor, love and lonliness. Anything really, and thats effin deep.

I know the outcome I want, but the process, the path, that...is the question. The shortest distance between 2 places is a straight line, in this case, the distance between where I am now and where I wanna be. But who the fawk really walks in straight lines?? I've never seen it! When google maps gives you directions, is it ever in a straight line? Hail to the no! Its always a bunch of twits and turns and junk, and then you're lookin at the directions like, wtfeezey? But then you decide to trust it and, you realize that all of those twists and turns that you thought were kinda crazy, or might take you out of the way, were actually necessary to get where you had to be.

I need to get in tune with the google map of my soul. My usual plan is just to start walking outside, and I'll get there eventually. But hey, we don't live forever, and maybe I will get side tracked on my quest to my destination. I must find the best route, and go from there.

We live our lives for what purpose? I am always asking myself this. And the answer seems to change from time to time depending on how I'm feeling. Is it to make ur mark on humanity? (But humanity is temporary). Is it to live your life to the fullest? is it to be as rich as you can? as happy as you can? to love? what?? what is it? what is considered a successful life?

I must try not to get disappointed because of the choices in life that i make, or the life that i was specifically given. it may seem like others have it easier, are prettier, or smarter, or have it all together. but guess what... oh i dont know. I'm still figuring this thing out myself. if anybody has any input or feedback, i would like to hear what you guys have to say :)

AND IF YA DONT KNOW u betta ask some dang on body...

p.s. why do they say life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get? If I'm buyin a box of chocolates, why df wouldn't I know what kinda chocolates are in there?? I aint tryna accidently bite into no punk a** coconut a** chocolate...or stupid mint. gross. I say, life is like the weather...can change in an instant!

2010-11-13T15:59:00.002-05:00

OMG! My mom reads my blog!

Yup! Just found this out like yesterday. Glad I didnt make that "say whatever I really feel blog" haha!! My mom always use to read my diarys when I was a kid tho so eh. I even remember a time when my sisters stole my diary, broke the lock off, and conveniently highlighted the parts that they thought my mom should pay particular intrest to. SHAKIN MY HEAD. I wish I had the diarys from my younger days still. I even remember this diary type book I use to write in middle school. It even had a title! It was called "teen life". I let some of my friends read it, and somehow the principal got a hold of it ( -_- some friends!). We had a whole assembly with the 7th 8th and 9th graders about it, lmaoo! My family moved so much tho, that Im not really sure where any of my writing stuff is anymore. I have my things spread out over so many differant peoples houses its not even funny. Life of a nomad tho. See, thats why I like this blog. Cuz no matter where I go, it'll be here. An online hard copy of my writings! Gotta love blogging. (yet gotta protect it from ya moms!)

ANYWHO! I recently got a comment on one of my youtube videos about how (no offense, but) I was now boring, and the updates about my life and random videos of me singing, dancing and rapping werent cutting it. they said its obvious that gettin by is never coming back so they unsubscribed.

-_-

Sooooo, I tried to brush this comment off and not think too much of it. But ugh! it got on my nerves! FIRST of effin all, wtf did u think gettin by was?? me updating my life, and singing and dancing you idiot! SECONDLY, ninjas want my old ish, buy my old albums! Gettin by will be back, but if u so stuck on how/what they use to be, go back and watch it! my new stuff will definatly not be the same, good or bad. THIRD, i am not effin boring son! I entertain my DANG self all the time, so if u wanna unsubscribe, why df are u making a huge spectical out of it? Just do it and stfu! Then i thought to myself...B, why are u getting so mad? Everyboody is not gonna like nor understand everything you do. Gettin' By is my baby. Its hard to convey the point I have to everyone about the direction I would like my show to go in, and I definatly cant respond to everyone individually about it. This is what celebrities go through I'm sure. They have to learn to deal with this kinda stuff. Everybody always judging, constantly bashing you (as if they are doing something sooooo great with THEIR lives). You not being able to just come out and reply back to each negative thing someone has to say. You not being able to explain yourself all the time. That must be tough!

Everything that happens to me right now, is happening for a reason. There is a plan. I hope to inform as many people as I can about as MANY things as I can. I want to better the world. Better everyone's thought process. I want to help people be better people. I am still figuring out so many things in life. Im not trying to say I have the right answers at all. But I do hope to enlighten myself. Be patient my dear friends and readers of this blog, and watchers of my videos, and followers of my twitter, and friends of my facebook, and .... i dont really use myspace anymore...but yea!

I need to meditate. or get hypnotized or something. My friend is going to a psychic (sp). I might swang thru with her....

2010-10-16T00:47:00.004-04:00

Letters to a young Bretony (Vol. 1)...

(I'm in blue, Krista in pink)

Dear young Bretony,

Hello! This is your older self! There is soooo much I wish I would have known when I was your age. I don't really know where to begin. I will start off by saying, the first few years of your life, you were discovering who you are. You loved the camera even then when mom and dad use to film you and krista and cortney. You were ALWAYS the one who stole the spotlight. Life for you was bliss those first few years. But going to kindergarten is a whole new thing for you. Going to public schools you will encounter so many differant things than what you were use to in the sheltered home you knew during the first years. You will not be like any of the other kids at school. they will try to tease you for this, and make you feel like you are weird because you don't look, talk, or act like any of them. But this is not true young Bretony. They will try to tell you that being taller, skinnier, and paler than everyone in class is ugly, when really they are jelouse of your beauty. You have long gorgeous hair that you always keep up in ponytails. Do not hide your hair from these kids at your school. Long hair is not a bad thing! I know you will try to hide behind your glasses all the time, but let your beauty shine thru! And please ask mom and dad to get you some more cute glasses pleaseeee, and not the same ones that your grandma wears! You will be very smart. Extremely so. Do not dumb yourself down just to make friends. I know it may seem cool at the time to have bad grades on your report card, but thats really quite dumb. Embrace your 4.0's girl. Also at such a young age, I suggest you leave all the boys alone because they are all gross... and have cooties and stuff. On another side of things, I know you are a very creative girl who writes a lot...a WHOLE lot. Do not stop writing. You will be glad when you have something to look back on. And keep your writings with you, mom will try to throw them away. Know that it is never to early to develop your talent, and that the younger you start, the better. Whatever it is in your heart that you want to do, you should do it. i know mom and dad don't have all of the money that everyone else has. And I know that you and your sisters don't have everything you want, or somethings that you need, but you should be greatfull for what you do have while you have it. Your health for example. Your mind. Your blemish free, wrinkle free, beautiful poreless face. Also, I do not suggest cutting your hair. And don't go to any crazy hairstylists that might try to damage it. Just do it yourself, you do a pretty good job.
As far as your family goes, I know your dad my seem distant at times, but you should still try your best to include him in your life. Your mom only tries to help you, so be greatfull for that. Your sisters will grow up to be crazy, but cherish them now for what they are. Try not to hold grudges. You shold try to reach out more to your big sister Holly. She feels bad that you all grew up without her.
I know, young Bretony, that you can be VERY VERY soft spoken at times, which will come off as shy. Me and you both know that its because you are more of an observer, but you should really try to voice more of your opinions and speak your mind. Be more assertive. Life is not going to be perfect, or easy. It will be hard and full of complicated choices that you will have to make. I say be focused on what it is you want out of life. Appreciate. Cherish. Set the foundation for the rest of your life. it is never too early...but it CAN be too late.

-- Bretony

2010-08-30T20:12:00.004-04:00

hello everyone,

bit of an update in my life as bre...I have been taking classes for broadcasting and production at the manhattan neighborhood network. so freakin hype! I get to help with shows and learn all about cameras and whatnot. I'm going to be making my own show soon enough, I just need to get some background knowledge on all of the stuff that is involved with television show production. I'm a very hands on "i do all my own ish" kinda gal, so I think its really good for me. I took 2 days off of work each week, which a.) leaves me a little bit broker, but b.) gives me time to do things more geared towards me actually doing things in this city...acomplishing all of my goals in life. I've got a pocket full of dreams! But ya know, I think about fame alot lately, and I know tons TONSSS of people who are trying to make it big in some sort of industry, those who swear up and down that they are so close to fame and all of that, but really, all of their medium level fame doesnt really add up to too much. I don't know any Beyonces, Kanye Wests, Oprahs, or Bill gates...who makes it? How do they make it? Is it all just luck? I wonder if i have that thing that makes people iconic and unforgettable...and talked about? Who determines if you have that? Oh man, I have so many questions, so so many. But I am just a simple human. One of billions. How do I make people listen to my questions and what I have to say? What makes me differant, and stand out? Will these questions ever be answered?

I believe that all it really takes is that one moment. That one right place and right time. There is no gradual thing, its just that one moment. And you have to be prepared for that moment, so that's why you have to work at what you wanna do so the moment doesnt pass you by. I wonder if we all get a moment like that and some of us just miss it. Dang, did I miss mine??? that would freakin suck. I hope i haven't missed it yet, but I am trying to work on being more prepared. My mind is so scatterbrained all the time. My ideas float around so randomly. I need to harness them. I need a sort of...mind cowboy to wrangle all of my ideas and put it in an idea barn somewhere in my membrane (ok with these metaphors bre, ok). I don't know tho, this blog is pretty good for me to just blurt out my ideas. Maybe I should hire an interpreter to put them into some sort of sense making form. Oh and twitter too. My twitter is massivly random, but very informative if you know how to decode my phrases and tidbits of my mind.

Anywho, when I get famous, I wanna have a diffeant kind of fame. Most celebs are like too...idk...its like...hmm... Its like they can't be real. They can't do real things because they are so judged for it. Then they get apologetic when people are all up in their face about it like WE all don't have our downfalls. If a celeb gets caught smokin weed, it all over the media, its all in the news, endorsements get taken away, people have negative things to say. but come on! Regular people do that stuff everyday! Stop being so effin judgemental just because they are famous! it just irritates me, and I dont wanna be like that. if I do something outlandish, or tabloid/tmz worthy, i just wanna be able to say, yea? ok? is their a problem? I'm living my life mofo's! how bout you do the same? Basically, I just wanna be myself, but with a stronger credibility so people will listen to the things I have to say.

Is that so much to ask? I dont think so...

We shall see everyone. we shall see. I know that most of my peeps feel me. Do ya feel me??

In other news, I am still pretty freakin lonely. I mean I have friends and everything, but I dont have a boo. idk if i need a boyfriend persay, but boo? i could use one! male or female! But i just don't wanna force anything, I want things to be naturally the bomb. i wanna be able to call them up and say hey, lets randomly do blah blah blah, and they're like "OK!" or i say, come over and lets watch law and order online, and they say "OK i'm bringin pizza and wine!" (thumbs up for the pizza). Someone to just talk to about random philosophical stuff that I always think about. Someone to be my own personal psychologist (which means just listen to me ramble and say "mhm". ya know? just something like that. I dont have that. I feel like an emotional caged bird. Sigh. Oh well. I'm trying not to force anything, but let's see how long this lasts.

Ok yall! enough of my rambling. Let's see what you guys have to say about this post...

GO!

2010-07-15T00:00:00.003-04:00

I DONT GIVE A F%&#@!!!

ladies and gentlemen on the jury...today i would like to talk about censorship. Mainly online, and some in real life. I can be a very opinionated person when I wanna be. I can also be very explanative when it comes to certain things in my life. But...I am soooo freak censored online! I don't talk about NEARLLLYYY as much stuff as I really want to say. That goes for cursing, adult content, pictures, videos. Now don't get me wrong, I push the limits all the time. Example being the picture above hahaha! That was one of the first (professionalish) pictures I've ever taken actually. But let me tell yall this one thing...I mean hey! Im a girl, girls look at themselves. We wanna know what we workin with ya know? So we sometimes want to take pictures that may or may not be explicit, lol...I'm not sayin any names, but ya know!

I really don't know tho, because when I loo around the internet on all the social networking sites I'm on, it seems like most of you all have no type of censorship whatsoever! You just say what you want, when you want and how you want...its just all out there. And I'm like, do you alls parents read this stuff??? Cuz I tell ya, that's one of the main reasons I don't really go as far as i could with certain things...my family! They allll are my facebook friends, they allll basically follow me on twitter, they allllll watch all the youtubes I make, its like sheesh! I just don't know people. me any my family never really had all that openess goin on. Everytime anybody asks me about something unorthodox, I pleed the 5th like there is no tomorrow. I don't even tell them about boyfriends. I dont tell them anything!

And also, I know that once something is on the internet, its like a permanant documented archive of whatever you said or showed. and people can just use that againt you whenever they feel! And idk about yall, but I'm tryna be something with my life. But hey, I guess the things I go through are a part of my life, and maybe sharing them will inspire others to...idk.

As far as real life goes, I also have aloooooot alot of things that I want to say to people at certain times, but i just feel like...i shouldn't say them for some reason. I dont wanna seem like an a-hole or a biotch, but there are just sometimes when I really want to say things to people or share things with them, and I just don't. I am actually a semi-shy person in real life...sometimes. I need to grow a pair and just tell everyone exactly how I feel. I think the truth in every situation is always best.

I have so much built up inside of me that I just don't know how to outlet it. I also don't really know how I feel about sprawling everything out there on the internet like that. My blog is a place for me to be real. And for the most part, I am! But I do keep aloooooot alot alot of all my crazy stuff in. lol...

oh goodnes...

Maybe for the next couple blogs, I will just be completly uninhibited and just say what ever the f*&% I feel!

hmmm, what do you guys think?

Feedback!!

2010-07-11T21:55:00.003-04:00

COSMETIC SURGERY AND MY VIEWS

Welp, I know I yack and yack about my self coonciesness alot, but whatever man, that's just how I am I suppose..Im a girl! But anywho, I wanted to talk about a sort of taboo-ish subject. Cosmetic Surgery. Even tho LOTSSSSS of people get it and spend so much on it, nobody wanst to admit it! Only a few people do, and those people get critizied for it. So yea, I think it's taboo.

I recently saw a clip of the Tyra show online (LOOOVED that show btw, too bad its off air now *tear**!) about black market cosmetic surgery. These girls were on there talking about how they got some kind of procedure done and that it ruined their life. This one girl went in for eye color change surgery, and ended up with a torn eyeball! Now she says her vision is all blurry, she's sensitive to sunlight, her periphrial vision is all outta wack, and the doctor said she may even go blind! And this other lady went in for butt injections, and they ended up having to scoop out all the substance they used for the injections because it was like....some kinda crazy substance you can find at a hardware store. bottom line is, people will do many crazy things to look as close to perfect as they can imagine. And yes, there are many crazy horror stories about all of this nonsense, but ya know...

I actually don't think some of the procedures are that bad, and I actually want some done.

NOWWW, before you all start coming at me with this "you don't need anything done!" "you're fine the way you are" stuff, lemme just say that I only would seriously consider getting minimal stuff:

1.) juvederm injections in the nasal flabiods and upper lip

(if yall don't know what that is, I really do need those things done, nothing over the top, but just to a normal level)

2.) laser scar removal

(for these wack marks on my face that never go away)

and 3.) laser hair removal

(i get razor burn like a mug! ouch!)

I'm not gonna lie, I thought about getting more, but I'd better just keep my list down to these few things. I believe that anything in the wrong amounts can be bad, same with plastic surgery. A few things here and there are ok to me, it's just when people start going over board is what makes them look all crazy and then everyone starts saying that plastic surgery is wrong and yadda yadda yadda. In moderation , I beleive its perfectly fine. I know however that some people out there get addicte to plastic surgery. but hey, people also get addicted to food, which makes them fat and unhealty.

Bottom line, if a person has really weighed all of their options, and goes about it the safe way, then we as society should not judge them. Because I mean hey, if we think they're ugly we will judge them, if we see them trying to change their apperance to be "pretty" we will judge them. They might as well do what makes them happy.

As far as being "fake", like many people like to call nikki minaj. Let me tell all yall something...a lot of things are fake! NEWSFLASH! Girls wear make up, girls wear weave, girls wear spanx, girls wear push up bras, some wear color contacts, some girls dye their hair...and yes, some girls do none of that stuff...but really...think about it...who????! and is that really the type of girl all the guys are going after? lets be honest. We only have ourselves to blame.

peace out yall!

2010-07-10T19:17:00.002-04:00

sup home slices??

I really do like blogging, but my lfe is just so ahhhhhh!!!!!! all the time, ya know? But I have a lot of topics recently float into my head, so hopefully I will blog about those things. And also, don't be shy! If you have a topic you want my opinion about, just let me know and I will definatly make a blog about it. Work with me people!

In Bretony update news, I will be going to an orientation at the Manhattan Neighborhood Network next week about the broadcasting classes I will be taking there. YAY! after I'm finished with the classes, they will let me use their equipment and facilities to help make my show ready to be on TV...and then guess what? IT'S GONNA BE ON TV!! IN MANHATTAN! I just can't wait for it all to come together so I can get this show on the road, ya know? Work is still kickin my a word every week. I really do think I work too much. Is all this money worth it?? IS it?? well, atleast I like where I work. Some really funny stuff goes on there. I hope my bosses let me film there!

I also have an obsession with David Guetta and rock band on my itouch right now....like seriously, everybody needs those things in their life.
I've been saying alot that I'm going thru a 1/4th life crisis on twitter and stuff. I'm not too sure you all wanna hear the boring details of my life crisis concerns.

but if ya do! let me know, and I will tell in my next blog alllllll about it.

aight yall, if have to get back to doing nothing on this very boring Saturday. HOLLERRRR!

p.s. hotter than stolen tvs at a pawn shop here in nyc! what is this, summer of sam in this mofo??
comon son!

2010-06-07T02:04:00.003-04:00

UPDTAES in this mofo!

(I'm trying this new thing where I'm checking my spelling and grammer for blogs now. BLAAAHHH, but I figure, I may as well...try? Eh.)

Hey everyone! It's about 2:05AM. I have to go to work at 10:30 tomorrow morning, but I'm up for some reason. I'm sitting on an air mattress in my new room...in Manhattan bichesss!! Yes that's right, I am finally ACTUALLY in Manhattan! My room is pretty darn cool too (minus the whole practically sleeping on the floor thing). My roomates are cool as well, I hope we don't start hating each other and getting on each others last nerves tho. But I'm a pretty easy going, low maintence mami, so there should be no worries. I have stopped using twitter completly (for now). I don't know man, twitter just got really freakin irritating for some reason! Too much bragging, boasting, fake a** friends, wack a**/cliche' "advice", know-it-all, posers, hoes, and just all kinda bleeehhh stuff. I'm not making any promise that I'll stay off for good tho lol, cuz I mean...that stuff is addictive son!

Anywho, my life is pretty good. My job is great, my bosses are even greater. I'm not broke at ALL anymore (well maybe still a little). I party all the time, and go out and meet really fun, cool peeps. It's lovely.

But...

What's next? I came out here for a reason yall. I need to be successfull in what I'm trying to achieve. What exactly is it that I'm trying to acheive? It seems so vauge everytime I try to explain it. When people ask me what I'm doing, how I'm doing it...a lot of "um's" and "you knows" are involved. I would like to start giving these people a solid answer. I would REALLY just like to not even have to say anything, and let what I'm doing speak for itself. I need to figure out how to get to that point. I need to figure out what it is exactly, goal wise, I am trying to obtain so that I can speak it into existence.

In case you guys haven't noticed by now in reading my blog, my ways may seem extremly unorthodox, but I accomplish every. single. effin. thing I put my mind to. Really I do tho! Go back and read my old stuff! It's kind of amazing. I know that since I am finally in Manhattan, I need another specifc goal to work towards and obtain.

Sometimes I feel like I have lost my...sparkle? Eh, I don't know you guys. I know what I want in my heart, but communicating it with the rest of the world is the hard part. I have to get my mojo back. Someone help. God?

P.s.

I live with actresses now! So maybe that will help motivate me to do ish! I also favorited a website with a list of the top 100 entreprenuers who succeeded without a college degree (which is something I DEFINATLY do not have...do yall know how much I owe Wayne State/ the government????). Basically, I need my creative juices to start flowing again. I feel like those tiny little angry beavers from the nickelodeon show have built a dam on the river of my creative juices, and stopped the flow. How do you get rid of dams?

p.p.s

Lots of things have been irritating me lately, my mind needs a sedative. Or maybe, a hot summer romance. Yeah, the second one.

p.p.p.s

It totally sucks that I've stopped tweeting, cuz i be having stuff to say! Whenever I think about it, I jot down tweets on my blackberry. Lame, I know, but here are a few:

-Its crazy when I see white people who are more tan than me :/

- Lmao @ "Brooklyn we go hard" shirts and the people who wear them

- I have NO idea why i try to do mad stuff RIGHT after I paint my nails. grrr

bye bye yawl!!

2010-05-17T02:00:00.006-04:00

hey guys!

long time no talk to....i figure i should start blogging more...one, because i just really feel like it, and 2, i got a freakin check from google last month! holla @ ya gurl!

but seriously tho, all of them dont have to be super long. like this one really isnt gonna be (its freakin 2 am and i have to go to work in the morning!)

i feel like i work too much, i dont really like that feeling. but atleast im making enough money to do things. and guess what!? im moving to manhattan june 1st! hollerrr! more details to come...

also, sorry, no new pics of me, but dont worry, here is a nice looking girl to look at. my future wifey, yum...

holler later!

and i have 2 mistresses too...

2010-04-10T00:57:00.003-04:00

YOU NEED TO BE SCARED STRAIGHT!!

Suuuuure this may seem fun. Sure this may seem like that thing everybody is doing and talking about. And I mean hey, it might be tons of fun, don't get me wrong. And I know that practically everyone I know has an active sex life, or has atleast had it before. But the tone of this blog is not going to be a happy one. Its going to be a blog filled with FACTS about Std that everyone should know!

See the problem with health class and psa's and pamplets and stuff like that,is that even tho they may be informative, they sugar coat! they dont give you the whole truth. thats why people arent as paranoid as they should be! get paranoid people! paranoia saves lives! (well, actually im not too sure about that in particular), but my point is, not enough young people are serious about being safe. when they very well should be if you want to live past 30!

Now lets talk about stds... there are many many many of them, and many differant kinds. YES you can have more than one at the same time. YES the same std can come back again, even if you have "cured" it. There is no one test that can check for all std, so if you go get tested, they may have to do a number of things. Some stds, as well as HIV, may not even show up as positive on a test when you first contract the disease. HIV, for one, can take MONTHS to even show up in your system. So you can have it for awhile before even knowing...giving it to whoever else you have sex with. This is also the same for herpes, many people have no symptoms for YEARSSSS, that is why it is so widely spread. Oh yea, and there is no cure for herpes of HIV...once you have that ish, you stuck with it....forever!

Some testing places dont even ask which tests you want, they just test you fot the most common ones. You have to specifically ask to get tested for things like herpes and HIV. It is best to ask as many questions as you can to know exactly what you are getting and when. "i dont know" and "i dont wanna know"...those arent answers people!! wtf??! you better get all the testing you can while you're ALIVE nah mean?? and why would anyone willingly want to spread a virus? especially to people they (may or may not, but should!) love?! it bafels me!

And if you THINK you practice safe sex...you're probably sadly mistaken. even WITH the use of condoms, many diseases can be contracted, all they need is skin to skin contact. that includes, oral sex, as well as anal. having sex with a person who has herpes, even when wearing a condom, there is an 80% chance you will contract the disease.

but lets not worry about the little diseases right now, those are the least of your problems:

HIV is like the worst one ever that you could have. First of all, as i said earlier, it can take a while for it to even show up as positive on a test. so even if you do have it, and get tested, it can say negative. WRONG! Once you have hiv in your blood, there is no way of getting it out. ever. its just a part of you. there is lots of suffering that goes on with the disease. it literally breaks your body down from the inside out, slowly over the course of a couple years. There are a wide range of symptoms you can have, one is being sick all of the time because it deteriorates your immune system. you can get all kind of skin sores, candisis, brain tumors...just all kinds of crap! after you have hiv for awhile, you'll probably get aids. and oh buddy....you DEFINATLY dont want aids.

now, most updated websites may say "life expectancy with aids can vary on a lot of differant things, blah blah BLAH! On average, once you contract full on aids, your life expectacy is about a year. yeap thats right...alive on new years, DEAD by christmas. its a sad truth people. we do not want this diesease spreading all around. ew! God bless the people who do have it, but i mean, its nothing they can really do about it now but pray...and stop spreading it! and inform others.

Now i dont really want to scare you guys to death...realistically, you probably dont have hiv, so dont go runnin around thinking you are about to die. In america, about 1.4 million are said to have the disease (1 in 4 dont know tho). Almost half of those who have it are black. Its most common in gay males. but this does not mean you are immune to it, more women are becoming diagnosed with the disease everyday. Some even passing it along to their children thru birth...doomed before they even have a chance at life. would you wanna do that to a helpless life?

point of all this. please immedialty go and get yourself checked out, stop bein so slutty and promiscuous and sexin who knows who from what knows what, and be SAFE. OR, my personal favorite, abstinence! i mean hey, go buy a dildo or someting, those are 100% std/hiv free (if not shared that is...ew @ that anyway). be informes, dont be blissfully ignorant. dont be ashamed to tell people to get tested or go get tested yourself. dont be afraid to ask questions. dont be afraid to speak up! you have a voice, God gave it to you for a reason. spread the freakin word!!

and thats some REAL truth for that a**!

once again, thanks for listening to me!!

and for the record, I DO NOT HAVE ANY STDS/HIV, IM JUST VERY ADAMENT ABOUT THIS AFTER STUMBLING UPON SOME STATISTICS!! THANK THA LAWD!!

2010-04-06T20:07:00.002-04:00

AYE!

what in the high hail just happend man??!!

i swear yall, i really, like literally have a week of extreme good luck followed by a week of extreme bad luck ALL THE TIME! i dont know when it started. maybe it started on like a really small scale, with just one bad thing this week, then one good thing the next. whatever, all i know is that now, my life is on a strict schedule of good week/bad week. let me begin by telling the good that happend last week:

first of all, i was begining to hang out with some cool peeps...a girl i went to high school with and a couple of her friends. also, my friend who i did a modeling job with last year told me about another hosting type job that paid 25 dollars an hour just to stand around, mingle, drink all night, and look pretty! it was really fun! and there, i met lots more friends. Even a girl who was on antm! i also met aj who use to be on 106 and park. and he gave me the digits! i was feelin bomb. On top of all of THIS, my job gave me a %20 raise! im tellin you, i was on top of the world. but i had knew by then about my good week/bad week system of life, so i knew something was gonna be goin down the following week. i tried not to think about it.

on the the bad week.

amoung being paranoid all week about a health scare, and my boo telling me inadvertantly that he thinks im tainted and he worries about me tarnishing his image later on in life, this week was pretty blah. firstly, friday night everybody and they MOMMA was textin me, bbmin me, callin me about wanting to go out this weekend. i was like cool, let me go to the mall and get something to wear. as soon as i get to the city and askin everybody where they are...NO body can come out anymore...
.....
&T&*^R%*%%&*!!!!!????

what in the sam hill was up with that??? i was all extra cute too, smh. i did hang out with one of my friends tho, but she had to leave early because she was gettin some...um yea, some of that. (aint mad at ya!). then, bank of america sends me some punk letter about my balance only being 13 dollars overdrawn, which i though cool, i can just pay that and have my bank account back. WRONG! i went in and they told me that was for my savings account, and my checking had been completly closed and sent to collections. great. and to top it allllll off. i got yet another letter in the mail today saying that the irs has "applied all or part of my federal refund to a debt i owe" and when they say all or part...they meant mutha fckin all!! thats right people, i have zero money back from taxes. aint that about a bitch and a half?

so as you can see people, this is one example. this stuff really does happen like this to me! super crazy. im not too sad tho. yea i wanted to buy things with that money, but oh well. what can i really do about it. idk if i told u guys this before, but my rule for life is, if its something i CAN change, then change it. if its something i CANT change, i just have to forget about it. stressing over it helps what? not me! cuz you break out from stress, and i cant have that!

annnnyyyywhoooo, idk you guys. im still gonna try to move to manhattan. im going to look at some rooms to rent out tomorrow. wish me "luck"! ha!!

p.s. i wish i could just get an apartment with a roomMATE instead of just looking for a room. its wack cuz i dont know these ninjas!

p.p.s i REALLY wish i just had a boyfriend i could move in with. but ehhhh, doesnt look like thats happening anytime soon.

p.p.p.s girlfrined?? (lol...)

peace and love!

2010-03-30T00:04:00.002-04:00

the path of a tear rolling down the side of your face is weird.

it doesnt go straight down, it curves.

and if you're laying down it curves even more.

and it tastes really salty if it goes in your mouth.

and its never just one by itself, never.

well maybe with others, but not with me.

it eventually stops.

but sometimes not for awhile.

i look at it as cleansing. impurities leaking from your body.

like sweat.

its just an overall crazy process if u ask me.

2010-03-10T19:04:00.002-05:00

hello everyone!

dont know what to blog about, just feel like typin.

this wont be too long tho, cuz i think im about to get on ustream or skype.

it doesn t matter how much talent you have. lots of people have talent. its about oppertunity...or better yet, oppertunities you make for yourself.

its not about what you know, its about how you use what you DO know.

being a happy person will get you further in life than being an evil person.

random: why do they always pick people who can ALREADY DANCE to go on dancing with the stars?!!! it aint fair!

well, thats about it, lol. the next blog will be about something real, promise!

2010-02-10T12:56:00.003-05:00

NO SERIOUSLY!!!

My dreams are effin weird these days! and i always have dreams. i have really been dreaming and dreaming up a storm, but none of the dreams add up. they are all random and weird. i cant remember too far back right now, but in my dreams last night (i had like 3), i was beating people up! one person was my little sister, and one was a girl that one of my exs cheated on my with. lol...HECK if i know what those are supposed to mean. i was also fighting this boy who was supposedly my brother (he was kinda fine low key), definatly looked like he could be my bro, but he was super buff.

and i do remember this one dream that was kinda like a movie. it had a title and everything! i forgot what it was called exactly, but it was something like brownstone commons (it was actually a much cooler name, i shoulda wrote it down) it was about high society and magical/ mythical stuff. it was really really cool. but most of my dreams have some kind of violence or... "passion" lets just say. but i wont get into those right now!

anywho, im at work supposed to be workin, but help me figure this out!!

p.s. why the EFF is alexis movin away???!!

2010-02-06T18:11:00.002-05:00

HAPPINESS!!

ok yall, im tired of all these depressed a** blogs i've been writing lately. my life is actually pretty good (besides being broker than a b*tch!).

i have a really nice job, most i've ever been paid hourly (aint THAT much, but its good to me!), got me a place to live, im in the greatest city ever know to man kind! i party all the time, i have pretty good friends. im doing fairly well for myself considering!

i just need to learn to be more thankfull, as do we all!! and also learn how to appreciate the little things in life...

like the bad girls club! thats my show! those girls are all freakin crazy in their own way and i love it. sometimes i wish i was on one of those group house type reality show things, but i just DONT wanna be on a reality show. can i just like do that in real life? and film it myself?i think i could produce a better show than that anyway.

i have not given up on my dreams you guys! i am still aspiring to become the tv/movie personality that i've always wanted to be, and inspire millions upon millions of people to live their life to the fullest and enjoy every second of their existence.

i wanna be something like a less vague, less wordy deepak chopra lol. i like him! and he always be walkin around new york!

a couple quick things, since i dont really tweet alot anymore:

-my dad sent me a text message saying he misses me and he said i should call. ahhhhhh!! my family misses me, what is the world coming to!

_my blackberry is shot to HECKK! i accidently threw it while i was dancing in the club one night, and now some of the main letters needed to type dont work. it freakin sucks man! i need a new phone!

-i still do not have internet OR cable at my house...and now not even a phone! so you can imagine how bored i be!

-it needs to hurry up and be summer so i can go clubbin more often! clubbin is so fun!

-why do i always use exclamations!!??

anywho, thats it for right now, im just at work, about to go home...not really in a rush, i dont have plans on this gloooorious saturday night. except to smash some food like luscious did the homies.

what about you guys? :)

2010-02-03T20:08:00.003-05:00

i know my place....

yeap. i do. i know it now. every guy has that one special girl in their life that just takes over. no other girl compares to her. girls can go thru guys like water, and fall in love with every single one of them, but guys...when a guy falls in love? true love??? its over son. no other girl will ever compare to that girl. so its really no point in anything you do. yea they still like to have fun every now and then, and i mean hey, so do i, but at the end of the day i have to remember my place. which is nothing. i have no place. i am the fun one. not the permanant one. i am the fling, not the real thing (lmao, that kinda made me crack up a little bit...but still sad).
i am however someones special girl. "special" girl. its confusing.
i know im the highest ranking girl in their world, however, my score of 100 on his scale is actually a 50 on the global scale.
(is this making sense, or is this whole blog way vauge? ohwell!)
as most of you may know, i am a huge attention whore. i have yet to find the right mixture of attention and anti-annoyance all wrapped up in one cute little package.
i feel as if me being the highest isnt enough for him to want me the way that all the other highest ranking girls are. they get talked about. i dont. they get surprized. i dont. they cause pain. i dont. its just...not how i imagined it to be ya know.

people shouldnt let technicalities be the reason they arent together. technicality??? wtf! that means u never really wanted it right? that means that u could just take it or leave it right???

why dont rich white guys like me?? atleast if a white boy doesnt really love me i could get some cool jewelry or something. blah.

all i ever do is give. but what do i get? nada...not even love.

:(

2010-02-03T20:07:00.002-05:00

ON MY ISLAND

if any of you out there really know me as much as you think you do, u should know that one of my many dreams and goals in life is to go live on an island. a very very primative island where i dont have to wear clothes or do my hair. i would also like to sleep in a hut and not wear shoes, and eat mainly berries and fish that i grab (or maybe not be personally, but one of the natives or somethin) and i cook it over an open flame that i start from scratch (again, not me PERSAY). it just seems like the most freeing and liberating thing ever to me. i would love to just be free. go swimming in clear blue waters all the time. i hope there are no bugs tho, cuz ew. thats why i have to pick my island very carefully. it has to be hot all year round so i can not wear clothes all year round. has to have fishies available for me (or someone else) to catch. lot of palm trees. lots of freindly animals that i can call freinds, not lions or scary crazy animals.
if any of you have ever seen that movie blue lagoon, something between a mixture of that and the island from lost.
im not sayin i wanna be stuck there, just be there for like a year. maybe 2. eh, idk. i just really wanna go and relieve my spirits. i do NOT wanna go alone. agh! i'd go freakin crazy! i get lonley in nyc! wtf! if i ever get married, i would take my husband and kids maybe if he's up for it. if not, i would take any of my friends that would want to go with me. it would be kinda like survivor hehehe. i just know it would be totally cool. just dont knw what i'd do all day. maybe i 'd blog, write a book. make some videos. pray all day. eh who knows. i just know i need to do it.

i go to the island in my dreams and stay there till i wake up. its nice there, trust me. i cant wait to go there in person. who wants to go with! :)

2010-02-03T10:40:00.002-05:00

Hair

i cant wait till my hair grows back down to my lower back (yes bichos, it use to be down there!!). i didnt appreciate it when i had it. i didnt really know how good i had it back then. i was trying to be differant and have short hair. i was trying to be edgy or something. i was trying to be anything but myself. it seems like im always trying to be something other than myself. i find myself always thinking 'oh what if i had this...if i only had that...why dont i look like this...why cant my hair look like that??' its pretty darn sad people. i must say. but i have my perfect looks all planned out. wanna hear em?? ok! (even tho i feel like i've blogged about this before, i've updated a couple things):

i would be 5'10", bout a c cup, 24 inch waist, 38 inch hips (i think thats enough, dont want it to be TOO huge)
my skin would be like one shade darker than it is now (me with an all over tan basically)
my hair would be Middle eastern textured (i love their hair texture) down to the middle of my back (extra long hair irritates me)
really long natural eyelashes, smooth smooth, extra smooth skin with a blemish at ALL (except for my freckles on my face...only a few over my nose and under my eyes...i love freckles!!) a couple beauty marks on my back (the ones i have now will work just fine) naturally light purple eyes (i think that would be so mysterious and unique) and some nice pouty lips...

and thats all! is that too much to ask? i dont think so. i keep telling myself that one day i would probably get some surgeries to look like what i just described. but then again, a couple of the things i described were described with the word 'natural' now weren't they? so that would be kinda pointless. but then i think like, why do i always wanna change myself so much? because im not perfect. is anyone? yes, it seems like it. but they arent tho. no matter what i think. or are they?

what if i did infact try to alter myself so much to the point where im nothing like what i was before. do i really want that? because there is only gonna be one me. if i get rid of me...then thats it buddy, no more me for the world to see. and what if some of the world likes me fore exactly me? what if i was meant to be exactly who i am right now? every single blemish, every single strand of crinkley hair, both of these regular a** brown eyes? nobody else is going to have these same exact things the way i have them. what if the person im suppose to be with love me for exactly who i am? (ha)

anyways peeps, point is, i can complain all i want about what im NOT, about what i could be. so could all of you. unless you are just one of those rare freaks of nature who "loves everything about yourself" gtfoh...
i could walk on my tip toes all day trying to appear taller, i could poke my lips out and wear as much make-up and fake hair as i want trying to hide who i really am. but at the end of the day. i a who i am....for a freakin reason. instead of asking myself why me, i should be asking what reason. (those sound kinda similar, but yall know what im tryna say dang it!)

i really do dislike my hair tho, lol. i mean sometimes its cool. but its ALWAYS a lot of work. i just wanna wake up and go ya know? im all about easy.

holler back! :)
love yourselves...

p.s.

....i cannot WAIT till summer, i wanna go to a nude beach

....i miss tiwtter a litte, but blogging lets me say more

....i be havin some straaannggeeee dreams yo

2010-02-02T14:26:00.002-05:00

What happend to human interaction?

Me and technology have a love/hate relationship. I love it for the obvious reasons that everyone loves it for, but I also hate it just as equally...if not more! I was sitting in chipotle today (so freakin good! but sooooo effin expensive, smh), and I was all by myself. i had my ipod. i had my phone, but i was alone. i was texting one of my friends while simultaneously listening to some lady gaga...but i was alone. I began to look around. Besides a few couples, a lot of the people in there were alone. I kept trying to make eye contact with this irish looking white boy who was reading a book about armageddon. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to talk to SOMEONE. i get tired of freakin texting all the time. I get tired of not talking to actual people, of being around people. who's to say we cant talk to random strangers and spark conversation just for the sake of simple human interaction?
Everyday i get on the train to come home...and silence! unless the people know each other ofcourse...silencio! everyone is doing their own thing. ipods, phones, books...so many things to preoccupy people and distract them from interaction. What ever happend to people just walking up to one another and conversing about current events, things going on, anything!

i know it seems weird, but i always hope that whenever i go out alone, someone really really cool will just start randomly talking to me. like a genuine conversation. and nooooo not no "aww ma, lemme try and holler at your for a minute because you are looking kind of fine" type of crap. that is why i try to appear so available to talk to. i stare into space alot. i try to do inquisitive things so people can inquire...ya know? i know that sounds super weird, but i mean hey.

its sad that most of my friends these days derive from online. dont get me wrong, i love all my friends and im thankfull for them, but its crazy when 90% of the time, im typing to them rather than actually talking to them or with them in person. its crazy how someone would sooner @reply me on twitter as oppose to calling me or comming over to visit. i know i know...its much more convinent. blah blah blah. but it still sucks.

i miss people.
but do they miss me?

Its truly sad that whenever i take a break from twitter i feel super lonley and less people feel the need to contact me. wtf is up with THAT??!! is twitter my freakin lifeline?? do i have no life outside of twitter? do YOU ALL have no freakin life outside of twitter? yall act like yall dont even know a ninja if im not tweetin every 5 minutes! sheesh ka bob!

idk yall, i just like talking and having INTELLIGENT (keyword, intelligent) conversations. if you have nada to say, i mean well hey, thats a differant story son. when i find someone i like to talk to, i just want to talk to them all the time. sound kinda selfish but oh wells! it be like that in the hood!

annnyyywhoooo. im out like flare leg pants. holla!! ;)

2010-01-31T23:49:00.000-05:00

Ass-holes....smfh

Pardon my language, I really try not to use swear words...lol, I really do! But sometimes I am straight up provoked! And I can't think of any other word to describe you fake ass e-gangsta wannabe hard core thugs...than ass-holes!

The provocation of this particular blog stems from what I just witnessed via twitter...tha grammy awards. (That's right people, I didn't even watch the freakin thing, but twitter kept me in the know of every single play by play. Crazy right!?) Anywho...everything was pretty funny until the very end when apparently taylor swift won the award of album of the year over beyonce and lady gaga..amoung others. Everybody on my timeline just started goin HAM! "F*** taylor this...I hate taylor that...that b**** is lucky...why is she always so surprized?!!" Just so much hate! It was really sad to witness. I mean yea, even I personally wanted gaga to win, but I'm not bout to sit up here and completly BASH this poor young girl who OBVIOUSLY on for some reason. And to all those who say kanye had something to do with it...FIRST of all, nominee's aren't even judged on chart, sales, or any of that other stuff, stricktly talent. And no, regular people don't judge it, just the recording academt members, so gtfoh with all that. And everybody who talks about her "acting" surprized...I mean shoot! We're yall ninjas not surprized??? Why does it have to be fake that she is too?? I mean got dang! She know she got all yall mutha f****s hatin on here so its not like a "duh, I'm gonna win" type of thing. Back...thee....f***....up. Damn!

This particular instance tho, lead me to realize that people on the internet are just ass-holes in general! I mean, ur always talking about someone, bashing someone, making fun of...its like sheesh is thatall you all do is be mean? Type mean things? To preserve your hard core ass-hole image? Like why, ya know? Why does everybody strive for that ass-hole persona? It is NOT cool! Why not strive to be a nicer person, a better person maybe?? What, u think ur gonna get made fun of or something?
What the eff is wrong with being a NON ass-hole??? This world is effed up yo.

My point in life is definatly not to bash people. I can understand if you are irritated, if you are making jokes and what not...but all the damn time? Chill!!!
Even the most ass-holeish people of them all have that moment of clarity when they realize like dang...why am I like this? (*cough* kanye *cough*)

Even someone I know very personally...the biggest ass-hole I've ever known in my LIFE has recently had a breakthrough. its not all its cracked up to be people.its really freakin not. There is nothing wrong with being nice...kind. Why give off so much negative energy by being a bitch? An ass-hole?
I have met a couple people from online in person, and I must admit, I like everyone better in person...100%. And those who ask about the people I've met are sometimes like "ugh, I don't wanna met them cuz of the way they are online..." And I'm like noooo! They're much better in person! Why not be the same everywhere?? Eh, I guess some things get lost in translation via text and computer as oppose to voice and a lucid actuality of being present.but I'm just sayin!

PLEASE people, do not strive for this. I wish you all wellm I hope my next blog can be more upbeat, but I just had to let yall ninjas KNOW up in here...

Anywho, back to watching pulp fiction. Night!!

And if ya don't know, now ya know! :)

2010-01-07T02:21:00.001-05:00

SMILES, SIGHS, and MCDONALDs APPLE PIES (2 for a dollar baby)

Hello all who read, all who follow, first time readers...everyone! Happy friggin new year! And my what a year it has been. Not only is this my first blog of the year, but its also my 100th blog post mofoski's!! (Yea I'm sweet like that, ask about me!)

Anywho, last year was full of...excitement to say the least. The beginning being TOTALLY and unexpectedly differant from the ending lol...and ya know? 09 was kinda bangin!! Even tho I laughed and cried throughout the whole thang. I'm such a baby. This was truly a pivotal year tho, I'm out here on the east coast all on my own. And boy is it ALONE. I spent christmas all by myself. Well actually I worked and had subway for christmas dinner. Yum right? I DID go back to detroit for thanksgiving tho, cuz I got a modeling job in october that paid me freakin awesomely!! BUTTT I ended up being back in debt again thanks to the WORST month of 09...mf'n november! Gosh I hated that month with a passion! Can't even tell yall why tho, smh. Alexis knows all the details tho. Shout out to alexis! (Alexisbelon.com cuz she likes it when I say her name...in blogs!)

Also shout out to Pierre mutha freakin Fontenelle! My kneegrow for LIFE! I would still be back in lame Detroit doing lame things if it weren't for him.

...Uh, whoa, this is not about shout outs B!
Lady gaga was my free b*tch of the year. I BEEN up on her since the beginning of the year. Thought she was my little secret! Nope, yall stole her! Hmmm....what else. Oh idk man, I just missed bloggin! Yay blog!
I've been out here officially 6 months now, I think I'm pretty comfortable here. Atleast I didn't go crawling back because I couldn't make it. I'm determined. And this year, everything else will now fall beautifully into place.

This year wasn't all peaches and herb tho (ahhh herb...lol!)...lots of sad, depressing, struggling times. I'm actually low key kinda strugglin right now...thanks to stupid November! I swear that month had me ALL effed up. I have a new job now tho, just got it a couple weeks ago. Blah @ jobs, but whatevvvvaaa.

Twitter has taken over my life. Its kinda sorta like blogging I guess, but in a differant way. So if u follow me on there, you know what's been up! If ya don't follow me...

Why df you aint followin me!!?? www.twitter.com/bretonymcgee :)

Annnyywhoooo. As far as relationship status...sigh. Idk yall. I left my heart in michigan, but he didn't follow me. He doesn't want to either so eh, I've been exploring lots of other things...LOTS of other things...TOO many dang things!! Smh!!! But its all been fun tho, I wouldn't have changed anything. I still miss my heart, but idk what I'm gonna do about that. I claim that I don't need to be with anybody right now...but it just gets so loonnleeeyy :(
I do not like being alone. Not one bit. Not at all! I do not like them sam I am!

Oh, oops.

But yea guys. Hope your year has been great. Hope this next one will be even better. I know for me it will be! Just wait and see! I'll try to blog more often and keep ya updated since I know some people care... (Ha haaa yall caaare! Yall are gayy!)

And get some apple pies from mcdonalds cuz that sh*t is poppin. But not from manhattan, go to the hood where its still 2 for a dolla.

Mwah everyone! Holla at meeee!!

2009-09-24T13:00:00.002-04:00

Whenever something that someone else is doing begins to irritate me, I think to myself, am I guilty of this thing that is irritating me? If so, why do I do it? What is the point? What is the purpose? I really do try to figure out the reasons why people do the things they do. Maybe its a lost cause however, due to the fact that people are vastly differant. In saying that lol, I'm gonna talk about my subject of this blog: defense, subliminals, and unnecesary beef

But first! I moved into my own place! (Sorta) well, I'm payin rent atleast. I rented out a room for an indian guy. Its him and a white lady there. The white lady is kinda crazy, but thank goodness she stays in her room. But the indian guy is super nice and cooks all the time. Super spicy. The room is ok, atleast its a space of my own for now. So as you can see people! I finally am getting somewhere with my life! I think... I remember when up and moving to jersey was just a simple thiught in my head...and blog lol. Now it is a reality. Believe in yourself people! This blog is proof that you can get what you want out of life. And when I get really famous, I'll look back and read all my super broke blogs. How fun!

So on to the topic! First things first, as u all may very well know, I am addicted to arguing with people, I love it.that junk is fun to me. But it seems like sometimes people go out of there way to start stuff. I was reading a blog of mine where this one girl was bashin me and callin me stupid cuz of something I said. It was so ugh. Irritating. If you don't even know someone like that, how can u even comment on such a multi fascited thing as intelligence? It was OBVIOUS that person hadn't read any of my other blogs. Another thing that annoyed me. They kept saying my facts weren't straight and I needed to "do my research". Now this phrase really irritates me, let me tell ya why. First of all, in the actual sense, research consists of hands on trail, error, evidence collection, lots of things. People mainly say "do your research and don't just believe everything you hear". Negro, it aint like you out there collectin actual hands on facts yo own dang on self... Newsflash: research on the internet IS believing something you hear. You don't absolutly know that stuff is true either so wtf? Most things come from what other people say to you, so chill with all that "do your research" b.s.

But even tho that kinda stuff gets on my nerves, what gets on my nerves more? Subliminals! there are many of them out there. you may not even know about em really, cuz the whole point of a subliminal is to be just that...sublime. its basically when someone has somethig to say to you specifically, but they act like its just something general that they are saying. instead of telling YOU about it, they just talk about it as if they arent talking about anyone in particular (eh, that sounded kinda redundant, but i dont feel like proofreadin all up and through this mug).

some subliminals are ok, cuz everybody just cant be knowing every single little thing. but it gets annoying when you just KNOOOOW they are talking about you and they swear its general. as much as i love mariah, her song obsessed is straight up bout eminem. stop lyin sweetie. im not one to go through a whole bunch of people to tell a person what i gots to say. ....then again, i find myself using subliminals sometimes...

on to pointless beef. there is puerto rican guy at my job. he is hella funny, but one day, he was mad at this one guy who kept putting boxes on his side because he would get finished super fast. he got mad at the guy for that and just started doin ALLLLL this complainin. i finally had to turn to him and be like, dog! stop complaining to yourself about it, the guy you are mad at is right there! work it out with him and stop yappin in my ear! (he kept yappin)

but i just though it was the most pointless beef ever. dont get me wrong, some beef is funny and highly entertaining, but the pointless beef? why? just why? some people also only want to talk to you when its to argue about something. and its like, dude, out of all the things you could be talking to me about, THIS is the thing you feel most passionatly about?

blog oh blog...to tell yall the honest to goodness truth tho, i forgot a lot of the things i was gonna say lol. im kinda half sleep, and im never around the internet when the ideas be poppin...but that was basically a general layout! if yall got questions, comments, concerns, critisicms, holla at me and maybe it mill jog my memory! :)

anywho tho, the next blog is my 100th blog entry wahooo!! i might have a celebration up in this mug! let me know what yall want me to talk about in that one.

aight love yall (sometimes)

peaaaacee (sleep time)

2009-08-17T11:24:00.001-04:00

i have a new video everybody!

yay, go check it out. its nothing too spectacular, just a video resume soo i can get a real job up in here!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXU0W_pifHU

2009-08-07T23:34:00.002-04:00

sales...

i hate sales. like really. i do. i just realized this because...aalll these freakin customer service jobs i apply for and interview for, they all talkin bout goals and ish, quotas and what not. it was all a bunch of mumbo jumbo to me. ofcourse i fake it like i love it..."oh i just love customer service! its the bomb!" (lies. clearly. anyone who reads my BLOG knows that i hate freakin custo servo)

but its like, 90 percent of stuff is about sellin stuff! first of freakin all, ninjas aint got jobs! thats why people still in this stupid recession! sellars keep sellin, people keep buyin like they got it...knowin they dont...then they gotta get a second job to sell to more broke ninjas...the cycle continues.

i hate people trying to sell me stuff every 5 minutes everywhere i go. yet i feel bad becuase i know its just them tryna make a living. i hate when people pressure me and pressure me, and force stuff upon me. i hate when people have quotas. its like sheesh, you cant MAKE people buy stuff. if they want it, they'll get it! aint nothin special to it. aint no technique...aint nothin! if you build it, they wil come. not if you build it, shoce it down their throat with phony smiles and fake concern. ugh. just be real. why can people just be real? why is being real such a freakin deal breaker? why must you have to be a bublly, ditzy, falsley concerned, irritating sales person? i respect honesty. so i mean hey, thats just me. maybe other people are differant.

and dont even get me started in the upper level management sales people who are so serious about their job. thats all they talk about. thats all they think about. i mean come on, if you dont seel 300 items a day, is your life really going to be over? newsflash: its not!
lol @ me being so annoyed with this whole world, but really, arent we all a little annoyed and too concerned with other things to say so? i get annoyed by a lot of things ya know, but seriously...come on sales people. just let me come into the store, get what i want, and get out. if i need help, i'll ask. and people who hire people for customer service jobs, dont be so uptight. im not gonna b*tch slap customers. but im not gonna be all fake and crap. i'll sell stuff, but im not gonna beg ninjas. sheesh.

...lol, im really not meant for sales i guess...

oh well! plan b!

hasta luego mamis y papis (darn spanish speakin sweat shop)

2009-08-02T14:32:00.003-04:00

a bunch if pics for you chicks....and fellas!

man i be lookin so differant all the time!...

imma take more pics of the city when i get a chance. holla back!

2009-07-31T21:46:00.004-04:00

self awareness...

my name is bretony amber mcgee. everyone miss-pronounces my name.
i am 22. i think im too old.
i am very self-conscious, but i am working on it.
i want to be a high fashion supermodel but im too short, old, and acne ridden.
i love to dance and sing.
i dont like wearig a lot of clothes.
i like attention.
i dont take things too seriously.
i flirt to get what i want.
i do not like mean people.
i cry alot.
im very retrospective, psychological, and inter-personal.
i cant spell.
i lead people on.
i dont have a solid plan for my life.
i would like to live on a deserted island.
i like to people watch.
i dont believe in love right now, maybe it'll change, but right now i dont
i am weak, lazy, and i make excuses.
i complain alot.
im not slutty, but people think i am sometimes. eh, i guess its the way i put myself out there.
i would love to be on tv and have my own show as an outlet for people to listen to the things i have to say.
i would like for people in the world to be more open minded and self aware.
i want to help people as much as i can.
i have little faith.
i doubt God.
i like to write but my hands get tired sometimes.
i love food.
i cant cook.
i try to get over on people.
i'd rather i get hurt than someone else get hurt.
im hypocritical sometimes.
i have many regrets, even though its taboo to have regrets.
i have bad grammer.
i think people do me wrong.
i dont like people who think they are never wrong or have no faults or flaws.
i am addicted to reality tv.
i am not respected.
i really couldn't care less about politics. sorry.
i dont know where my life is headed.
i do a lot of thinking.
i am flawed.

....i am aware of all these things. and the first step to fixing a problem is to acknowledge a problem. who is to decide what are the problems we need to fix and which ones are just us being us? no one can decide this but you. i suggest you all make a self awareness list so we can start getting our lives together and stop waisting time. life can be very confusing. sometimes very messy. but we have to start somewhere in the organization process. or else...what are we even doing but furtherly disorganizing?

i am satisfied just knowing people have read this.
i will be sad if you disregard it...

2009-07-30T09:02:00.000-04:00

Hey yall! I'm typing this on my phone! So hype I know, but it may not look right, so eh.

This post is mainly about something that has been on my mind...its very hard being a girl sometimes. I mean, aside from all the other stuff we deal with, most things in the world revolve around men trying to get with us every 5 minutes on a daily basis. It really does get irritating. I mean, I literally can't go NO freakin where without somebody tryna get my number! Like even normal everyday places like the grocery store, a resturant, anywhere...they all want it. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I use it to my advantage to get what I want (which may be wrong on some levels, but eh, I'm no moral oral), but other times I really do just try to normally live my life. It don't work tho.

If I try to be just friends with a guy, that don't work either...its always somethin more they want. They always try to make a move. Why can't we just be normal!! I can't have every guy in the world, nor do I really want to, but why do guys just assume that I'm not even with nobody? Like who are you even to just go ahead and make plans for us like I aint got nothin else to do?

Let me tell yall a for instance... So I went to this temp agency for work right? So they had me fillin out forms and junk, normal right? So blah blah blah, a couple days later, this fool from the temp agency calls me out the blue talkin bout "hey its ***** from the agency. I got your number from one of the forms you filled out..." What the feezey???
"I was calling to see if you wanted to go to a party this weekend..."
Oh LORRDDD! Now what am I suppose to do? This guy is responsible for gettin my a JOB! Its like if I don't flirt back, things are weird, or maybe he won't look as hard, or whatever! Either way, it sucks.
So guys won't help me unless I'm mad flirtin, and women won't help for some odd reason (jealous? Eh, idk). Some women are nice tho...

But anywho, it just gets frustrating sometimes...

And I'm not even the finest girl ever like that, so I wonder how it is for the real fine ones. (I need to stop sellin myself short tho, I'm a bad a** b*tch...lol, sometimes)

Anywho, that's about it yall. Comment!

2009-07-19T14:47:00.002-04:00

i have a job....yay? (also, my skin isnt as horrible as it use to be...woop woop!)

so peeps, long time no blog right!!?? i know! been doing so much! i have also been keepig a daily journal, so i havent completly neglected the documentatino of my life... just put it into differant venues. anywho! yea yall, after much loking and much brokeness, i actually found a sorta kinda job. but let me tell you about it, its a freakin sweat shop!

ok, so, i went thru a temp agency that's like 10 minutes from where i stay, i had to be there at 6 in the freakin morning for who knows what. i stayed there til about 9, then the guy told me that they found me something to go to at about 10. i say cool right? then he told me about the job...

dun dun dun!!!

he said it was a warehouse called hand pack inc. i was gonna be doing some packing or some ish, i was gonna be there till 6, i was gonna be making minimun wage, and i was gonna be the only english speaker there! i was like whoa, what?? but before i knew it, there was a van outside waiting to take everyone there. it was in a city in jersey about 30 minutes away by car. i got there right...i thought atleast the managers were gonna speak english. wrong!! she gave a little speach in spanish...only thing i understood was "chica's"
i was just about to ask her what she said, but then a girl came up to me speaking english, asking did i understand what the lady said. i said no! heck no! i am so greatfull for my translator friend who was there. she was literally the only one who spoke ANY english. the others didnt even speak a LITTLE english. it was horrible. we took a little break. nobody told me i had to bring a lunch so i was just SOL. but luckily the bilingual friend (i think her name is leis), shared some of her food with me. she a kinda bigger girl tho, so all her food was health, diet, sugar free type ish. i was greatfull nonethe less!
after the break, we started working in the cotten fields. i didnt understand what the lady asked me to do to, so she had to just do an example, the i shook my head "yes". what i had to do was unpack boxes full of books and stack them up for the lady to grab then, WHILE collecting empty boxes and stacking them up for another girl to get. the work was non stop, tedious, and boring. and the managers kept yelling at us (in spanish ofcourse) to go faster. im like why we gotta go faster/ do you want us to die?? even if i did say that out loud, it wouldnt have mattered because they didnt understand me anyway. the whole time i was working, i was thinking to myself... this is freakin slavery! how can these people continue to work here! but then i realized its because they dont speak a lick of english, this is probably all they can do. it was really sad. i was really tired. oh AND we had to stay there until 8 because we started a little bit late. it was really horrible, sweat shop, slave labor, and i cant believ it was only for minimum wage. that was the hardest work i had ever done ever. blah. its a job i guess. and its only temporary. thats what my bilingual friend told me. she is really a nice girl, i hope she gets outta there soon. all the other spanish people there were mean tho.

oh well yall, thats my lame new wack job. i have to go back to it on monday. dont know how long i'll last, but eh. we'll see. why cant i just get a nice little 17 dollar an hour secretarial job in manhattan like i really want?! why is the getting a job pocess so loooong, drawn out, and wack! ugh, soon as i get famous, things are gonna change. i have much more stuff to blog about, but im hungry! so i will holla back peeps!

bye bye

2009-06-22T20:18:00.002-04:00

premonitions.

i swear i had a premonition today about a subway accident. who knew that exactly today, there was a subway accident. it wasnt in nyc tho, it was in d.c. but still! its wierd man! I am always having werid premonitions like that, and weird dreams and just all kind of crazy sightinhg and visions. its kinda crazy.

i still havent found a job yet. but i will dont worry! im gettin like 4 jobs so i guess i need this time to rest up brefore becoming a work-a-holic. my peeps back in detroit are still strugglin tho. i told them we should just all move out here togther but no one ever listens to me. we could have all just shared one big 2 bedroom in like queens or somethin. woulda been straight.

anywho. i still need to see a psychologist. i think my brain is messed up. i think it needs to be re-wired or something. i keep wishing for impossible things then get super depressed when i dont get them... but they are impossibe, how can i get them? right??
its al very weird to me. i just need to talk to someone about it. but who? im tired of talking to myself because i give myself the same crappy feedback and it doesnt work.
in addition to this blog, i now have a journal. i tell my journal more persoal stuff (i know right, how does it get more personal than this?) oh but it does my friends, oh but it does. so when you all get a chance, after im dead and stuff, you can feel free to ask one of my friends or famlily members to publish it and read it.
it has also come to my knowledge that i havent taken any pictures of myself lately. i think its because i be lookin crazy to myself all the time. but as SOON as i feel cute again. its a photoshoot!

bretony's suggested reading book club kinda sorta thinga ma jig:
"the rapture of cannan" by sheri reynolds

"best book ever!!!"
- bretony mcgee

anywho, bye!!

2009-06-15T13:40:00.002-04:00

me up in yo area

hey yall, just checkin up on my blog to say that yes i still love it here, its the bomb. still aint got no job, but oh well...hopefully i will have either one or two by next week and all that jazz.

there is one thing tho. i am extremly LONLEY!! i never thought i would be like this, but i miss all my friends so much! i wish they were out here with me to take the subway and junk with me and sight see and hang out and be bums and go to the mall and the beach and just....hang!

right now its just me :( i dont know hardly anyone. oh well, hopefully i will get some people im cool with and start hangin with them and get rid of this dead give away midweastern accent!

2009-06-12T01:27:00.001-04:00

hey bums!

guess what?

I LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY BAY BEEEEE!!!!

well, actually, i am technically in jersey city new jersey...but its like 10 minutes away! anywho, YES!!! i finally did it peeps. what did i tell yall huh??? what! i said i do everything i set my mind to do. it may take a while, but i DO eventually get it done. first stop ny...next stop, THE WORLD!

muaaa ah ah ah!!

lol, i just really am so happy you guys. i've only been here for a day, but i went out looking for jobs today. i applied to alot of places in union square. however, if someone with some kind of hook up is reading this...hook a sista up wit a job! i aint got one yet!

i got my metro card, my ...i forgot the name of that other card..oh yea, smart link card...im just all freakin set. and so excited :)

i will definatly keep yall updated on my trials and tibulations.
for the most up to the minute stuff tho, you can add my twitter...cuz im addicted and i twit all the time.

anywho! off to be a new yorker bay beeee~ holler!!!

:))))) x a million

p.s. pics and video to come...maybe

2009-06-07T13:42:00.002-04:00

one thing i love....reading my old writings! i use to keep a diary when i was very young, still in middle school i think , maybe even elementary. everything was in that book! then one day when i was in high school, my mom wanted to talk to me about something. i sat down at the kitchen table and there it was, my diary. locked pryed open. she skimmed through the pages as i saw highlighted areas of...."bad things" i had done. my evil b word sisters had stolen my diary and highlighted all of the parts that they thought would be of intrest to my mom! wtf! what kind of bull?? after that pretty much, i realized it was a lost cause to keep a diary around my evil sisters and i just stopped writing. i have never seen the diary since. i know it has to be somewhere over my parents house, but just like me, they move so much that it isnt even funny anymore. my diary is probably gone forever. but i really do hope one day i find it. and if i do, this blog will be the first to know about it!

since the great diary fiasco of 2003 however, i have since written in many other notebooks and junk. i just love notebooks and blank paper. it turns me on for some strange reason. i love going back to read what was on my mind at particular times. its interesting to see if my views are still the same and the words i use to describe things. right now, im gonna transcribe an excerpt from the pages of one of my notebooks. the book im writting actually, called "life as bre know it', where i pick a subject and write about my views on it and stuff. here is the chapter that i called "Bre on hoes, hoochies, and sluts"...its kinda funny, but also long, so if you dont read it all i understand, but still tho, here it is, an excerpt! oh! this excerpt is rated r.

Bre on hoes, hoochies, and sluts

Where the hell do i even begin with these low down, scum of the earth ass bitches? First off, every girls has a little hoe in them, yes even me. Also, every girl has the potential to be a bitch. And not just girls, but boys too, even though its way more offensive to call a girl the b word... i guess... because well... i dont really know. Its probably for the same reason it more offensive for a white person to call a black person the n word reather than vice versa. Anywho! Bitches. Wether they come in male or female form. Bithces are the main topic for the other categories (all other names are just euphamisms). I will start with the hoes. Hoes can be harmless. CAN BE! Don't get confused tho, they can easily turn into sluts. Hoes are the ones who you probably don't know. they are more of the groupie type. Any guy they see that is trying to do something with their life, or is decent looking, they will jump on the case to flirt, wether he is single or not. Hoes are gold diggers. They want a man's money. They do hoeish things even if they arent single. Flirting or "hoeing around" if you will, is a main thing for hoes to do. They may want your man, but they probably arent gonna get him...most of the time, hoes are busted anyway.

Hoochies, or "hoochie mamas", are the next form of bitches. Hoochie mamas are fine as heck...maybe even finer than you! Im talkin bout body, face, total package (as far as looks are concerned that is). hoochie mamas can also be hoes, but hoes cannot be hoochie mamas. a hoochie may not be trying to turn anyone on necessarily, but they do! Every guy in the place wants the hoochie, and the hoochie knows this. They play on their strong point, weather it be t(itts) or a(ss). At a club, they will dance and be the center of attention. They may let men feel on them, let them get a sample of all they have to offer. Out in public, they are usually with someone less fine than they are, to make them look even better. Their clothing is short, revealing, and leaves almost nothing to the imagination. Very scantily clad. Your man will definatly want the hoochie, but that desnt mean the hoochie will want your man. But beware, in the uncommon event a hoochie does in fact want your man, chances are, the hoochie will become a slut, a f(uck) your man. Yes thats right ladies and gentlemen, the sluts are the worst bitches of all.

Sluts you may know, sluts you may know very well. Sluts will GET to know you very well. Because they want your man. They want to have sex with him. And if your man is not a good man, the slut WILL have sex with him. Sluts dont care. their main goal in life is to have SEX,even if they do have a boyfriend, they want to have sex with other peoples boyfriends. Oh, and they're freaks too. They are willing to do practically anything with anybody. They are always down for whatever, whenever (i wont go into detail but use your imagination). They will smile in your face, all the time they wanna take your place, backstabbers...Backstabbers! Dont really know a sluts motivation, but it could be any female at any moment. That is why its very hard to have female friends these days...because anyone of them could be a slut, and you just never know. You never know about each new female you meet, because they could be tryna screw yo man! you can't be nice to anyone, you can't assume anything when itcomes to sluts. It is pretty easy to determine a female slut after a while, but male sluts are totally differant. They are way harder to determine, because frankly, all men a sluts! Well, all the ones that I have met are. Even though they may seem to be in a monogomous relationship, they are constantly lusting. Sexually lusting for that of the opposite sex, and whenever they get the slightest hint, I can gaurantee you that they will almost always adheed to the temptations set before them.

As the old saying goes, "cant turn no hoe into no housewife", when actually, yea you can. Even sluts can be turned back to their origional wholesomeness. The onlyway though, is through the power of love. Love is just that powerfull to do just that, make a person forget about everyone else and just concentrate on the one they love...both boys and girls. But love my friend is very complex, and is seemingly just a myth, so who knows. Until thre is true love though, there will be no end to a person's hoeisness, slutiness, or being a hoochie mama. But what is love anyway. That will be discussed in the next chapter!

hmm... that was interesting. i guess you could really tell what my a** was goin through at the time! lol! i may have to do some revisions on this chapter, but of well...until next time peeps...

2009-05-30T11:46:00.006-04:00

TWO BIRDS, ONE STONE

i just figured out the key to my life. i think i finally realize God's purpose for me. and im gonna share it with this blog so i can realize it even more...(then im gonna go write a rap to this beat that i cant get outta my head)

so. here it is...yesterday, i was looking in the mirror, like i usually do...at my face. how its ridden with bumps and marks and dryness and oiliness and all that other stuff. i was really getting depressed looking at it. as always. then i got on the phone. i was talking to the person about my problems. i asked, why is it that some people have it so easy? why is it that they are born with perfect skin, perfect hair, perfect bodies, and dont have to work for it...its just natural?

as i was venting, i came to a realization about my life. i was not born perfect. i wasnt born with a clean pallate of skin. i wasnt born with long flowing curly hair, nor a vuluptous (sp) body. i wasnt born into a rich, nice family. none of that. i was born me. so if i want my skin to be better, im going to have to work for it. its not just gonna be handed to me on a silver platter. hmmm...then i realized....my LIFE isnt gonna be handed to me on a silver platter. im gonna have to work for that ish. I was given this to teach me how to work for what it is that i want. The things I want are not going to come easy. They wont be handed to me. I wasnt born with oppertunity. But what i WAS born with is the determination and drive to do it. i just havent figured that out yet. i guess i just have to start small. once i conquer this one thing, i can learn to trust myself into working for the bigger things that i need. i have all the tools i need, now it is time for me to use them.

this acne was a sign in my life that i am JUST now beginning to realize. people...if you wanna get ahead in life, you HAVE to be aware of the signs that life is giving you! another sign that i've had recently was kinda freaky...

not freaky like that you freaks!

i saw a dead bird on day. just laying on the street. then i saw another like the same day. i was like whoa what the heck? i had never seen anything like that. and i was like ew, why am i seeing this? then i realized it had to be a deeper meening. ofcourse! killing two birds with one stone! moving to new york will help me kill 2 birds with one stone somehow, two things that have been plauging me. but then...i saw ANOTHER dead bird.

what could this mean? it MEANS that i will kill more than 2 birds with this one stone. I will accomplish everything that i need to.

maybe i have figured out the key to my life you guys...

or

maybe im just crazy.

only time will tell! peices!!

2009-05-28T20:09:00.002-04:00

i need to find out a way to get more site traffic to this dang stupid ugly freakin blog... (just playin blog, you know i love you)

anywho, seriously tho. everyday i get on the internet...adn i browse and browse and browse, looking for something that is gonna change my life, trying to be in the right place at the right time, internetly speaking ofcourse.

trying to gain some sort of knowledge that i hadnt had before. trying to realize what other people are doing, going through, tlaking about, thinking about, making videos about, writing blogs about.

i try to sign up for things, i try to win things, i just basically try everything i can think of. yet where am i? still in the same spot as i always am. wtf!

the internet is too dang big and full of stuff for me not to know how to use it properly. nobody tells me anything, everything is so intricate and complicated, every page leads to yet another, everything is so darn technical. but once i figure this whole thing out, HA. trust me, its gonna really be on and poppin. and im gonna bring it all back to my wonderful blog and share it with the rest of the world. why you may ask? cuz i aint stingy!

truth!

2009-05-26T17:34:00.000-04:00

ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

yay me and all that jazz

...that is all, carry on :)

2009-05-20T14:54:00.002-04:00

PURPOSE

what is yours? what is mine? does anybody really have one? why do we complain about our lifves? does everything really happen for a reason? why do i ask so many questions i KNOW that i will never factually know the answers to? we all have to read this book called the alchemist, but besides that, whats up with yall?

i've been slowly and surely trying to figure this life thing out. its hard. its complicated. sometimes i cant deciepher up from down, left from right, right from wrong... sometiems i wish i could go back to when i was a baby so i could live my life all over again. i dont think i did it right. but on the other hand, would i even be the same person i am? i hate kanye, but in a song of his he says everything he's not has made him everything he is. its kinda true. eh. everything. every SINGLE thing that we have done in our life has lead up to the point that we are right now. one thing differant and we probably wouldnt be anything like the person we are today.

i keep saying that im old. and i am kinda old in my mind. but alot of people say to me 'bretony, you arent old! shut up!' i be like 'i am old!' then they say 'no you aint!' and then that usually goes on for a while...

and then i think about it like, im kinda NOT that old. i just feel stuck. but when i think about it, i would just be graduating college right now. so ACTUALLY, im kinda not that old. its like i've just been in college all this time. havent really been learning anything educational persay....but i have been learning about real life. and real life can teach you a whole lot. so i've come to terms with the fact that IM NOT THAT OLD! (well actually i am gonna be that old in a week, because im turning 22 on may 26th! ahhhh! old!) i have a lot of life ahead of me tho. that is if i dont die a weird freakish death sometime before then. which is unlikely :)

i've also learned that as far as complaining goes, we need to give ourself a little talk before we start to verbally express certain feelings. we need to take the thing we are about to complain about and put it into either one of two categories: things that i can do something about, and things i cant do anything about. for instance, complaining about how tall you are. you cant change how tall you are! so stop b*tchin about it and just learn to love yourself. complaining about how broke you are...that is fixable, so instead of complaining and regretting and blaming people, think of how you can NOT be broke. duh people. this simple method could help eliminate complaints altogether and just get people motivated to solve their own problems and embrace what they cant change. think about it. you know its the truth.

fact of the matter is, even though people get on my nerves, i try to help everyone be the best person they can be. but i know that starts with me. im not too old. i have nothing to complain about. read the alchemist, its a good book, it'll make you think.

also read goosebump books, they can be scary.

ok peeps. that pretty much it, holla at a pimp!

p.s. and yes i did say my brithday is next week!!

you can give me a birthday present by sending something to my paypal (simonasavannah@yahoo.com)

cuz im broke! (im not complaining tho !)

k bye!

BIRTHDAY PRINCESS!!!!

2009-05-05T20:51:00.002-04:00

hey blog!

whats up. its me here. ya homie. or maybe not ya homie. im checkin in to see how everyone out there is doin. it seems like its always me me me me, but i really do like to hear what everyone else is doing sometimes. so let a sis know.
anywho, in other news. im gonna tell you my "plans" or whatever for the "summer" or whatever...or whatever!

ok so, thing is, i kinda gotta be outta my "apartment" by june 1st, but actually i gotta be out by like next week, but i TECHNICALLY have to be out like this week. its complicated as you can see. i have been going over all of my possible options, which is kinda werid seeing that i have absolutly no money, no assests, and piles of debt. but thats cool. i aint stressin. the most recent plan of many plans that i have like every 5 minutes, was to go on a cross country road trip with my best freind whitney...but turns out, whitney is a huge stick in the mud and does not want to go with me anymore...talkin bout how she has to be in a "specific place" or some other junk.

i just wish there was someone in this world like me. so i can elate to them, so i can tell them all my ideas and they'll just be like ok bretony! lets go! lets do it!. nah. nothin like that over here. all my friends are sticks in one huge pile of mud!

so i was talking to another friend of mine about the situation, and he's like, why dont you just go by yourself? FIRST of all...what the heck i look like cross country travelin with my high yellow self all up in the dark and loneliness of the open freakin road knowin good and well i have no clue where im goin, no money and no nothin. and SECOND of all, my mom is NEVER gonna let me use her car if she thinks its just gonna be me and the dusty trails. hecky naw.

then we talked somemore and he insinuated how it seems like i am too highly dependant on others to do things with me. which eh, i knida am, i'll admit. but its like sheesh, some things you just need other people. but i kinda get where he commin from. kinda. maybe. a little bit. i just need to stop trying to convince others to do things with me and just do that shit my own self.

i need to stop making "esxcuses" and just do things i guess. if i really want it that is.

p.s. i want a lip ring still. i might get one this week. (lol, but seriously tho)

2009-04-26T12:43:00.002-04:00

boys, boys, boys....and girls too

its come to my attention, that there are many people in this world... many boys, many girls, many men, many women. lil wayne (who i hate!) has this song called "every girl", talkin bout how he wishes he could smash every girl in the world...which first of all, ew...every girl? come on lil wayne, have some standards er somethin. but secondly, that really is how these guys think. you can never have too many girls. their goal in life is to get with as many as possible, no matter what. now boys have the advantage over us girls in the fact that they have no emotions. they can do it to everybody they want and just keep on pushin. suuuuure they may SAY they have a main girl, but blah. boys dont usually give a crap about all that. now girls on the other hand, some have these things called "emotions" in which they feel more attracted to a particular guy over the other. with girls its about quality rather than quantity. with boys its the opposite.

now this is usually the norm for boths sexes, however, when a girl crosses over into acting as a guy does when it comes to this situation, she is looked at strangely or "hoeish". and if a guy does the opposite and crosses into the ways of girls, he is looked at as...gay lol.

girls are supposed to be the ones that get attached. guys arent. who made these silly rules. which brings me to another thing. relationships...marriage....commitment. whats it all about huh? how are people supposed to pick just ONE whole person out of litterlay billions? and once we are in a relationship, we're stuck right? until someone messes up that is. why cant people just live life?

actually, some people do live life. some people dont. i guess if you want to be a live lifer, you have to find other live lifer's and leave the conservatives alone.

in case you havent noticed by now, im a STRONG liberal. i just get frustrated from time to time by all the rules of life...the world...all these people with their judgements. i say, if it aint harmin nobody, whats the harm? so yea, thats my advice for eeryone out there....roll with your own kind. rolling with an opposite, trying to mesh your views together...will be very messy and painfull. yea...thats some pretty good advice if i do say so myself. just know what you're getting into. if you know you are a certain way, dont try to fool people into thinking you are another way. be you! be happy! do what you want in life, just make sure everyone is on the same page lol...

thats the problem with the world today... no communication!

liberals stand up!

2009-04-19T12:42:00.004-04:00

something really quick to everyone out there...

i KNOW that one day everything I am trying to accomplish will be acheived. Its not even a question to me...but i just wanna say, I will remember all of the ones who have been there from the beginning. I will not forget you. and all the little scrimpy ones who will try to slide in saying that they have been there from day one, knowing GOOD AND WELL they never gave me the time of day, ignored me, didnt want to support me, or all kind of other stuff, i will remember you all too....so dont even try it!

if you dont like me now, keep not liking me, just dont be fake about it when you find out i could help you one day.

hollerrrr!

(thanks Dell!)

2009-04-13T21:20:00.003-04:00

new york will be my new home...soon

so like, yea. seriously, it will be. i just got back from there last weekend, but seriously tho, i dont even wanna acknowledge that im back in umm...where i am right now, because ya know what! im going back to new york so soon that it wont even matter!

i had so much fun there! i went with my sister and her husband...they wanted to do a whole lotta touristy stuff lol, but i wanted to act like i was a native. when somebody asked where i was from, i said brooklyn! and then he threw me off when he said what part....so i said, the bronx! then he started laughin and said oh okay... and then somebody said i sounded country! i dont sound no country! anywho, i still had such a blast either way. i've decided that i need to live in the east village because its just so freakin TIGHT! everybody says how expensive ny is and all, but actually...its really not. its all in our minds. its all fake! money is not real! if you want something, the best thing to do is just go and do it and stop waitng around for everythign to fall into place....it will fall into place when you get there!

see. my thing is, once i get kinda semi sorta famous...doing whatever, everything else will fall into place... if your a celebrity, all you have to do is slap your name on something and you will make money. and then if i am one, this blog will get much MUCH more traffic, and then i can make more money from adsense...and then my youtube will blow up, and then i will be on a tv show! and all my fantasy fairy tale dreams will come true and everyone will be super jelous and hate me for life :)

lol, just kidding. but for real tho, everything is gonna work out for me i just know it.

p.s. the casino is not the way to riches!!! NOT!!

p.p.s. here are some pics!

2009-04-03T10:56:00.003-04:00

new things, new pic, new kinda half way sorta unfinished rough draft blog, and other things....

hey erbody! im going to new york saturday! wa hoo! but let me tell yall ninjas somethin i just found out tho! tell me why these fools charge 15 freakin dollas to check ONE freakin bag!! no good...no good at all...

when i flew southwest, it was free and i checked 2 bags!

...im never flyin n*ggas wit attitude again, smh

ANYWHO

i kinda sorta made a rough draft for a blog me and whit are tryna do....let me know what yall think about it. i know its wack! but eh, i tried lol. im still workin on it doe!

http://www.selfmadesocialites.blogspot.com/

ALSO

here are a couple of pictures that i took recently....

(thats me when i drew some freckles on my face hehehehe)

anywho! thats it from me! hopefully my next blog will be filled, stuffed, and jam packed with new yorkocity!

if ya dont know, now ya know....

2009-04-01T23:37:00.002-04:00

hello all

it has come to my attention, that blog blog looks so freakin boring!!! its all black and plain, and wack! i was blog serchin a couple days ago, and i seen some real cute ones...all pimped out and stuff. im no technical genious, nor do i really wanna be, but dang can it be some tutorials on this mug?!! cant they make it a little simpler than just "learn html, or shut up"? why are they tryna make me pay for stuff when they know good and well my behind is broke??

they should really make things simpler on here so this blog/website can look extra super cool and people will wanna watch it and stuff. that would be totally sweet if i could put videos on here and links and make it just bretony.com instead of bretony.blogspot.com

ugh! so frustrating. i actually get frustrated very easily. idk why that is... i deal tho. i deal. my homie shardonay got me addicted to these wack BET reality shows now tho: harlem heights, baldwin hills, and college hill

what the heck is it about reality tv that hooks people??? i mean sheesh, i know they are bad to watch and they are killing the art of actual actors getting jobs on actual television shows and all...but i just love them all! i really need to stop watchin them tho, they get on my nerves.

this blog is pretty random, but oh well.

my top 3 websites for this week tho are: twitter, yahoo, and wikipedia

twitter is addictive as crap, yet annoying ant the same time, so i dont know what to do about it just yet, so im on there.

yahoo has it all, email, messenger, adn yahoo answers, the most infomtative thing ever...yahoo is better than google to me. google is lame, yahoo is hype.

wikipedia is addictive for one mainn reason....the hyperlinks! lets say you wanna look up like...michael jackson or somethin, on the page, it may have a biography about him, and in the bopgraphy will be the name of some other celebrity you knida dont know, so you can just click on their name and go to their page...before you know it you be on like 50 million pages...just gettin all sucked in! its crazy, but highly informative.

another thing i must say really quick is, the freakin digital transition is a freakin joke! just get cable, seriously. me and my roomates have one....the picture quality is NOT better, it digitalizes all the time. the sound is NOT better, its choppy and sometimes its off. some channels i dont even egt anymore without using an antenna as well as the box, which is lame and redundant. smooth transition my a**!

obama is still on the cover of everything.

my ipod is broke, but lady ga ga is the ISH!!!

bye yawl!!!

2009-03-25T00:09:00.002-04:00

some people are just...

fake.

2009-03-23T19:13:00.002-04:00

whats bangin peeps

anywho, another blog another dollar (litterally, it could be another dollar if google adsense would just pay me my dang money from all these ads runnin on my site!).

something that i want to talk about today is the "recession". now, ok, people are talkin about this is the worst it has been since the great depression, and nobody has a job and all of that stuff, but come on now. Does everyone really have to always keep talking about it? why cant we just sit here and suffer in ignorance of the hardships of everyone else? must we know how pittifully hopeless it is all the time to be living in the country where people are cutting back on the costs of living just to survive?
i think this is partly the news' fault for always talking about it. if they keep talkin about it, people will keep thinking about it, which will keep them depressed, which will keep them hopeless...which will ultimatly keep them broke! if the news was a little more happier and talked about stuff that made people happy, they wouldnt be so depressed, they would get out more, they would feel more motivated to do what they want to do....america would be running at full steam again. yay america!

but does anybody listen to bretony? nope, they dont. and thats exactly the problem. i always be havin the master plan up in here, but noooobdy listens. thats cool tho. imma practice my method on myself and then you will all see that it works.

another slight suggestion that i have for america, is instead of giving out all these loans to big corperations and banks, and automakers and crap, the government should just give everyone over 18 a cool million dollars.
now hear me out! giving every eligable american a million dollars, it will immediatly increase the economy in that everyone will be buyin stuff! and if that doesnt get the ball rollin, well shoot...i dont know what will.
ofcourse there is the argument that money will loose its value. but in actuality, money is whatever we make it out to be. we are the ones who created the whole monitary system in the first place. money is just little pieces of paper that we say is worth something. and ANOTHER thing, the government givin out billions of dollars to these other companies who are loosing it at alarming rates of like a million a day? where is all this money goin anyway? cuz i sure aint seein it....AMERICA sure aint seein it. WHERE THE CRAP IS IT??? i just think that we need a better game plan. maybe america just needs to start from scratch or somethin. maybe we need to go back to a barter system. maybe we need to implament communism er somethin! shoot idk, but what i DO know is, this lil thang america got goin on right now aint workin.

i swear obama need to appoint me as a financial advisor. bretony for president!

p.s. please comment so i can know that people read this! i be feelin lonley :(

...even if its a bad comment...i like those the best anyway

bye!

2009-03-14T13:57:00.003-04:00

Bretony's 2 cents about the chris brown and rihanna thing (that is really starting to get on my nerves...but oh well)

FIRST of all i would like to say, that omg...if i see one more talk show talkin about some dang on teen domestic violence, i think i might punch something! ofcourse it is a very serious topic and all, but everybody is just bandwaggoning off of the chris brown rihanna hypeness right now, and they think dowmestic violence is just such a hot topic right now (and now look at ME talkin about it...they sucked me in!). i really REALLY dont need to keep hearing about it, the idfferant aspects of it, other peoples personal encounters with it....just let it fizzle!

domestic violence is something that goes on. just like everything else goes on. i know that it is a very tramatic experience for people who go through it. but it is a personal thing that you have to deal with. if you need help getting out of a situation. but seriously tho, i know anybody who is goin through it doesnt need to keep hearin about the chris brown rihanna thing.

and another thing, why have we not heard a complete rihanna side of the story??!! all we heard about was how chris beat the crap out of her. what did she even do? i really would like to know. can somebody get a post interview with these people please?? and everybody keeps saying there is no excuse to hit a woman ever. what if it was self defense!! (it probably, most likely was definatly not, but im just sayin) and another thing about them supposedly getting back together or whatever....everybody keeps saying if a man hits you once he will hit you again... in response to that, is that to say that if a man cheats on you once he will cheat again? if a person steals from you once they will steal again?? is that to say people never change???? im PRETTY sure that chris brown has learned a lesson from all of this drama, and im PRETTY sure he doesnt want anymore of this negative publicity associated with his name. i honestly dont really think we will hear anymore fight club stories out of him. (if we do, he is just an idiot, but i really dont think we will ever hear of him hitting her anymore).

i just dont think that the media is right for labeling chris the way they do. i still think he is fine then a mug (and looked EXTRA fine in his court suit). yes he made some mistakes. we all do! we are human! judge not lest ye be judged. who is to say that one mistake is worse than another? we, as people who are on the outside looking in, can make any number of judgements that we want, but do we really know what goes on inside that person? that is why i love psychology so much. we have to understand the inside and not just simply judge the exterior. i do not think chris is a horrible person at all.

and this non sense about rihanna needing surgery? .........

yo pretty a** is still cute! you dont need no got dang surgery!! wtf! she does however look more sad all the time, but she needs some inside surgery for that. i know that all of this stuff has to be pretty deppressing right now, but if the media would just STOP TALKING ABOUT IT FOR 2 SECONDS im sure she will be back to normal in time.

all im tryna say is, i personally know of women who have been abused. and out of all of those girls (and one guy), not ONE of them left the person after the first time they got hit. not one. some of them are still in relationships right now. all im sayin is, is chris brown forever doomed because he "beat up" rihanna that one time? should he never have another relationship with anyone? should he ALWAYS be looked at as the ike turner of our time?

i dont think so... cuz thats extra messed up. eh. it might seem like im tryna take up for chris, but really im just trying to get people to look at the other side of things and not just the poor defenseless rihanna side.

but thata it for now! truth! if ya dont know, ask!

(shoot, if she dont want him...)

p.s. if a guy ever TRIED to hit me, i would kick him sqaure in the nuts. point blank.

2009-03-11T18:41:00.002-04:00

deal or no deal....of life!!!

hey erbody...its me again....bretony. since im usually home during the day. like ALL day, and sometimes i dont even wake up until the tyra banks show comes on at like noon (eh, i work late!), im going to talk about the tv shows i watch, and the impact they have on me.

first show up, and the most important i think, is the show DEAL OR NO DEAL! now this show is a TAD annoying at times, however, i think it is the most direct comparrison to life as i know it to be. now follow me on this, the show is basically a chance show...a person picks a case out of like 30 or somethin, and then they keep picking cases to see if there is more money in their case or in another case. (as you can probably tell, im not good at explaining things, but look it up online!)
ANYWHO, through out the show, the person has to make choices as wether or not to trade in the case they have for money...but the thing is, they dont know what they have in their case. which is just like life!! at the beginning of our lives, we are given things...we dont knkow how those things are gonna shape our life, but we still have choices to make throughout life to either trade in what we were given for something else which could either be better...or worse. but whos to know what is better and what is worse? we cannot see that far down the road of life. choices are the main component of life as we know it, but the sad part about those choices is that we have absolutly no idea if we are making the right choice. ofcourse there may be signs and stuff, but whos to REALLy say that if you take that promotion you will be successfull? who is to say that marrying your high school sweetheart will end in everlasting romance? nothing! we are not fortune tellers! that game show is completly and utterly unfair. just like life is. and most of us waste our time complaining about how it isnt fair, when we actually just need to accept that as a fact. life isnt fair people. but that doesnt mean we cant work with what we are given...because we absolutly can. people on the show usually go home with a couple thousand dollars once they realize the fact that the game isnt fair and they just need to take what they can get out of it lol.

truth!

i also want to talk breifly about a couple other shows that i watch... americas next top model!!
the new season started up last week, and no im not on it! curses! but anywho, every season they do them makeover things...and it kills me EVERYTIME there is one poor girl who has to get her hair cut...even if its like long down her back. and there may be a little resistance...but what really kills me is tyra banks KNOWWWW good and WELLL that she need that weave to survive! if somebody told her she had to cut HER hair? it would be soooo a wrap. and then she got the nerve to tell people that they dont really wanna be a model cuz they dont wanna cut their hair. come on now ty! and another crazy thing, this crazy lady announced that ONLY short models will be on next season...

what????

she is obviously confused about things in her life. if anything, i think they should lower the AGE, not HEIGHT. is she nuts? now i cant even try out no more ;(
skip them tho!

the last show i wanna talk bout is dumb, but ray j of love!! i dont know wtf it is about all these stupid vh1 reality shows, but i absolutly have to watch them! they probably put a spell on each episode. like for real. but ray j know his playa a** dont wanna find no dang love. none of them do. does anybody ever find love?? even on the non crazy ghetto fight club shows like the bachelor...do they find love? finding love on tv is like finding a hay in a haystack. but still tho, i like people trying to act like they like each other. idk. eh! guilty pleasure.

bretony updates: i will be in new york city april 4th through 9th!! yay me! i have a modeling job out there but if you wanna hang in ny, let a pimp know!
life is still good, still lovin it

still tryna get by!

but aight. thanks erbody! and ttyl!

peices!

2009-03-02T19:02:00.002-05:00

omg...

omg to alot of things you guys...

i cant belive im saying this and meaning it, but i love my life right now. YOP! i actually do! everything has really been comming along quite nicely for me these past 2 weeks. so many good things have happened for me, and i dont know where its comming from. but i thank every person and spirit involved.

(p.s. i cant really type and think too well, im listening to my ipod right now, but i cant stop! she got a donk!)

but seriously yall, i have been doing more and more photoshoots, which i love. i got another JOB as a reasturant hostes, which is SWEET. another agency wants to meet with me tomorrow, which is the BOMB. but i think the most bestest thing of all is....

i got a freakin laptop in the mail today! thats right peeps, someone just straight up sent lil ole me a laptop cuz they knew i was in need! yes i know, they are insane, but now me not having a laptop wont be such a freakin hinderance on my life (which is now fabulous!)

im tellin you guys, you may not see it right away, but good things do happen to good people sometimes, and there really is a plan for your life. it will all work out if you just try to stay positive and keep focoused. things may get overwhelming, but that is inevitable. it is ok to feel how you feel, you dont need to tell everyone your buisness like i do, but maybe you can just tell one person.

which brings me to something, alot of people really, REALLY like talking to me about things for some odd reason. i really dont know what it is, but people on the internet are always asking me for advice and tips and telling me these random things. mainly on myspace i get messages ranging from my mothers boyfriend abuses me, to i am 100 pounds but i want to be skinnier, to i have suicidal thoughts, everything in my life is falling apart, and i dont know what to do with my life anymore....please help.

yes, that is a tad bit heavy for ya gurl b somedays, but i dont just not answer these people. everyone who asks me to listen, asks me for advice, i give them the best feedback that i can, using things that i have personally went through as well as things i have witnessed people i know go through. i just hope that they dont keep it all in. because that is truly the worst thing you can do peeps.

(ouch typers crap)

one thing tho, if people do come to you for you to listen...do just that, listen. actually listen. they will appreciate it. im tellin you they will.

now here is something i RARELY do, but im bout to give a couple shout outs:

alexis b....you have been there from the beginning of the bretony era, you were lovin it, you even started your own to reach out to the people yourself. i know im not really good at keeping up with alot of things, but i still keep up when i can! i dont do that for everybody. i belive that you will accomplish everything you want. keep hope alive gurl!

fern!...umm, yeah. you just started gettin on the bretony train (not like that you freaks!), but im glad you finally decided to get on! you now know alot of things about me, and you are a person who listens. you have a good heart. you are living your life. and thats all that anybody could ever dream of. keep doin what you doin playa! (not playa, but you know!)

whitney and blair.... i know yall ninjas dont read this! but whitney is my best friend, and blair is her sister...they are like my sisters...and they are my roomates lol. blair took me and poor whitney into her own personal space to let us stay when we didnt have anywhere to go at ALL. i really dont even know where i would be if she hadnt let us live with her. i know you had to give up like....all your privacy, but we all have fun dont we?! dont we???? (we do yall, i cant live in no boring house). whitney has been there for literally EVERYTHING. like seriously. we are really both in this together...if one of us sinks, we both sink, if one of us swims, we both do. if one of us only has a dollar left to our name, we will buy a double cheese burger from mcdonalds and split it. my dog, my sister. love yall both. :)

(ugh this is gettin gay...and long)

internet homies....T1, sunshyne, notiq, mr. tate!, nikki....you all are like the most frequent commenters (besides annonymous, whoever the crap THAT is). i really appreciate how you take time out of your day to see what i gots ta say about life and how crazy it is. you all are really what keep me going. i keep writing this because i know you all read it faithfully. thank you so much!!

you all are so great, but i gotta get outta here now. peices!!!

p.s.

.....i cut my hair.....

BYE!

2009-02-27T14:33:00.000-05:00

bretony be all on the cover of magazines and ish :)

holler!!

2009-02-24T15:27:00.003-05:00

hello everyone, happy fat day!

well well well, long time no write, i know right! ugh! not having a laptop completly and utterly sucks popsickles! im working on gettin another one tho, so dont worry!

this post today will be about reflections. First and foremost I HAVEEEE to give the biggest shout out in the world to Pierre. LOVE YOU PIERRE!

Let me tell yall what this crazy person did....he actually went back and read every single blog I ever wrote on here. yeap, all 70 of them. (i know right! 70? what the heck do i even be talkin about?!) anywho, him reading them made me curious as to what the heck i was talkin about way back when in 2006. so i read a couple of past blogs myself, and oh....my....GOSH i've changed alot! Its crazy all the stuff I went through these past couple of years. I have really grown as a person in a lot of differant aspects. i came across one blog in which i was talking about gettin over cheating....but low and behold, that young naive bretony had never actually been cheated on to the extent that she was yet to have been cheated on. now i have a completly differant view on the matter. there was a blog when i was single and lonley....there were blogs when i ranted about my horrible job....now i rant about how i need one lol. my how the times have changed!

reading my old blogs also lead me to another conclusion. my most controversial ex. i actually messaged him and told him that i was soooo over him it wasnt even funny...just to make things perfectly clear between us ofcourse... we ended up, not so much talking as we did arguing, but our conversation was very enlightening. since i was over him, i decided to ask about his new girlfriend...so he proceded to tell. eh, she aint all that...but i guess he was tellin me how all his friends and family like her better than me...how people actually really didnt even like me at all. fake. how people thought i was concieted because i like to take pictures (mainly of my chest). eh! its whatever, but i really dont like the fact that them hoes was fake to me about it. if its one thing i can not STAND, its when people have something to say about me, but tell other people...and continue to act like my friend! heffa you dont even know me, okay?

ugh! irritation. i guess im back on facebook lol, eh. i really wanna get off, but i like looking through my photo albums (not in a concieted way!)

but back to the ex tho.... in talking to him, it seems apparent that this fool likes rubbing things in my face. which is all fine and dandy with me, cuz guess what chico, im not bout to rub a thing in your face...not even lotion...nothin. imma just live my life quietly and do what the heck i gotta do. and if i do this right, i wont even HAVE to say nothin. the best revenge (not that im seeking any tho), is succeding. remeber that everyone. next time somebody is tryna tell you something about yourself, you dont have to say a thing, cuz actions speak WAY louder than words....and im bout to be straight yellin at his a**!

yeap! so i guess thats pretty much it, continue to pray for me, as i pray for you.

P.S. my new addiction is twitter!!! a million bazillion times better than facebook....twitter is crunk! (yea im bringin crunk back)

resses peices!!! (that means bye)

2009-02-16T17:23:00.002-05:00

chuckle chuckle...

lol @ me not even mentioning it was valenties day last post. oh well, i guess by the non mention of it you can kinda figure v day isnt exactly my FAVORITE holiday. ANYWHO! i kind of mentioned it a little bit in the last post, but i am writng a book... i am also reading a lot of books. i bought about 10 books in the last 2 weeks. all helping to enlighten my mind on this never ending quest to find out exactly who i am, where im going, and where i will end up.

i think im doing a pretty good job! well, as far as the soul searching goes...however, soul serching is expensive...and i still only work one day a week! i really need to do somethin to get money! any ideas? eh, i know the economy is bad and all, but i still have a few rules: no fast food, no happiness jobs, and nothing too far from where i live. i know that doing any of those things will make me unhappy and nothing will ever get accomplished. but seriously tho, ideas??

(christina augilera - fighter...just found it kinda ironic how this was the next random song that played in my ipod)

signs. that is one thing that has been pretty clear in my quest. there are signs all around us. i dont know if i mentioned this in any of y previous blogs, but i believe that i am part psychic. i wont go into detail right now but just trust me on this. i have very strong premonitions and VERY strong de ja'vu ish type feelings. i can also predict what people are gonna say sometimes and sometimes even what is about to happen. on a small scale ofcourse, but i think if i "excersise my brain" if you will, i will be able to really be in tune with more of my mind power.

if you all didnt know, humans only use a very small portion of thier brain. god gave us all of it, so why dont we practice using more of it instead of the part that we always use for the same stuff. think outside the box, color outside the lines, question authority! all that cliche ish.

but seriously tho, i need some dang money. so if you DO infact have any suggestions, feel FREE to holla at a pimp! also if you want advice on anything, my door is always open, just let me know!

mkay yawl, i think that is enough for me! ttyl!

p.s. i am STILL topless....LAPtopless that is (lol!). sad but true.

2009-02-14T13:38:00.003-05:00

everyone, no one, and a few other folk....

i am such a poet. my writing skills are like...sweet. i wrote a song last night called "forever is a long time". it was simply the bomb. im currently writing my book called life as bre know it, as most of you may know...it (lol!) anywho.... i am not on my own computer. sad isnt it. the donations arent exactly pouring in for my new laptop as i had hoped.... eh! i'll get it myself. anywho. im kinda in a rushed state...so im just gonna leave it at.... follow me on twitter home skillz!!

(cuz i can update that from my phone)

aight peaces!

2009-02-09T17:09:00.002-05:00

seriously?

like seriously tho?? come on now... my laptop CANT be broken. oh but it is. it broke about 2 weeks ago actually. or i think it was the date of my last post. but anywho. that mug is broke! it wont even cut on! its really a mess. that laptop was my life line. i would have rather my phone been broken then my laptop. i dont even like talkin to people on the phone! but oh well, God has a plan of action.

what does this mean for the internet tho? hmm. well, it means i cant do ish until i get a new laptop! and my job doesnt really pay ":stacks on deck" persay. speaking of stacks on deck tho lol, I got to see souljah bwah tellem at my job lol. LOL! i know right. but eh, i like that she got a donk song so it was cool. besides the fact that my laptop broke, I have been pretty happy. my life is slowly but surely getting together. and it really starts from the inside out. i have started eatingf better, reading more, doing prayer and meditation. getting all forms of reationships either fixed up, or cut off. it is truly a very cleansing process that i highly recomend for all.

im at ghetto wayne state university's computer lab right now, so i cant really type a whole lot. but maybe i will come back another day this week to finish talkin and ish. hmm, what else.

OH! the chris brown rhianna thing....smh..... i dont know all the details, as no one does yet, but im still gonna speculate anyway (like everyone does lol)
ok...so I HEARD that rhianna gave chris herpes and then he started whoppin her a**! then she called 911 and junk, then chris turned himself in. now...that may not ALL be true, but they have already started takin chris's endorsements off tv! wtf! i loved that doublement commercial! i think they should take rhianna's dumb a** covergirl commercial off tv too! you know, just until everything is cleared up and stuff. but eh! who am i to judge.

this earthy livin is aight yall, but i mean sheesh, imma need to get SOME kinda technology back in my life dang! i can check the blog from my phone, but i cant write blogs from my phone, so i guess until next time, holla @ playa! and gimme some feedback!

thank ya!
bi!

2009-01-29T12:01:00.002-05:00

Buenos! Konnichi wa! What it do!

sup erbody, its me crazy girl...i wanna talk about a couple things today since im up so freakin early!

anywho, i wanna talk about the Tyra banks show lol. i know i know! but yea. her show really REALLY cracks me up sometimes. i dont think i would wake up as early as i do sometimes if it wasnt for her crazy show. tyra is truly insane. like seriously. i respect her and all dont get me wrong, but like....almost everyshow first of all, she finds SOME way to make it about her! she is also so very overly dramatic like...wow. she seriously be bouncin off the wall. another thing, she be judgin people! like she'll bring somebody on the show, lets say, a prostitute, then she'll get all up in they life and just tell them how wrong everything about them is. im like dang tyra! open ya mind!

i still love her tho lol.

tv has really gone downhill for me anyway. i use to have cable all the time up until i was in my own apartment. no more cable for bre...i only went over people's houses to watch certain stuff. i dont know what it is about those stupid darn reality shows on vh1, but they are so ADDICTIVE!!! ugh! and the thing is, i always talk about how dumb they are, but they keep me hangin every dang episode. i hate them. stop tryna find love! stop mindlessly entertaining me! no but seriously tho, those girls on those shows will love anything to be on tv. i swear if they had a chimpanze lookin for love, them hoes would be on there like "he's my monkey i love hiiiim!"

one show i DO love tho? csi! cold case! law and order! love those shows. i would like to solve crimes sometimes, but i aint tryna be on nobody's list when they get outta jail, so i'll just watch them from home. still fun tho.

so thats enough talk of tv. im gonna start helping to promote other people in this blog because ya know....its not all about me all the time. i wanna let people know about the stuff that i find interesting that other people do. and it wont be just anything, trust me. because besides the occasional trashy reality show, i am a tough critic when it comes to entertainment. and i also have a short attention span. BUT there ARE somethings i find highly entertaining. today...the thing i want to tell everyone about is....hmmm, i dont really have anything right this very moment, but NEXT BLOG its on and poppin.

aight yall! gotta get ready for work! (this ole one day every two weeks a** job)

bye!

2009-01-26T12:08:00.003-05:00

( first of all, hot fiyahhhhh)

HEY PEEPS!!!

yeah...let me break somethin down to yall real quick. my laptop? BROKE! i can hardly push the buttons anymore! i actually had to copy and paste letters from differant websites just so i could log into my yahoo :(

i also cant edit intricate videos...i can only upload straight from my camera. i cant continue to be a famous internet show host under these condidtions!! argh! also, my internet has been out for a couple of days. which is BEYOND my control. anywho, looking past all that. this past sunday i was watching cbn on tv...it was about how people from all over the world need help and junk and how the network gave them free medical care, food, clean water, all kinda cool stuff. but yea, i decided that my life is too short to just be livin it for me. i never really did plan on being a stingy person tho. i always said to myself when i get a whole lot of money, im mainly gonna be using it to help others. but i mean, why cant i start now? i know i dont have a whole LOT of money, but i do have some. and i am a very blessed person regardless of all that goes on in my life. i just look at those things as well....a part of freakin life your GONNA have ups and downs. but some people...they just dont have a chance. i know that i can do something to help them even before i get millions and millions of dollars. so yes. i have decided. i want to help others in whatever way i can.

HOWEVER!!!! bums on the street? eff them cuz they CLEARLY have a chance. im talkin bout people who i know really dont have a chance. i feel very strongly about bums....dont even get me started. but imma just tell you this, i'll be DARNED if somebodt older than me come up to me askin for some money and sh*t....wtf? fool! i may even be broker than you as much as yo beggin a** be on this corner. you probably went to the SAME high school i went to. why you so differant huh? this is America jack....land of oppertunity. you just lazy.

that MAY seem a little mean, but think about it. its actually not.

but alright you guys, i have a lot of things to do today. dont know how imma do it all. but EH!
im probably about to be a webcam girl so i can afford my new laptop, then im gonna start makin my show again lol.

but seriously tho.

but aight!! guess thats it for right now.

***i am aware i have a public blog and all, but sheesh if i know you in real life and you read my blog, and you dont tell ME that you do and then you tell other people about the things i said about em in my blog??? *cough* Troy *cough* ummm....just let me know that you read it mmkay? i would like some feedback! :)

******im thinkin about making a video about my ex and putting it on youtube. i usually dont come out publicly with my relationships, but i think it would be good for me to get all my feelings out there to a mass audience :)

talk to ya latra! spread the love. spread the truth.

2009-01-20T20:01:00.002-05:00

i have come to the conclusion....

that i am not good with sad situations. i really dont be knowin what to do...like AT ALL. today my cousin just had a miscarriage. she was 8 months pregnant. i know this was a very sad thing, but when my mom told me, i didnt know what to say or do. later on today, she was going to the hospital to go see her, and since i was already in the car i kinda had to go see her too. when i got up to the room....i dont know man. it was sad up in there! i dont like sad stuff. im tryna be happy! im tryna be positive! its not like i wanna be selfish and not be there for her when she needs support, but i really dont know what to do. in my family, we've always just looked past sad events. we dont deal with things head on. we dont console each other. yes, i grew up very differant from alot of families, and i really cant help the way i was raised.

anywho. i gave her a hug. and tried to look as somber as everyone else in the room. i mean....sigh...

it was pretty dramatic. but then i got to thinking, what if instead of an unborn baby that died, it was someone closer to me personally? like my mom...or best friend... or sister. how would i react to that? i dont even like crying in front of people, but would i just break down? its werid to think about because it is soooo....not me!

i dont like dealing with it!! do i have to? cant i just stick to what im good at? making people happy??

i never know what to say, i never know what to do, and it kinda bugs me....am i a bad person?

feedback. please. thanks. bye.

and happy obama day

2009-01-17T16:39:00.002-05:00

HEY!!

real short post.... i need a new laptop. pronto.

anywho, ummm...i dont really ahve time to write anything, i just wanted to write something...

they are about to get back on my laptop again and watch movies cuz we dont have a dvd player over here.

(sigh, very stressfull living with a bunch of ninjas sometimes...)

i mean! when they watch movies on my laptop, it monopolizes my internet AND i cant watch the other tv because THEY are watching a movie already (yes there is only one room).

idk man, something need to happen tho, they tryna take my positive energy. eh, maybe i should just say something if its bothering me. i will when i get back home from work today (yes work today!!)

anywho, enough complaints. gotta find my happy place again. bout to listen to some music.

DONT LET EM STEAL YA ENERGY!!!

2009-01-14T01:55:00.003-05:00

sup yawl!

hey guys its me brebre93 (lol, a little nickname i made up for myself, kinda lame i know). WELL i have been semi busy these days, which is why i havent updated the blog thang in a while...but if you havent already...go watch my video on youtube!! its just a sample of what is to come tho, the next video should be out sometime this weekend. buty um, yea! lets update you guys on whats been going on.

you all know i have been being really positive and thinking good thoughts and what not, well, i guess its been payin off a little! cuz guess what?? i got signed to a modeling agency! woot1 i know right! i was JUST talking about needing a freakin agent or something, and what do ya know, they saw my pictures online and told me to come in, and today i did, and they signed me1 now i will start getting more paid work for modeling and mre jobs and stuff like that. sweeeet. I ALSO got a job at the state theatre which is venue for like concerts and stuff (white people concerts tho...nothing against em, just i never know the bands!). its not really a full time job, only when they have events, but hey its still a job! so yeap, im slowly but surely gettin it all back together! keep prayin for me doe.

in current event news, the obama concert...oops i mean inaguration... is next week, and EVERYBODY is going. i mean, anybody whos anybody will be there. guess im not much of anybody tho, cuz my broke a** is bout to be home then a mug. but i guess i will watch it on tv. but like seriously tho, is this a concert or what? because i think people are forgetting what this shin-dig is actually about. i think most of those homies going just want to party. but hey, thats just me. in other news, i know this is kinda insignificant to most people, but real chose cornfed on te real chance of love finale lol!!! idk man, i liked that show for some reason....and im glad he picked her because they look cute together!!

IN MORE NEWS i need a webcam!!! so i can get on this other website and people can see me live. but oh well! i know i will get one soon....cuz if i put my mind to it, nothing gets in the way of what i wants. holler!

keep being happy! fake it till ya make it if you have to....dont let anyone or anything get in the way of your happiness.

and if ya dont know ask somebody!

(new hair color! holla!)

2009-01-09T18:18:00.003-05:00

Meet the cutest kids in the whole world ever...

my niece and nephew enshira and gyasai....(i know the names are weird, but awwwwww!!)

love them so much!

...even tho they bad!...

who says teenage pregnancy cant be a good thing? i mean...ofcourse it ruins your life in some sort of way, but look at what cute kids come of it! anywho, i dont condone havin babies before marriage, but if it happens it happens and i guess you just have to move forward from it. i just know that i'd MUCH rather be a wife and mother than just a baby momma.

but do what you do! wrap it up!

2009-01-07T17:19:00.002-05:00

Watch the latest videos on YouTube.com

LOL!!

umm, hello everyone. i think i know what im gonna talk about today. GOOGLE ADSENSE!! (i hope this isnt illegal tho).

i signed up for google adsense a while ago, and i didnt really know what it was. i just heard you get money from the people clicking on the links. its very technical and stuff, but yea, it actually DOES work tho. but i've only made like 17 dollars in like 5 months. which is wack. you can put the ads in your blog or your youtube videos. right now i only have those two stupid videos for revenue sharing because they always be talkin about copyright infringement or some bull... but i mean dang! even if the music is playin on the radio in the background i cant use it??! and if they deny it for sharing,they remove it from youtube completly. which is also some b.s.! so now, i have to realy be careful about the videos i put on yotube, EVERYTHING has to be origional. but in this world....hardly anything is anymore.

one thing that i know is origonal tho, is my blog. cuz NOBODY goes through what i do. i'll tell ya that right now. that is why im really trying to get more people to come read my blog.

maybe i should like, commit a crime or something and then peolpe will be curious about me and google me and then read my blog! yay!

but nah, to illegal. oh well, im still reading up on it everyday. still aint got no job. i will let ya all know as soon as i have a breakthrough. ITS LONG OVERDUE!!!

peace jiggas!

2009-01-07T01:01:00.003-05:00

NEWSFLASH!!!!

i need an agent! omg!
like seriously yall, that junk just hit me hard. but how do i get one with no money? thats the million dollar question right there.

welp! since i aint got no JOOOOOB, lol, i guess i get to spend my days and lonely nights trying to figure that out.

im gonna figure it out tho, dont worry. and oh yeah! im gonna be making more videos real soon you guys! i know you have all been patiently waiting, and im gonna make one real soon promise lol.

i know what i have to do now in life. that is the first step. now i need a plan. a nice, solid plan. and guidence. and support. the main support i get however is from myself. and im fine with that. i am my best support team.

:)

one more thing you guys! im learning how to make web pages yay!!
yeap thats right. i've been reading up on this weirdo html coding and junk. its pretty easy...just tedious then a mug. but im gettin it. i heard javascript was a mofo tho, but imma learn that too.

i hope everyone notices that im focusing on the positive now a days. because ya know! i realize something about me.... i had a very sad time in my life. and ever since after that sad time, i have been having more sad times. sadness begets more sadness people! that is why im gonnna try somethin new here. be happy. sounds simple dont it? it is. no one can make you happy like you can make yourself (except for those crazy people out there who belive in "love" and all that mushy crap). but seriously tho. things may seem bad at first, but ya know...i'd rather be happy than....not. ya know? ya feels me?! being happy takes so much less energy. and thus, happiness...begets more happiness. and good things. so im gonna just keep myself happy, no matter who tries to bring me down.

there is an old song we use to sing in church...when i actually WENT to church...it went like:

"this joy that i have
the world didnt give it to me
this joy that i have
the world didnt give it to me
this joy that i have (pretty redundant)
the world didnt give it to me

the world didnt give it
the world didnt take it
the world cant take it awaaaaaaay"

lol. church. gotta love it.

anywho you guys. im off to eat ice cream and listen to music. meditate. and make myself happy.

who says you cant sift the gold out of the dirt? ha. i will win this thing...

but seriously tho, i do need an agent.

bye! mwah!

and dont worry be happy! :)

2009-01-04T19:36:00.004-05:00

hello everyone....

so, since im broke and have no job/life, i have spent my days joining every single community website i can find. so far, im on twitter, mybloglog, livejournal, uhh....tried to get on skype, icq, bebo, uhh.....a bunch of other random stuff too. im basicallky trying to get more internet exposure by promoting myself in any way i can...i really dont know how much this is gonna work lol, but i'll give it a try. i mean shoot, aint got nothin else to do. on website i did find was this site to help you get myspace friends...it seems kinda spammish, and it kinda is, but it actually works. after i was on there for like an hour, i got like 100 myspace friend requests. sounds crazy right, but let me explain in lamens terms so yall wont think im tryna scam yall:

it works like, you have to add a bunch of people that come across the screen everytime it refreshes. these peoploe are completly random, and some weird...you dont really have to add them if you want (cuz i dont, i just exit out of the screen). anyways, when you add people, you profile pops up on other peoples screen so they can add you. im tellin you tho, it really does work, so i think if you want a lot of random myspace friends you should try it lol.

ttyl homies!

***yes the tacky lookin link is at the top of the page for now...i know its tacky, but eh

2009-01-02T13:36:00.004-05:00

welp, since im up

I know it may seem a tad late for me to be waking up on a thursday, friday, whatever today is ( you know how when your not in school you never seem to know what day it is?). anywho, i have like the weirdest dreams ever you guys. i swear they dont be having anything to do with anything. i never really remember all of the dreams, but i will tell you parts of the dream that i remembered.

ok, so i was....actually idk how it started off. all i know is one minute i was...hmm, what WAS i doing? i think i was over my grandmas house. but my grandma wasnt there, my aunt was there. my family was there also...my sisters and my mom and dad. they were all telling me to hurry up and get ready for some reason. i guess i was really slow, cuz the next minute i looked around everyone was gone. i was still getting ready tho and i was like, happy for some reason. i was talking to my aunt and telling her i was about to leave and i wrote her 2 checks for 50 dollars. she was so happy she wrote me a check for 75 dollars. i dont think i wanted to accept it because i figured my checks would bounce because i didnt really have any money. i ended up taking her money lol. anywho, when i was ready to leave, i hugged my aunt and walked outside. but when i went outside, my dad was a white guy, but i knew in the dream that he was still my dad. and it was also night time, and it was also in a very ghetto neighborhood, and i also discovered that i was in some sort of witness protection type of thing because my "dad" was sheilding me as we walked down the street. as we walked i got more and more scared and cars seemed to ride by us slower. it was the longest walk to the car. i asked him why in the HELL were we taking the long way? it took us a few more minutes then we finally got to the car. i jumped in and told my dad to lock the doors and drive away as fast as he could. i saw someone walking up to his window and was completly horrified. a man knocked on the window, my heart was beating. the guy turned out to be a policeman. he told us to both get out of the car immediatly. he said the car had to be searched for drugs. i felt a wave of relief flow over me because i knew there were no drugs in the car. or did i...

when we got out of the car, we went over to another car. this car had 3 of the baddest girls i had ever seen (meaning they were very pretty lol). like seriously, they were all looking so good. but everybody was in coats, and two of the girls were arguing. i guess i knew them becaue i got in the car with them while the police continued to search the car that i was origionally in. the girls were having some sort of relationship argument. i guess they went together? on girl was very cute, but i could tell she was very skinny, and that made her a little less attractive than the other girls. anywho, i guess she was a drug addict and the girl she was arguing with couldnt take it anymore. the skinny girl walked away and back to her car. she seemed very sad. we were all talking about her in the car when she left. i guess the other girl in the car was MY girlfriend or something because we were making out lol. anywho, a few minutes later we all looked over and heard her about to start her car. then something weird happened. her car like blew up...but in slow motion. it was weird. i saw every spark leave the car. and i even saw an alcohol bottle emerge from the car and slam all the way through our car window. but it was all slow. we all looked over toward the car to see what happend to the skinny girl, but as we looked over toward her car, we saw her walking towards us. her girlfriend got out of the car and walked toward the skinny girl. they began kissing and making out. then they got back to the car we were all sitting in. she was telling the skinny girl that she was sorry or something and that she didnt know what she would do if something had happened to her. i was sitting in that backseat so confused. i dont know why i didntgo back to my other car with my dad, but i just ended up going somewhere with the car full of girls.

we ended up at this candy shop. a boutique candy shop. and they were letting us sample all of the good candy they had made. i was immediatly happy again. and i was eating all the chocolate i could grab. it was so good. as other people came into the shop, i seemed to know everyone. then they had a stand up comedian come out. yes i know, very random. but people kept comming in that i recognized. i saw these two girls come in, they were even finer than the girls in the car. i was telling myself that when the comedy show was over, i was gonna go over and talk to them. they laughed at some random joke and then i woke up...

wierd!!!!! i already know! you dont have to tell me! now i KNOW im no lesbian, but still, i wonder what that dream could mean. i mean, i AM having men problems right now...but...i just know im not gonna go over to the other side, it is a weird thought tho.

i havent really talked to either guy in a week. i miss him...i shouldnt be missing him tho. but i cant help it...

i want to call him. but if i do, i wont know what to say. so i just dont call him. i KNOW he's not gonna call me. maybe i should just get over it and focus on myself. focus on self love. i mean shoot, tyra banks aint got no man! look at her! successfull then a mug! thats how i need to be. only differance is....i still dont have anybody. like nobody. even tyra had her mother. i have no one. but oh well. i guess i will just keep trying. keep trying to put myself out there. i will also be making more videos soon because i got a digital camera for christmas (yea, the only thing i got!).

its just harder to make videos when you are depressed. its easier to write. but i guess i'll suck it up. because i need to get on the grind and get ym foot in the door somehow...before i go completly broke and have to resort to something illegal. i have been on reality tv casting sites, but most of them you have to pay first. which is NOT an option lol. i will keep trying tho. please pray for little bretony and help me anyway you can. if you have a famouse relative, tell em about my blog!! tell em about my videos! tell them to watch and read, and maybe they will understand...maybe they will help (maybe they will donate! hint hint!!)

but alright everyone....im still here. talk to me!
(cuz if you dont i will have to sit here with my friends family...who yes...is over here right now....again)

2009-01-02T00:54:00.003-05:00

hey everyone. long time no write...

Yes yes i know...i havent written in a long time, nail me to a cross. i have things to do, what can i say.

oh who am i kidding! i aint got ISH to do. Here is the newsflash everyone, i am officially back at sqaure one. let me explain i guess. i quit my job. (i know right!!) but yes i really did quit it because i just couldnt stand it! agh!! so now i have no job. secondly, i lost my apartment. AHHH! i know right? its because i....well i just didnt pay the rent to tell you the truth. i needed to save my money. i now live literally 2 blocks away with my best friend and her sister. its pretty ok, rent here is only 100 dollars a month for us so thats pretty kewl. its a pretty nice place here too, great view...

the only thing is....her family is over here alot and it makes me feel totally out of place. but i can look past that. another thing people, i am like really having major relationship problems right now. its gotten really bad. my ex....tisk tisk tisk. what is there to say about him. he has wanted me back ever since we broke up like a year ago. and until like a couple weeks ago i havent been hearing a word of his pleas or begs. but like, idk, he has gotten all...ugh. he wrote this poem to me on facebook...very deep you should actually go read it if you know who it is...actually, i might go get it from facebook and copy and paste it here (p.s. im not on facebook anymore). the thing is tho, all the while he was still trying to get with me, i had a man! my best friend! i love him so much. he has done nothing wrong at all. i feel so bad that this is happening to him because he loves me too. but recently, new years eve. last night. i made a very rash decision. i told my current bf that i was leaving him for my ex. now those of you who "know me" know me, and know my ex...and know all the bull sh*t he put me through, you may think i am absolutly insane. i might be.

but the thing is, i called my ex to tell him last night what i had done, and this fool gon tell me all the bitches he cheated on me with! like just wild shit that i didnt even know! and he went in to DETAIL. horrible detail... he told me of girls he brought over...some while i was there! this one hoe i knew...i will give her an alias for identity purposes. "chiffany tubb" is her fat ass name, and yes she is on facebook . now i knew this hoe right, and my ex claimed she was over there to learn how to edit videos. BULL SHIT! he told me that when i was sleep in the other room, she sucked his happy snake and then they effed. and then when i went to work she came back over and they did it again!! he also told me that when his ex came back into town, he gave her some oral things and FILMED it! and they did it in my bed! THEEEEEN, he told me about his other ex that he drove to work, but before they went to work he brought her over my apartment to have SEX! drivin around in the fucking car that IIIII fucking bought??!! AAAANNNNND, this fat bitch he use to have sex with he said he effed HER in my bed and filmed THAT!

sigh, it was waaay more shit he told me too. my mouth hanging open the entire time. now all of this shit happend while we fucking went together. now you may ask yourself, was there anytime that we went together that he DIDNT cheat? how can i even look at that relationship as anything but false? it was all a fuckin lie! ALLLL of it. it was truly a horrid day. now im just stuck in a rut because my bf that i technically broke up with yesterday is never gonna want me back. and i couldnt go back to him even if i wanted to. he didnt even do anything wrong. i mean yea he was a little incensitive and didnt show me that he loved me all the time, but i mean...thats not even that major. my ex claims that all his cheating is in the past and that he is ready to be a "new man" for me. but at this point im like why? ya know? why do you even think you love me this much when literally ALL the time we were together yo grimey ass was cheatin?

im so a square one its not even funny. now i have to regroup. i dont even know what i need first. how do you rebuild from nothing? wheree do you start?

i'll tell you what i need. a new hairstyle. i think that is what im gonna do tomorrow. sonce i aint got no job or anything, sheesh.

but seriously yall, i need feedback for this. major feedback.

oh and btw, my ex has this little hoe he likes to kick it with these days, and he had the NERVE to ask my for my brother in laws number so he could call and get some kind of super weed for him and his mexican ass mistress to smoke. im sittin here like what the hell yo?! and her name is Karmelita Wingates (i gave this bitch an alias took, but you can find the hoe on facebook if you wanna she the donkey lookin slut).

ANYWHO, enough hate...2009 is all about love. its all about peace and mellow clouds and ponys and skittles with rainbows and pots of gold at the end gaurded by little leprechons eating lucky charms and singing old negro spirituals....huuuh...

idk you guys....tell me what ya think, tell me what ya got for christmas (like i care...cuz i aint get SH*T!), tell me your new years resolutions, tell me anything, i am a fair listener :)

that is it for right now, i will go back to doing nothing. probably will start doing these more tho...since i aint got nothing else to do. lol. man my life is sad.

bye bye!

2008-11-04T12:27:00.002-05:00

Go Vote!!!

yay! and i will be back later to tell you about stuff! aight peeps! mwah!

2008-10-09T10:32:00.002-04:00

WERK

mmkay peeps, so uhh...looks like this stupid job is really about to get the boot this time. im kickin it to da curb FA REAL!! they are starting to really get on my last ones...talkin bout they have to take all this money outta my check when FIRST of all, they dont pay me hardly enough to begin with, AND i been workin here for 2 years with NO raise, wtf?!!!

in light of that crazy nonsense, i figured i'd dedicate this blog to my stupid job and all the stupid stuff that annoys me about it. i hope you enjoy! :)

- i hate people who come in here to get their phones charged, yet every five minutes they ask to see their phone just too look at it and see if some one called... if you dont get outta here with that bull i will throw your stupid little ghetto phone in the TRASH...and not think twice.

- how do you not know your own phone number??! you dont call yourself is NOT a good excuse, you give that sh*t out dont you?!

- once you buy what you buyin, or pay your bill, GTFO! i got ish to do, i cant just be there lookin at you while you look thru yo purse and call yo 5 baby daddies!

-no i cant give you no discount, who the f*ck are you?!

- i really dont need to know all your personal background/history/information...just tell me what kind of PHONE you want, anything else, i dont give a damn

-control yo kids!!

- i understand that this customer service and all, but got damn! dont come in here wanting me to give yo a** cell phones 101... im only gonna help you with so much... im not bout to sit up here and teach you the history of cell phones and how they work when there are other customers in the store you inconsiderate piece of b.s....sheesh

- dont try to hit on me when there are other people in the store who ACTUALLY need help.

- if i tell you somethin, dont tell me im wrong! mutha f*cka i work here!

- i am not responsibile for your lil punk a** phones...if something happens to them, dont be gettin mad at me!

- when i open the register to give you your change, dont tell that you have the change, and THEN ask me to break a 20, and THEN give you 4 quarters for a dollar... i aint bout to be gettin confused over you. take that somewhere else boo, tha hell you think this is?

-(for my boss) dont call me at 3:45 talkin bout im gonna be an hour late when im supposed to be gettin off at 4! just because YOU aint got iah to do dont mean i dont

- spit it out! dont take all day tryna tell me somethin! you have that figured out BEFORE you get in here, k?

- fat people, PLEASE dont come in my store grubbin on a 5 piece chicken meal, wit hot sauce drippin from yo fat nasty fingers and crumbs all over your fat mouth tryna ask me questions. first of all, you look trife, so why dont you sit yo big a** down and eat like a normal person and stop tryna eat everywhere you go like a fat sloppy shamu, and second, a b*tch is hungry! i dont wanna see you eatin when i dont get off til 4! tha hell?!

- i am not bored. i do not need you in here talkin me to death about random nothing for hours on end...find someone else to stalk you lame.

- dont come in here on yo cell phone, and then when i say hello, tell ME to hold on. b*tch you came in HERE...if you wasnt done wit yo hoe a** conversation why even bother me?

- dont come in the store at 8:55 when we close at 9, and what all this extra special crazy stuff...no i cant switch your phone number, change you billing date, upgrade your phone and add you to a family plan, come back tomorrow for that b.s.....preferably when im not here...

- if you're paying someone else's bill, dont whip out your more expensive phone to get the number just to show me what kinda phone you got...does it even LOOK like i APPEAR to give a damn? well guess what, i really dont.

there are many more things im sure, but this was just a little rant lol, hope you all have a better job than i do. if you dont, tell me about it!!

peices!!

2008-10-07T10:35:00.002-04:00

Are You a Liar?

which is a dumb question right? everyone is a liar. and for those of you who like to think you arent, think again, because you probably are.
now what defines a liar you may ask? simple. some one who tells a lie. which im sure everyone has done before. nobody like liars tho. i mean hey, i dont. but the fact of the matter is, people lie. its like in our blood, its human nature. there are however differant levels of lying i belive...the one who just do it maliciously are the ones that people are so quick to label as the liars, when even simple liars or fibbers should be called out just the same, but nobody thinks about those now do they. it doesnt matter if you are telling the lie just to protect someones feelings, or probably more than likley, protect yourself, its all the same.

the bible says we shouldnt lie. but did the bible know how freakin hard it is not to lie?! sheesh! well....they DID say bare false witness...hmmm, maybe thats a differance. maybe there is a certain form of lying that is acceptable? maybe some lies are justified? i really dont know, but its all very confusing. i nkow that some of you reading this dont even wanna admit to yourself that you are filthy little liars, all of you! but i will be the first to say, that yes. yes i do lie! ok! so nail me to a cross... i really do try not to at any possible chance that i get, but ya know....lies are just so much easier than the truth to give, and recieve. and i can also admit, that sometimes i dont mind being lied to...there are somethings that i just dont want the truth about because it would hurt too much... does that sound weird? i know it may sound a little strange, but that is just how i feel...

i know the name of this blog is bretony speaks the truth lol, and that fact has remained true, i have never lied in this blog.... that may be due in part to the fact that i know certain people in my life dont read my blog... only those who have absolutly nothing to do with it. that is why i feel safe in revealing my truth to you all on here.

idk peeps, its all very confusing. sometimes i think i should just right all my wrongs and start telling everyone the truth. but then again, if i told the truth about EVERYTHING i've ever done...i would probably be in jail or something lol...no seriously, i would. like, seriously. but thats another story for another day :)
point is. i know that lying is wrong...but, ya know! i feel like some lying is necessary. i feel like some isnt. its up to us to decipher what is best. sigh. i know its not gonna be easy. to tell you the truth, its better just to not get your self into situations where you would feel you need to lie about anyway, because if thats the case, you know you're doing something wrong...and thats just....wrong.

welp! guess thats it fer now, holla at meh babies!

2008-10-06T14:28:00.003-04:00

buenos!!!

hey everybody. umm, i guess i cant exactly do this thing blog every SINGLE day, but eh, im just gonna do it whenever i get on the internet...so yea!

what i want to talk to you all about today...is pretty much nothing lol.

well actually it is a couple of things.

1.) if im gonna be writting in this dang blog (kinda) everyday, then yall mutha effs better read this ish! and comment too, because i read all the comments and respond to some lol...but seriously tho, i need to get some feedback up in here or else im gonna be too sad and depressed to write anymore :(

2.) im not gonna try to get all political on everyone, but i have to say a couple of things about this "election". what some mccain voters fail to realize is that, if and WHEN mccains old self dies, which is highly likely since he is like 90 years old and all, that crazy lookin ditz sarah palin is going to be RUNNING the COUNTRY!! like making all of the decisions.... do you all really think thats in americas best interest? shoot, steven colbert would be better off...atleast he can make us laugh. but i do have something to say about obama too... obama is just too much of a trend for me. it seems like even if people arent necesarily(sp) sure about voting for him, they just go along with the treand. i mean, this guy practically has his own clothing line, may as well have a record label, and he is endorsed by almost all of the major celebrites... why? because he's freakin hot, black, and swagged out. yes, obama is swagged out, so everyone loves him...he may as well cut an album...

3.) speaking of albums, im mad wheezy has another one out ._.

4.) i really need to move...like for real. im trying to hold out until i get some money together for myself, because everyone i try to get to move with me is just sooo not trying to uproot their life. but thats cool tho. im kinda actually thinking about just moving with the money that i do have...which is really nothing...and just seeing what happens. eh, all i know is, i am DEFINATLY not staying here past this year. but i think im have to atleast stay here until election time so i can get my vote on, nah mean!

5.) life is funny. very funny. (this is about to get real vauge, but just bare with me)

i really want something. but its too far away from me...its funny how the things we think are best for us can be so hard to obtain. its bold how we cant just have everything we want when we want it. its bold how we want certain things but other circumstance prevent us from having it. why cant life just be black and white? my life is 99% grey...and thats effed up. there are too many crazy decisions i should be making that i just....dont. if my life were a car, i would be on cruise control most of the time. i would probably be a drunk driver too. i havent had any major car accidents yet, just a few minor fender benders. but my greatest fear isnt injuring myself...its injuring someone else. i wouldnt be able to live with myself.

my life is pretty random, yes in deed. i guess i kinda like it like that tho. it usually works out in my favor, and usually what i want, i get. it might not be as soon as i want to have it, but trust me, if i want it bad enough...its mine :)

..and i think i like that factor of my life.

because the thing i want right now...im tellin you...lol, its really REALLY good :)
it makes me smile everytime i think about it... but i have to test it out first. but im pretty sure its everything i want...

and that is all folks! i will holler l8ter....

truff.com for dat azzz!!!

2008-10-04T10:30:00.002-04:00

EVERYDAY???

Ya know what? im really thinkin about doing this blog thing more often...its actually kinda fun sometimes. when i have time to do it that is. most of the time it might not really be about anything in particualr, but just to keep everyone up to date on what things are lookin like in my life. becuase i admit! my facebook messages are getting pretty backed up, as are the myspace, and dont even get me started on youtube. point is, i really REALLY dont have time to respond to every single person on all those things...especially when all they basically ask is "whats up" (which i hate by the way).

soooo, i will just direct everyone here to my blog! yay!

today peeps, i am at work ofcourse. i have to go somewhere after work to work as a hostess for this party thing a majig type situation which i really dont know what is...all i know is i dont have a ride there and i get off work at 4 and i have to be there at 3, BUT HEY! i go with the flow, so i know everything will werk out lol.

i've come to a realization too, i like to argue. i mean, i REALLY like to argue. i thrive off of arguments. i usually dont respond to people unless they are going against something i say... its like calling hancock an a**hole (yes i make a lot of movie referances, get over it!!). its just so hard for me not to say anything back because i feel like im always right...which i usually am...to myself atleast, which i think is all that matters right? yeap, thats all that matters!

i have alot of weird dreams. sometimes im not even in my own dreams, which are the weirdest dreams if you ask me. i usually try to write down the weirdest ones because thats just how effin interesting those muther effs are! i had one dream where i was hiding out in this room, i think from a robber or something, and there was this other guy hiding who was with me. we knew that the robber was about to come in the room so we formulated this makeshift plan to attack him: he was gonna be the bait and i was gonna be standing behind the door to hit him in the head and then the guy was gonna help me tie the robber up. so we were waiting for him to come in and all, and then he finally did, and the robber saw the guy laying there and so i hit him in the head and he stumbled a little and i called for the other gut to help me, but guess what?!
....this fool was sleep!!! i was like what the eff!
so anyway, i had to finish takin matters into my own hand and what not, and i just kept hitting the robber very hard, as hard as i could. then i started to bash his head into the wall and i saw blood comming out. but i didnt stop, i kept hitting it against the wall, then i heard and saw his skull cracking. then there was blood everywhere and he limped over lifelessly into a pile on the floor and i just remember standing there like wow, i just totally killed this dude.

see!! interesting! i have many more interesting dreams that i might share some other time, trust me, they are good.

umm, guess i'll go back to uhh...stupid work. which is stupid and dumb and retarded and remidial and all of the above synonyms and euphamisms for stupid...

sigh.

aight doe! holla!

2008-10-03T20:36:00.003-04:00

iMEDITATE

and just like the formatting of the title...i am trying to get centered (corny? yes. i know this)

i am at work, as i always am when i write my blogs...im not bout to be proofreadin this sh*t cuz yall know what the f*ck i mean...well most of the time you do. if you dont...ask me, i mean dang, is that so hard to do? ask somebody somethin?

for future referances, mostly to myself, its not good to write blogs at the moments when you feel the most emotional...because you dont know what you type. ish gets hectic!

i want some french fries. random i know, but i do.

you see people, im tired of writing these depressing a** blogs. im tired of trying to share my deep opinional thoughts about things that im feelin and people just judge the crap outta me. its whatever tho. i try to maintain.
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see! just lost my train of thought cuz some customers came in! smh

anywho... like i was saying

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dangit! just happened again. i swear one day imma just write about what happens in this store...

ANYWHO, im gonna try to write about more happy things and maybe ninjas wont be all up in MINES like they know whats goin on up in here when CLEARLY they dont...sheesh.

i aint really tryna make friends, but i darn sure aint tryna make enemies. i keep it real easy going. i dont come at people telling them about themselves. atleast not individually i dont, so i dont really expect other people to do that. but ya know, people are gonna be people. yes we are all differant, to a degree, but genrally i know how you people are, so i guess i cant really get mad at it. i just roll. i roll a lot. i wish i had a roll...with butter. popeyes has the best biscuts in the whole world. ahhh, happy place :)

i have been traveling alot. dont really know how cuz im stll broke then a mug. im going to miami area on the 10th to the 15th. i know im gonna have fun, even though im going by myself. yes by myself because my friends arent as care free as me and they have all these lame excuses like school, work, and being broke. i on the other hand could give two craps about my job. i hope they fire me. but yea, miam, woot woot. after that, hopefully i will be on to my final destination...

not like that! lol!

but the place i will be living...which is porbablt gonna be either new jersey, new york (praying!), or chicago (eww i know right?).

but whatever it will be, i know it will be good, and my life will be good, and everything will be gnarley (yes, im bringing gnarley back).

ok peeps! time for me to get off work and go home to no internet, no tv, and a couple bottles of some form of alcohol(im 21, so scru yew!)...ttyl!!

mwah!

p.s. janet jacksons concert was off the effin chain! i love janet!!!!!

2008-10-01T19:02:00.002-04:00

Bretony has a big head

With lots of things in it. I always have something to say, but the real question is, how do i word it so that people...simple people...which most people are, can understand. i really dont mean to offend anyone, i also dont want to come off as mean or rude, but people...people, people, people.
i really dont like most of you... and if you really take deep look at yourselves, you probably wouldnt like you either.

i just dont know you guys, some of you are cool some days, but the general human race is just so...ugh.

boys are one track minded and weird, girls are hookers and hoes who steal your man and gossip about you, everyone is for themselves and never about anyone else. this world is all effed up.

i was watching the history channel the other day, i love that channel, and they were talking about how the earth was formed and junk...all 7 billion years agoish. Back then, the earth went through a heck of a lot of changes. very very slow changes. they said tht it rained for millions of years, they said the all the continents use to be one big super continent, which name started with an R, i forgot tho...they said that near russia there were volcanoes erupting for millions of years...then i gues one day the earth finally calmed down and became half way decent so thet humans could actually live a life. it was all just very interesting. and i began to think about change (no barak obama). maybe some changes have to occur slowly for them to actually make a differance. all changes cant be fast and instant. rome wasnt built in a day! (lol at my vaugeness). i know this is all a bunch of random nothingness right now, but hey...our minds are random nothingness. especially mine.

over the weekend i saw eagle eye. the movie about the government? yes. i hate the government. ss everyone should. it is so freakin corrupt that i dont even...whatever (mean girls,lol...if you dont get it you're lame). that movie goes to show you that the government doesnt really give 2 craps about the american people, or any other people for that matter. its all about money and power. let me tell yall somethin...america is suppose to be in this huge "deficit" or something right? but i mean, what the heck...that money just didnt disapper! so where the heck is it? where did all this money go? 700 billion dollars? come on now people...that is like...way too much to just not be around anymore...

america is slow man i swear. SOMETHIN needs to change i suppose, but i dont think its gonna take affect anytime soon. its gonna one of those gradual, earth making changes that takes many years... blah

and see people, that is why i just live my life one day at a time, however it comes to me, thats how i live it. i see waay too many people everyday so stressed, so worried about the future that they forget about living thier life today. im freakin young...21 years old! i cant afford to be stressed. you get wrinkles like that :(

i know that my life may seem a bit radical and fickle to those on the outside looking in, but i like it for the most part. do i wish i had more money to spend? ofcourse! but do i wish i was a slave to "the man"? to be a slave to the governments form of paid education (college)? no! im am far better off being a hippie :)
i have a friend who works 2 jobs...on opposite sides of the universe. he never gets a chance to hang out anymore. i always tease him about being a slave. his argument is "so, atleast im gettin money"...but are you enjoying your life tho? not at all...

checks and balnces people...gotta have em.

sorry about saying i hate people earlier...i really actually do lol, maybe its cuz i work in customer service and i am easily annoyed, but thats neither here nore there... i lvoe you all sometimes. i just wish you wouldnt act so dumb and get on my nerves...

bretony's tip for the day: dont get on peoples nerves, dont act stupid, dont try to be a player, hoe or flusey, and people will like you waaay better.

if you dont know, ask somebody. and thats some truth for ya bichess!!!

(dang this was long :/ )

2008-08-28T12:47:00.000-04:00

Stupid Government...

first thing i wanna say is, if the government removes this, i will sue! you dirty muther fudges....

anywho, i just wanna say to the punk a** government that i KNOW you have cures for practically every disease! I KNOW that you have the cure for cancer, aids, the common cold, and many many other things that people in the world struggle with...

but why arent we receiving these said "cures"? i will tell you why people, because the government needs to keep the economy in a state of rich getting richer, and poor dying and getting poorer. if cures were just handed out all willy nilly, even if people paid for the cures...they are CURES people, CURES! countless doctors, surgeons, hospitals, would be out of jobs, out of money! once a problem is completely resolved there are no need for the solvers. so that is why my friends, we have so much sickness in the world... that is why, we need to educate ourselves and find the cures ourselves and spread the word! we need to stop this demonic machine known as "the government" before it destroys us all.

we need to speak out, we need to take a stand together and fight for what we want. obama? change? there is only so much "change" one man can implement... the government is still corrupt, and some punks!

and dont even get me started on war... war??? wtf!

what are these wars even about anyway? like seriously....

no, like seriously, i really dont know. there is no need for so much destruction, so much chaos, so much eye for and eye, "you hit me so i have to hit you back".

for the u.s. to be the most powerful nation in the country, the government sure is full of marks...

but hey, who am i, just a girl with a voice, an opinion...

i will not be silenced!

2008-08-26T13:55:00.002-04:00

Prejudice?? nah. Stereotypes?? true.

Hello everyone, tis your favoritest blogger ever in the whole wide world, Bretony! holler! been gone for a minute (now im back at the jump off (lol, lil kim joke)), but yeah, im back, so chill!

but seriously tho people, I always have a lot of things on my mind, so many ideas, so many thing i want to write, but you know something sucky? i dont have the internet at my house anymore. booo... i really dont know what it is, but maybe those bogus rich mofos across the street cut off their wifi internet sharing or something... but thats cool cus i dont need them anyway!
But now i guess i just have to write blogs when i can... oh yeah! and for everyone wondering about my videos, they will be some bretony footage sooner than you think! the good news is, i got a new camera, so yay, the thing is now i have to figure out an approach to get back into this video thing... im not sure wether i should pick up where i left off, make an update video, start a new season, just confusion all up and through, but when i figure it out, it'll be on and poppin sistas and bruthas!

But enough of all the tomfoolery, the topic of todays discussion may be a serious one for some. it is about prejudice, racism and stereotypes...

I will begin by explaining a couple of things that have been on my mind latley, racism is an on going topic that people of all races and nationalities just love to debate over. i can agree that racism still exists today within some people and i guess there is nothing that we can do about it to a certain degree. but the thing is, racism is different in everyones eyes. some people are so quick to call people out on being racist, and excuse me for being racist, its usually black people.

now before yall go all malcom x, hear me out. i got some black in me, obviously, and i guess when i or any other mixed race person starts out by identifying themselves as so, then it makes everything a little easier to listen to, which is i think b.s.

black people and mixed people can get away with more things than any other race can when talking about "their own", which is in a way, a little hypocritical to me. yet white people who even joke about anything that can be remotely racist, are full on klu klux klan members or sumthin, and like completely shunned from the black community for life. im sorry, but i just think thats a tad unfair. black people make hella racist comments towards white people, but its ALWAYS taken as just a joke, no matter what. dont get em wrong, there are still some white people in this world who think like the white people of slavery time, but for the most part, the world is getting more and more mixed. im not defending either side, but i do see that black people are becoming the more prevalent slanderers.

another thing, stereotypes. now there are many stereotypes in the world (and i actually kinda hate typing that word, so im just gonna abbreviate it as s.t.). there are s.t's for every race in fact, but there are some that people actually get mad at or take offense to as if....they're not true! i mean, 9 times out of 10, they are true! and it seems like, nobody really makes that much of a deal out of it except....black people.

nappy head. yes! most of you black people have nappy a** hair! i mean shoot, i do! im not about to get mad at someone for saying my hair is nappy when it is. i wouldnt consider that racist, i would consider it the truth. another s.t., black people tend to be waaay more confrontational. which is very annoying in fact. it seems like black people are always mad at the world. they are quick to get in arguments and start fights. i suppose that is in the nature of the people, but its true still, dont fight it. maybe white people are a little nicer, more approachable, more composed... and that may be due to the fact that they tend to have better jobs, and a better up bringing in general, but still tho, you cant deny the anger...

i dont know people, its just very frustrating sometimes. i understand the fact that racism still exists today. i understand that there are still inequalities and injustices amoung the races and directed toward the black community. i understand ok, but sheesh.

i mean, just sheeesh. does anybody else feel me on this? racism should not control your life, nor should it ruin it. if you dont like the s.t's, then change! change the ones you can! if you dont want to, if you still wanna be all defensive and quick to call everyone a racist, then i mean hey, thats what your gonna keep getting...

i suppose im done right now, i mean, i could go on, but i just wanna see what other people think about this...so yeah, lemme know peeps! black and white peeps...
(mostly white peeps, we hardly ever hear your side about this)

if ya dont know, ask...somebody...preferably me....

cuz i speak da trufffs!

holler!

2008-06-28T10:34:00.002-04:00

STORY TIME!!! YAY!!! (Rated PG-13)

once upon a time there was a girl named B, who thought she had a really tough decision to make, but then suddenly one day, it all became so clear to her. She awoke one night to find a person she was contemplating about giving a confession to her. a very deep confession. now (ha!) first of all, this contemplated person was supposedly in love with B. or so she thought. everyday since contemplate had moved to a far away land, her wrote B messages all the time exclaiming his love and admiration and asking B to run away with him to the far away land so they could live happily ever after. B however was not so sure about all of this. B just wanted to be treated right, and contemplate had treated her very bad in the past...and even had sex with an evil toad! (amoung many other things)...

however! B had a glimmer of hope, just a little bit. She decided to wait and see a while. a long time had pased before contemplate had returned to rescue his fair B. but this is where the horrid confession came in that made everything clear to B....

contemplate had stated simply, that he had sex with an asain toad named later! not one, but many times... and this asain toad had even lived with contemplate, and li li li li licked his lollipop every morning...this has always been a dream of contemplate's. i guess he finally got it.

but oh, contemplate thought that it wasnt that big of a deal, and that he only confessed it at the particular moment is because he wanted B to confess sexing a toad as well. But B had not done so.

contemplate said that he was going to tell B after she had made her decision to come to the far away land. how horrid! B knew then that her decision had been made clear for her. handed to her on a silver platter from God himself. B told contemplate that they could never ever be.

the moral of this story is, im moving to new jersey, and i hate asian toads.....and the word now.

good bye everyone!

2008-06-26T14:54:00.002-04:00

Bretony's Problem...(Bretony doesn't always speak the truth)

Yes people, Bretony is flawed just like the rest of you are, but see with me, i admit it...i can admit when something is not right...when i need to change something. however, acknowledgement (sp) is only the beginning...that is the easy part. The hard part is actually doing somthing about your problem. i am here today to admit one of my biggest and worst charecter flaws that only ends up destroying everything in my life, yet somehow makes others lives better (paradoxal, i know!)....

anywho....my name is Bretony McGee....and i am a people pleaser :(

tis true, tis true... i always find myself putting other peoples feelings ahead of my own. i would rather see someone else happy even if it made me sad. i love to help people in anyway i can. i may complain to myself, but never to them. another thing is.....sigh.....sometimes i dont tell the whole truth all the time to protect peoples feelings. i know i know! very bad! im supposed to be keepin it real up in here! i really do need some psychological help. thats why i was going to school for psychology....so i can psychologize myself all up and through!

but yeah yall...the reson im saying all of this now is becuase, i cant really focus on my life like i want to because im so busy thinking about other people's feelings and what not. the situation im in now, its like...huh...this guy right, he's an ex... in fact i talked about him a couple blogs ago, but anywho, he reeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllly wants to be with me right, and he wants me to move out of town with him and like have a family and all that crazy jive.... but see the thing is....my heart is not in it at all. i tried to break up with dude oh so many times. he just keep coming back dog! the last time i told him that we couldnt be together, he really went nuts and was on some real "i wanna die" stuff. i may have led him on a little after that...now he thinks theres hope yet and still. i mean, he's cool and everything...i did love him once upon a time. hes been makin all these crazy promises and junk....everything a girl wants to hear! but im still not 100%. so now the choice arizes... either make him a very happy man, and me a very skeptical/cynical woman, or me happy being me, finally free from him and him being a heaping pile of depression for who knows how long.

in my heart i know what i have to do. i just reeeeeaallly dont want to. eh. life will go on for us all no matter what. my advice to everyone is, be true to yourself most importantly. you are the main person that matters. everyone else will just have to deal with whatever you do. secondly tho, be real with people. be up front about things so that they wont escalate to a place that you definatly do not want them to be. because that my friends....is just....not good, not good at all. trust me.

anywho peeps, pray for me, as i will pray for you. keep it real. keep it pimpin. dont know, ask somebody, blah blah blah. dueces!!

p.s.

a girl who worked at my job, not really MY job, but i work in the mall and so did she, that i kinda sorta knew a little bit, died last week and i just found out. i mean, i didnt really KNOW her know her like that, but she said hi to me every day and she use to come in and talk to me, and she was like my age and all that stuff. i dont really know people who die tho, so its kinda still shocking to me. the guy who told me said she was shot. that is so messed up. r.i.p jazmine....

2008-06-16T09:11:00.002-04:00

INTERNET PERSONAS, WTF!

hello everyone. sigh.I get a tad pissed off from the internet sometimes. why you may ask? because some of the biothces on here have some really nasty a** internet personas, or introna's as i like to call them (lol, yes i make up words sometimes). ESPECIALLY in online forums on certain particular websites.

example... i was on a website last night i wont give the name or anything, but i posted a forum topic simply stating my opinion on a particular matter. I guess i offended a large group of people or somthing becuase like everyone in the entire thread was just coming at me so wrong and like taking personal cheap shots at me subliminally calling me ugly and saying that i couldnt dance and how in one of my pictures it look like i was performing fellatio....i was just so... i dont even know... but then i thought about it like...these mutha f*ckas wouldnt be comin at me like this at all if we were anywhere else outside the internet world. people feel safe on the internet in that way atleast. they can be whoever they want to be.... and pretty much, most people just wanna be rude, a** holes, and sleezey pervs. i mean like why do you people wanna be all fake on here? who are you really tryin to impress?? are you trying to be online popular because you cant be in real life? is your real life/ personality not good enough that you have to alter a whole new one for the internet?i mean come on people...

i try to be the same everywhere i am. including here on the internet. i am a free spirited girl who doesnt take too many thing too seriously. yes i get irritated by harmless things people do and say, but i do not make it my goal to be a smart a**, rude a** b word to people on here for saying what they have to say... i am very open minded to a lot of things and opinions, and i belive that others should be like that too... i also dont think that people should act all bossy as hell on the internet when you know good and well in real life you a** is scary as heck.

and to those who actually are like that in real life. smh @ you. get a better/new personality.

my point in saying all of this, the internet is a great place to make cool friends from all around the world. you could really learn and experience alot and there are many oppertunites to be had on here... dont go and ruin it by being all bitchy. just be cool! be cool... that is my best advice.and also, just be your friggin self. im sure you all are good enough people on the inside to just be nice. no harm can come from being curtious. i hope some people read this and understand what im saying and where im coming from....cuz its da trufe!and if you dont know, betta ask me bout it! holla

(comment posted about my "bretonylicious" video on youtube, which is totally harmless... but they compared it to badly executed stripper moves.....and thats not even what the thread was about! talk about a cheap shot! )

2008-05-20T10:59:00.003-04:00

are you happy??

Cuz Im not sure if I really am right now.... everyday is just routine. i wake up, go to work, barely work, be mad at people, then come home, try to clean up, get on the internet, maybe watch tv, and then go back to sleep and do it all over. This is NOT how i expected any part of my life to be you guys... but the sad part about it, is I know people out there who are doing the exact same thing, and they think there is nothing they can do.

Everybody has a dream, well hey, maybe some people dont, i dont know...but thats just really lame if you dont. Some people have more than one dream, but some only have one. and they figure to themselves, "if i could just do that one thing that i love doing for the rest of my life, i would be happy..." and that is very lovely to imagine! but the reality of things is, if everyone was doing what they loved, then there would be no one to do the things that NEED to be done. like run gas stations. and be a trash man. do you really think that those trash men love being trash men? come on now, what do you think? but if they were doing what their actual passion in life was, who would collect the garbage? so basically, the bottom line, point of my story thing is, everyone can not be happy.

sad but true! i know right! so then another questions arises...who is to determine who are the happy ones and who are the workers? we do people, we do. the position in life that i am in right now is 100% my fault. i can blame it on whoever i want to, but the fact of the matter is, it really is up to me what i do with my life, as well as what im CURRENTLY doing with it. but i dont know you guys, a lot of factors come in to play too...

i admit, that i am a person infatuated with looks, i wish i wasnt, but its a curse. i feel that there is strong correlation between a.) the way a person looks b.) how happy they are, and c.)how successful they are in life

there are exceptions to this correlation, but for the most part, I find it to be true. all the pretty b*tches are usually always keeping up with their looks and what not, always staying fabulous looking, because they are so pretty that people give them money. you NEVER would see a drop dead gorgeous person in a welfare offive sittin down somewhere tryin to fill out some paper work....people would look at her like she was crazy. its just flat out easier man! and you know its true! also, when people look better, they are treated better....fellas, lets say you worked at a clothing store...and a seemingly "ugly" girl walked in, but then right behind her, a pretty girl walked in. now who would you be more willing to help? come on now! and since the ugly girl knows that you're giving all of your attention to the pretty girl, ugly will be sad...then ugly girl will go home and reflect on her meaningless life... and so yes people, their cycle of depression continues...

another factor that also comes in to play for me is fear. fear of a lot of things really...mainly fear of if i will end up chosing the right thing to do at a particular moment. there is a great poem, i forgot who it was by, i think robert frost or something...its called 'the road not taken' (seriously, look it up and read it). its like the freakin story of my life man! it basically says that in life we have major choices we have to make, adn we can either go down one road or the other, but after we go down that one road, it is hard, if not impossible to return to the same point and go down the other road to see what you missed, you just have to make the best decision you can based on as far as you can see. there is some statistic out there that says people make an average of about....(well i forgot the ACTUAL number, but it was something alot)...desicions a day. now some of these desicions, most of them in fact, are not very important, and will not end up causing any dramatic remorse....but some of the decisions (how the crap do you spell that word?!), are far more important to the overall out come of out life. I just dont wanna make the wrong choices with my life because i know that once i make certain choices.....there is simply no turning back.

oh man you guys, i just wish i had a personaly psychic assistant who could look into the future and tell me everything i need to do and choose before had so that i can just know, ya know? i guess i have to be my own personal assistant psychic and just like, take bigger chances, and make firmer decisions ( really hate that word), and just try to look ahead as far as i can to see if the outcome will be in my best or worse intrest. i put things off for as long as i can until i absolutly am forced to decide....and thats because even then, im still not sure....

very confusing times people, very confusing...

anywho, that is all for B today, i have to write my other blog too...

check that ish out! i speak the truth in my other blog also:

http://www.bretonycelebrity.blogspot.com/

but yeah, guess thats it...choose wisley my peeps!

p.s. those ads at the top of the page look interesting...***hint hint!!***

2008-05-03T14:36:00.003-04:00

Oh Brother(s)...

Umm...yeah, like what the heck you guys. The topic I will be talkin about today is very serious to me, even though it may seem a little...fickle. How come boys dont EVER wanna be just friends???!!!!!

This question has plauged me ever since i started high school probably...maybe ven middle school...but ya know, its just like what the heck. Its extra hard these days tho...I really just. Its very hard.

Lets just say for now,in this post, hypothetically, maybe in real life, I have a boyfriend (I cant disclose all of the information right now). Since I have a boyfriend ya know, im expected to like be faithful and whatnot, as is he. And that is pretty understandable right? Should be! But hardly it is. I guess you could call me attractive or what not, and i REALLY dont mean to be tootin my own horn and all that, but it just seems like every boy i meet, and start trying to be friends with latley, they all just end up liking me and junk! Im like what the heck?! why cant i have any male friends with out turning them on?! I only have lets say about 2 or 3 male friends that i have been knowing for a while now that dont want me, and hey, maybe they secretly do! but they just havent said anything like that. I know im not everybody's type, im not even like one of the finest people i know, so i guess i just have like a totally a** kickin personality that people just fall in love with, and i cant help that. but now it just seems like i cant even open up my gaurd to boys now a days...like on the internet...people i meet in my store...people i just meet anywhere. they cant be trusted! no boy can be trusted! none of them want to be my friend, and if they say they do, they are probably lying...i really just dont know what to trust. i mean, i like having friends, but they just end up wanting to take it further, and i cant do that right now because im in a "relationship".

this is all just very weird stuff yall... its different for girls. girls are statistically less horny than guys, so every cute guy they meet, they arent just gonna be like, "what up pa, can i get yo number?....thats cool we can just be friends!"

im mean, some slutty hoeish girls are like that, but most of them are not. we can control ourselves. we like guys, but for the most part, we would rather have a friend. basically tho, im a very big skeptic of platonic relationships. i dont belive them for a minute. in some case however, you may find that one rare, non gay dude that really does just want to be your friend. but most likley ladies, its not gonna happen. its a tough world out there tho, and i just wanna say, be careful!

and if ya dont know....yall know what to do

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2008-04-25T18:34:00.000-04:00

BIPOLAR

Hello everyone, It's bretony, everyone's favorite weird girl. im back....for a while...after a loooong departal....from everything...yall just dont know. i can be a very private person at times, not wanting to share anything with anyone except like one or two people in my life. at other times, my life is an open book...of chocolates! but seriously tho. i have lots of drama. mainly in the fact that, there is no one in this world on my side except for myself. i use to wonder how people did it...live thier seemingly perfect little dumb lives. they are in college, they drive a nice car, always have nice clothes and still manage to have time and money to hang out with their friends and boyfriends and what not... its because they have help! and they've had help thier whole life...or maybe not their whole life, but a good portion of it. there is no way in the world they could be living life like that by themselves unless they slangin or hoein!
which is what i might have to start doing. just mosey on over to the dark side for a while, until iget myself back on my feet. i have been playing by the rules my whole life. or most of it at least...well, 75%, but still, a good portion. i just dont see any other plausible way short of a miracle for me to wake up in the morning and not be like, what the heck am i doing where am i going with my life, what does it all mean!!
what i think it is people? bretony is going through her quarter life crisis. as much as i dont wanna admit it, im turning 21 next month. and i have absolutley nothing to show for it at this point. im worse off than when i was 18 for cryin out loud! i go through so many struggles on a daily basis that its kinda not funny. ranging from a wide aray of things, form men, to looks, to personality, to career, to spirituality, just everything. so many emotions racing through my head at a time but none of them making sense. i dont know where to turn or who to confide in. all i have is me right now. just me. just bre. and i dont see a light at the end of my tunnel. i need a miracle, some help, or a change of mind via a psychologist. or i need a new game plan. and evil game plan....
but i will talk about that later. what i wanna talk about now is the disease that i think i have. bipolarity.
i think i am bipolar. there is one particular instance in which a recurring cyclical chain of events unfold at differnet times of the day or even the week. it is based on my apperance. it may seem like i like the way i look. YOU may even like the way i look. im not gonna lie, most people do like my general over all look. and sometimes, so do i. but its just like other times, sometimes maybe even the next day or next hour, i can look in the mirror at the same gurl and be like, ulgh! is that me? why do i look so horrible. i look terrible! i dont feel worthy of life!
and then its like other times, i look in the mirror and be like, damn! i am one bad b word! i look better than all the people i know! no wonder everyone is in love with me, and then i get the camera out and start snappin pictures uncontrolably. and its like this for me all the time! you dont even understand. its such a hard an confusing thing to grasp on to. its like i just dont get it. but i finally figured it out today that it is a result of my bi polarity...a chemical imbalance in my little body. sometimes i try really hard to perfect my flaws, i have so many. i try so hard that it make me sadder when nothing works. then other times, im like eff it. and i just accept it and try to move on. i waste a lot of time and unnessecary money on constantly trying to improve myself but nothing ever works. there are times when that is all i think about. and there are time when i dont think about it at all (those are the times when there is usually something else going on in my life).
and its not even about people telling me, "oh bret you know your beautiflu what are you talking about, your gorgeous, things will work out.."
i've heard it all before people. i hear it almost everyday, but it has little or no impact. its hard to show the real me. its hard to look people n the eye with confidence all the time, even if the "claim" to like what they see. most of you only see me with my best efforts. i cant even BEGIN to be comfortable in my most natural state...and that is hard.

sigh.
i dont know yall, i just dont know. you know how you look at some people and they just seem to have it all...like looks, talent smarts, friends, loved ones...
sigh.
when will it be my turn to bask in all the glories that life has to offer? when? like i really just wanna know the date so i can have something to look forward to. i just want to be straight for my b day. its may 26th. i hope people can love me for who i am.
such a hinderance. sorry for this being so long everyone...
SIGH*****

if you dont know, you better ask somebody, its the truth.

2008-03-02T17:47:00.002-05:00

ok you guys...

soooo...., i kinda sorta did, what i was kinda sorta gonna do. but not really tho. i know at this point you all may be a tad confused as to what is even going on with me right ow. my world is like totally spinning in a weridout of control type thing. that is why ladies and gentlemen, my skin is breakin out like its i am legend up in here (you know like that disease broke out? it was a joke! come on!)

anyways tho, i guess i gotta tell you all whats going on now, no more beating around that bush. I forgot what alias i used for my male best friend who i use too...ya know.. with, but i started talkin back to him recently after being banned from ever speaking to him again by my crazed, now ex, boyfriend. Also, my ex was still living with me. Now yeah, that seems a little weird, but i thought that me and him had a complete understanding that we were broken up, and that he was just still staying there until he moved out in about a month. That situation was cool with me. ofcourse tho still, he didnt like it when i talked to best friend, so we would often get into arguments over that. eventually tho, ex started really goin crazy. and when i mean REALLY goin crazy, i mean REEEAAALLLYYY goin CRAAAAAZY. ex would make threats to me about what he was gonna do if we and best friend didnt stop talking. he would follow me around the house when i would talk to best friend. even hacked my dang email account to everything i sent best friend forwarded to him! just psycho stuff.

have any of you ever seen that movie misery? the situation was kinda like that...ex being annie wilks of course, and me being paul. the more i think about it, i actually really is exactly like that movie! ex trapped me, kept saying that realtionship wasnt over after all, and that he would never leave the apartment, and that i would just have to stop talkin to best friend or he was gonna make us stop talking. at times, he was even plesesntly cordial about the whole thing, just like annie. me on the other hand, being completly helpless and trying to take matters into my own hands in my own certain way. but we all know how misery ended right?i a a woman of peace. or atleast i try to be. i dont wanna bring violence all up in my house! i dont wanna involve all these extra unnessecary people into this that dont really have to be. i really would like for no one to get hurt. but as each day progresses, it seems more and more of a slim possibility. its looking like there will be casualties. hopefully not that many. and hopefully not me.

the flip side to the story tho, is that with every increasisngly crazy thing ex did, i grew more and more closer to best friend. i was calling him all the time, always thinking about him. more than i had ever had before. these new found feelings that i had for best friend were over taking me. everytime ex would threaten our friendship, i would get more and more defensive. i couldnt let me and best fridn end like that, not again. i was doing anything i could to keep us together. i know he didnt deserve to be involved in my drama of a horrible break up, but he was. i felt the need to protect him from it. to protect US from it. i ihad to see him. so i did. me and best friend. i sat there looking into his eyes and didnt know what kind of mistakes i had made over the past two years, but i wanted to fix them all just to be with him. before i went back home that night, we shared what may seem to anyone else just a regular kiss. it had been so long....but for me, it was much more. i stil think about it all the time. try to recreate the perfection in my head. i want it again. i want it everyday for the rest of my life. but now is the part that really hurts. best friend and i could never be because of ex. crazy ex. i was still living with him. still arguing. still mad all the time when i was in my own home. his ultimatum? stop talkin to best friend immediatly or else. ex became very persistant, sending me over 100 test messages in one day expalining how we would work out as a couple if i only stopped talkin to best friend. how he was sorry for everything wrong he did to drive me away. how he would fix everything. wtf?! i didnt wanna fix anything with him! for some reason, he just does not want to let me go! i know im all that and a bag of chips, but dang man. just dang. i couldnt take it anymore, i sent best friend a message, i told him that i loved him too much to just be his friend, and that the pain was too much to just be that. maybe we shouldnt talk anymore. it is true that if you love something you must let it go. even tho i had absolutly no intention to get back with ex, i also had no intentions of continually hurting best friend, and me for that matter. i thought that message would alleviate some of the stress that i had in my mind about me talking to best friend as if i could only be friends with him. that is just waay to hard to pretend that you dont love someone for so long, also not knowing how they even feel about you, but not wanting to risk it. so just eff it is what i thought. i will just be by myself, just me. just alone.

i left ex in the house all alone with his crazy thoughts, all by his self. i told him that i could not be in the same house with him anymore. he however still wanted to talk, to work things out. i didnt.

best friend called me that night to talk about the message i had sent, and what it meant for me and him. he was a little upest. i didnt quite know why. he wanted me to explain why it was that we could not talk. i tried to explain to the best of my ability with out completly breaking down. he asked me if i knew how he felt about me. i didnt. i had to go. befre we got off of the phone tho, best friend told e somthing that i will never forget. he said that he did...L word me too....

what was i to think about that?! what was i to do??!!! at that moment, i realized that he is the one that i wanna be with. him and only him. but due to the circumstance, i couldnt....

i didnt talk to him today. however, i did talk to ex. he wants to know when im coming home so we can talk about "working things out". he sent me another 50 billion messages... i eventually responded, why do you even still want me?

...[he said] because i love you.