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Sunday, November 10, 2013

the complexity of life...


Is probably not what I was originally gonna blog about until about 2 minutes ago.  My original topic was gonna be motivation for laziness... then about 15 minutes later, I was gonna do a breakdown of my daily routine.... about 5 minutes ago, I was gonna talk about the Jackson family and how I didn't know they had an older sister (did yall know that???). In doing my research on that, I ended up watching a bunch of Paris Jackson videos on youtube (she's pretty darn gorgeous, I love blue eyes!). Thinking about Paris Jackson and what her life must be like for a few more minutes (is this timeline even adding up?)...This in turn led me to watch one quick Rihanna interview with Oprah, which then turned into a Beyonce interview with Oprah. Freakin youtube with these suggested videos on the right hand side, don't you just hate em!??

The last video I watched was an interview with Beyonce's first boyfriend and how he cheated on her, haha. It was pretty funny actually, but I suppose I saw his point about feeling inadequate after a certain point in her career. So now I am here at this blog, and I... sorta... don't know where it is quite headed anymore! Isn't the complexity of life so crazy? So mysterious?  Or is it just my mind that is so unfocused on one particular subject at a time?  Is this why I can never get anything accomplished?  Do I need an Adder-al prescription??  I've said this to a few friends before, but at any particular moment, actually most moments, I'm constantly, and I actually mean simultaneously, thinking about atleast 7 different things at ONE time.  How this is possible, I'm not throughly sure, but I do know that it is absolutely accurate.  When I spend time alone with myself (in my very own 1 bedroom apartment!), I bounce around from activity to activity, hardly ever completing anything. Do I get bored that easily?  Am I just trying to do too much at once?  In order to have any sort of structure in this overly complicated life of mine, I'm going to have to do some analyzations.

Realizations.

Hmmm. Being alone perhaps, being locked in a confined space, forced to face yourself head on, is probably one of the best things to do.  Everything I've ever wanted has come to me. What is it that I want next? What the hell is it?? It scares me just a tad, because I know as soon as it visualizes in my mind, I will have it.  I must prepare. Be prepared!! (Scar - The Lion King)

Anywho, I went back to work last weekend, I actually like going to work.  Just hate that I have to be there at a certain time.  Why can't I just go when I feel like it? I'm only working 2 days a week average, because I don't wanted to get
roped into corporate submission.  I want the least amount of  responsibility I can have.  Just come, have fun, let things run smoothly, get my mediocre check, and work on what I'm ACTUALLY gonna be doing with the rest of my life.  Always climb upward, never climb backward... if that's even possible, wait huh? Idk, I'm confusing myself slightly, so here's a picture of the beautiful Mercedes! I'm baby kitty sitting for my friend while she is in Cali.  What an absolutely adorable creature :)

More blogs to come soon. Hopefully blogs of substance, I know right? Peaceeee

P.s. Who the Frosted Flakes cheats on Beyonce tho??? There is zero hope for humanity...

p.p.s Actually, I think Jay cheats all the dang time, but he's Jay!

Monday, October 28, 2013

Free at last!!

Free at last... thank GOD almighty, I'm free at last!

Meaning, I finally have my very own apartment in New York Freakin City biotch! I'm officially a Brooklyn resident, and I must say you all, wow, just wow, what a long and intense journey to get to this point.  I have been in a complete catatonic limbo sort of state since I got basically kicked out of my apartment in April. I've been floating the heck around! My stuff all in storage, me here and there, but really nowhere.  My mind, lost. My sanity in and out.  This past month of October has been the worst of all. October 1st I flew back from my lovely trip to California because I THOUGHT I'd be signing a lease to the 2 bedroom me and my friend were applying for. Everything was looking fairly decent, despite the fact that my credit is lower than the standards of single women in their 30s, and on paper I'm actually pretty broke... but ya know, my personality was supposed to win over the landlord! Fail!  We ended up not getting approved, which left me with absolutely nowhere to stay.  I had a storage unit which I went to whenever I could to get new things to wear, take a break from the world, try to catch a few z's, cry, ya know, whatever I needed to do.  When I wasn't there, I was out roaming the streets of NYC trying to indirectly ask friends, friends of friends, enemies, strangers I met that I got good vibes from,  if I could stay with them for the night, just so I could have a safe place to sleep.  I can honestly say that I probably slept in a different place every single night of the month. Anywhere from NYC to Jersey, even DC! Along the way I wrote a detailed account of each day in my journal.  Pretty interesting stuff looking back on it! Oh so stressful at times, but as I said in a previous blog post, what is art without suffering? I got some great material out of it!

Through all of the rain, came the sunshine tho! I'm not quite sure how I managed to pull it off, but here I am... sitting in the bedroom of my own apartment.  Which is almost unheard of in NYC even for people who DO have it all together! If you live here, you know that this is defiantly the city of roommates.  I blog about this time and time again, but I can't stress it enough...if you want something, really REALLY want something, it WILL come to you.  It's all in the power of your mind.  The most powerful thing that we have yet to fully understand.  Unlocking even the smallest part of your brain can lead to simply magical results.  Trust me! It works for me every. single. time! No matter how impossible something may seem.  I try to live my life in such a way that I can be a living example to others who would like to achieve the same things.  That's why when I write, I try to be as natural, real, and honest in everything I say, not to be allusive, and to not hold back.  Laying out all of my transgressions and grief is hard sometimes, and reading back on somethings, I feel like a pathetic hussy! But, when the good things come from it like this, it gives everyone else hope in a way. Or atleast I'd like to think so!

Now that I FINALLY have all of my things in one beautifully large and gorgeous space, I can finally focus on other goals... like taking over the world!! (otherwise known as making more videos for everyone!) And I'm going to start with a music video tour of my place, so stay tuned. I hope everyone out there is living your best life ever! Please give me feedback, as is always much appreciated.  I will be sure to keep you updated and inspired!

Peace in the middle east... and worldwide :)


Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Living in NYC, we are always searching for 3 things: (as via Carrie from Sex and the City) The perfect career, the perfect relationship, or the perfect apartment...

Guess which one I'm searching for currently. All friggin 3!

Nah I'm kidding, just an apartment actually :)

But seriously tho, It's like finding a needle in a needle stack! And when you finally do find that one glorious apartment you've been searching for all along, that's just the beginning! These days when you find an apartment, it's like nobody trusts you worth a dam.  It's like applying for college! They want to know everything about your present, past, future... all with clearly photocopied proof.  They want letters, references, bank statements, deposits, SECURITY deposits, proof of 40x the rent, guarantors, arm, leg, first born child... My word! I just want a place to sleep at night! The world is so full of stupid technicalities now that I wonder if anybody really knows what's going on anymore. There is a quote I heard while watching one of my favorite nerdy shows (Bones), and you know how I just love quotes, so here it goes: "Trying to make the system secure, we make it more complex, but the more complex we make it, the more insecure we actually are."

In doing their very best to keep all of the supposed "riff-raff" out of their buildings, landlords make us basically jump through fire hoops before we can even think about signing a lease.  But what kind of system is that if it's for something that we all NEED in life? A place to live! Does all of that paperwork REALLY mean that one person is more likely to pay the rent than another? Anything could happen! People are completely unpredictable, no matter how hard we may try to specifically and meticulously calculate their every waking move.  Also, in times of desperation, people can and do resort to desperate measures. Forging of documentation, stealing, lying, threatening, can all be used to forgo some of the obstacles that block us from our goal. Nooooot saying that lil ole' ME has done any of this.... but some people, ya know?

I just think that the world has way to many supposed "security measures" that it takes to "ween" out the less desirable portion of humanity from attaining anything decent in life. Why can't we all just go back to the barter system and just trade things for things?  Why can't we just take what we need when we need it and give to others who need it more? (which actually reminds me a bit of communism, but let's not get all political)

When I've finally achieved my final calling, and have become the Princes of the island Breoria, there will be LOTS of differences in the way things are run, just you wait!

**Allllll that being said, I think I may have found the perfect little apartment yall! It is in Brooklyn, which I was a bit on the fence about, but the place is absolutely positively freaking utterly gorgeous! It's right across the street from a park, exposed brick, all new appliances, high ceilings... ahhhhh. It's just great. I put down a deposit and emailed all of my (totally unaltered) documentation this weekend. So as I sit here typing while crossing my fingers (which is a skill, but totally possible), let's all hold hands and pray that I get approved! This will be my first legit lease ever signing. Something to call my own! Hopefully it will all work out :)

As far as the other 2 things New Yorkers are always searching for.... till the next blog post!

** p.s. I'm in California right now again! (Gosh I come to this place like 3 times a year now) I love how beautiful this state is. I'm finally gonna venture to northern Cali this time around too, so stay tuned for pictures and video.

*** p.p.s Also stay tuned for the critically acclaimed Gettin' By to return to a silver computer screen near you! As soon as I get my film studio/ apartment all figured out. It will be amazing trust me.

Peace in the middle east!

Monday, September 02, 2013

What is art without suffering?



What makes people decide to create?  What inspires them? Motivates them?  I suppose a number of things can attribute to the creative process. But what separates the good art from the GREAT art?  The timeless art? The art that stays with you in your soul forever.  Artists are inspired by a number of things, true. Love, hate, passion, happiness, sadness... all sorts of things.  But is it really true that great art doesn't come with out some sort of suffering?
I've heard once before that one cannot truly know what pleasure is unless they feel pain. Are the two really as connected as such? I believe so. Without feeling hate, it is almost impossible to know love. And vice versa actually.  Thinking about all of the great artists of our time, for example Picasso, never truly thrived in his own respective artistic category until he went through a sufferable period in his life.  When his friend committed suicide, that's when the whole "blue period" of his art began... The pain and sadness inside him provoked something so raw, so uninhibited, that all of his inside emotions began to spill out onto the canvas.  When we let down all our guards and fears, and just... feel. Feel free to feel. Feel free to express our feelings without criticisms.  From ourselves OR others. Then we create something beautifully pure from our hearts that others recognize as pure as well.
Even musically.  How can one create such deeply passionate songs about love, and love lost without going through something like that which makes you realize that everything in this world isn't within your emotional control?

Of course there are some forms of art which are light and fun... and cute, and upbeat, and blah blah blah. But the pain from within always shines through beautifully. Misery always loves company. lol, sad but oh so true! We all can relate... even if we can't... to the struggles of others.

I believe that the art which comes from suffering is the most beautiful.  The most dangerous.  The most uninhibited. This is why sometimes I don't really mind going through adversity in my life.  If I didn't, what would I even have to talk about?? Where the hell would I get my material from?  Nowhere that's where!

Idk guys, what do you think about this subject?

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Beach life realizations

Hello again everyone! Hope everyone is living there best life ever. Exactly how you all should be! As you all know I do try to improve myself everyday.  Recently I discovered something about myself that I don't quite like all too well.  I've realized that I'm sort of a bitch! As much as I try to deny it, I sort of am.  And that's never a good thing to be.  So I'm going to try to be atleast less of one, if not, not one at all! It's hard sometimes because a lot of things annoy me about people, and I do an absolutely terrible job of hiding my emotions. Mainly, my negative emotions. ( I do a pretty darn good job at hiding my goos emotions)

I would love to start being nicer to people, and in turn, people may in turn be nicer to me and eventually stop annoying the living daylights outta me. Everything has to start somewhere, so the best thing to do is start immediately when you have an idea in your head. Don't put it off until the next day.  That's the main mistake that one can make.

I have hence started being nicer to people exactly today.  I even, get this, reached out to my younger sister today! Texted her just to... talk! Something I've never really done. EVER! I also inadvertently discovered, well, atleast I think I've discovered, that she's dating this guy I use to semi date waaaaay back in the day. Which is a little bit hilarious if you DO ask me.  Maybe I will ask her about it later, but ya know... baby steps! We've never really had a friendly relationship between the two of us.  It's terrible really because a sister is supposed to be someone you can talk to no matter what.  She's supposed to be your first friend, when actually she was my first enemy. Terrible I know. Anywho, no time like the present to start rebuilding things in your life.  I need a better relationship with my family hands down.  How the hell do I think I'm supposed to get along with anyone else in this world if I can't get along with my own flesh and blood? If I can't get along with...Me? It all begins with falling in love with myself.  Falling head over hills (or heels? idk)... in love! Then all other love should come just that much easier.

Start today everyone. Start today!

Island life is almost over.  The relationships I've built with the people who have stayed here with me are all very interesting to say the least.  It will be even more interesting to see where we will all end up after this summer....

Thursday, August 01, 2013

Wow you guys totally suck! Nobody reminded me to do a blog in so dang long!

Well actually, internet access has been a rare commodity these past few months. Oh where do I begin...


My life is so freaking random I swur!  I am now living on an island. Still in New York, but like 2 and a half hours from NYC.

I had to move out of my oh so beautiful apartment in Washington Heights, and I will begin to tell you the very short and sweet story exactly right now:

So living there, I originally had roommates. One moved out, sublet her apartment. That person moved out as well, sublet again. A second roommate moved out and sublet her room, HOWEVER, her parents were the ones whose names (grammar?) were on the lease. Following so far? The last roommate who was not me, also sublet her apartment.  When time came around to renew the lease, roommate number 2's parents, whose names (stupid grammar) were on the lease decided that since their daughter was no longer living there, they didn't want to resign the lease. In turn, making the 4 current occupants of the apartment vacate IMMEDGIATELY!  Not the fairest of situations if you ask lil ole me. But nobody really asked lil ole me! I had to put all my crap in a storage unit and basically just float around for a month in apartment limbo. Trying to rent an apartment in NYC is like basically searching for a golden needle in an expensive ass haystack of overpriced brokers.  

I found an opportunity very extremely randomly thru the place where I worked (the hotel).  They had a remote location hotel on this random island way out east Long Island.  Housing provided, and on an island! And i'd kinda already have a job, so I said sign me on up! So this is where I am now, on this very remote island that you have to take a boat to get to haha. NO, but seriously -___-. I mean, it's kinda of cool tho don't get me wrong.  My hostess stand is right by the freaking beach.  I literally take my breaks there, ya know. The island is pretty small.  Not many people.  Not many options. For anything. If ya know what I mean! Do you know what I mean??  I'm not that much of a people person, so there is a limited selection of people that I must learn to co-exist with.  Most are pretty cool, can't lie.  But I don't have a best friend out here to turn to.  I need to probably atleast have a best friend.  Because since I don't the only person I have to turn to is… me. Me, my writing, my videos, my music, my art.  Which I try to make time for whenever I can.  Whenever I am able.

NO internet where I live, and also my phone number I was using just got turned off. Magical. I'm going to be living out here for one more month, and then it's back to my beautiful lover NYC.  I'm going to get the best apartment EVER! And another goal of mine is to not have another job...ever again! I freakin hate jobs! Not to sure what I will be doing to survive? But I will figure all of that out a little bit later.  I just feel like when I have an apartment, all will be right with the world. Which I'm sure it will :)

I will probably make another post about my life on the island the next time I have internet access. So stayed tuned for that!

P.s. I said I wanted to live on an island anyway.... gosh I always get what I ask for!