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Monday, July 18, 2011

FINDING YOURSELF (and all that cliche' b.s.)

So, I've realized something about myself. I'm always loosing myself!

I know that everything can't always be about me in life, but DAMMIT, I feel like it's hardly ever about me anymore! This always happens when I let people into my life. They end up becoming the number one priority. But where am I in all of this? I often forget what it is I've come here to do. It's so easy to get distracted by the things in life that may seem fun or better than what your actual reality may consist of: Partying every night, drugs, money, love... all cloud reality of what you really need to be doing in your life if you want to succeed. Its tough to turn down what everybody is offering, what everybody else is doing. Its hard to be different. And I mean TRULY different...not fake different (which is what everybody THINKS they are, but in actuality, its all really just the same).

I care way too much sometimes. Im not enough of a bitch. I'm really not assertive enough, and I'm FAAAR to indecisive when it comes to certain things. I really need to change that if I think I'm going to make it far in this world.

There are way too many factors of life that we have to think about all the time... sometimes it gets too much! Like, what are we supposed to think about the most? I guess thats where our passion and priorities come in to play. Idk you guys, sometimes I just get overwhelmed by everything. As I;m sure everyone does at times. Life is weird.

In other news, I got a tan! I go to the beach and the pool a lot. I love the water, even though I can't really swim at all. Water is just relaxing, and engulfing. And the beach... I just absolutely adore the beach. It's like my second home. I love the beautiful things in this world. the natural artwork of God that remains pure. It make you think.

I also quit one of my 2 jobs. I wanna quit this other one too actually. I'm just over working at this point. Most of my friends don't have jobs. I just want to be free from the shackles of the man once and for all! Is that so much to ask??!!

ok you guys, gotta go to sleep now... I lOVE it when you guys comment. It gives me lyfe!! I'm glad to know people are reading this, and I love the feedback :)

Monday, July 04, 2011


Inspiration/ Hateration (Holleration - in this Dancery)

Idk wtf Mary J. Blige was talking about, but this is a perfect title for this blog.

The memory of my mom is still VERY fresh in my memory. I had a dream about her last night. She was alive again somehow. Scientists like took her body and made it move again, but it wasn't her inside. She was just a shell of herself, going through the motions. Whateve
r it was of her, I took it, and was happy that she was back. When I woke up...nothing. It's really strange.

I've been really trying to get on with my normal everyday life however. I quit one of my jobs (Forever 21). I was so over it! I'm glad I quit. Back to being broke though, but I don't really mind about all of that. Least of my problems really.

I'm watching this Beyonce' video on youtube about her and her new album and all that shizz... I love Beyonce' son! She's inspiring to me. Even though, my mind can't help but to wander when I think about how she started her career... everybody was helping her do everything! She was never poor, she had everything she wanted. Parents as her freakin managers. Beautiful AND talented. Like wtf??! And then I think, Bretony...you. are. a hater. Which is true sometimes!! And it kills me, because I really don't wanna be. I'm always comparing myself to other people and other things they are doing. I hate seeing beautiful women sometimes because I get soooooo freakin envious of them. I want to look like them, and then I get mad because I don't. Same goes for talented people who are famous. I get mad. I want that. Why don't I have that. I know that nobody really wants to admit being envious (I can
't spell jelouse), but I'm just trying to say how I really, honestly, truthfully feel.

Bottom line is, the hater in me, is also what inspires me. I know that I can do better than all of these people, and I will do just that. Let that be your passion and motivation. Take all of the bad thoughts you are feeling, and turn them into what will drive you to do better. I'm going to work and work, until these ideas in my head are realities. I'm going to keep checkin my email everyday because I know that one day, it won't just be filled with twitter and facebook notification updates, but there will be that one email from that one important person, that will completely change the mundane course of my l
ife. I just have to keep at it. Never give in to the people who says your dreams are dumb. All of the most famous people say you need to dream big. I sometimes don't even like to call it "dreaming", because dreams aren't real at all. What I have in my head is bigger than dreams... they are pre-realities. (I might have to work on calling it something else before I tell too many other people that though :/). If anybody knows me really, you should know that I have my sights set pretty high, and I don't really plan on lowering them. Even though things in my life get frustrating as all fuck... like my mom randomly dying... like my kitty chewing through my brand new macbook charger -______-

I have to endure. It will be worth it :)

p.s. a GREAT article on what i've discussed in this blog. How to stop being envoius... http://briankim.net/blog/2006/10/how-to-stop-being-envious-of-others/

p.p.s. I don't remember taking this picture, buuuut. cute? (me and sisters)