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Monday, June 20, 2011

Why....


Well you guys, if you read my blog alot, you might remember a post where I talked about my life and the cycle of good and bad things that happen to me one week after the other practically. So, you know how I was all happy and whatever about buying my mac? The world doesn't like Bretony to be happy for too long I suppose....

This father's day morning, my mother died of a blood clot in her lungs. She was in perfect health just a week ago, then bam, this goes and happens.

When my dad and sister called to tell me, I immediately thought...is this April the 1st? Why would they joke about this? This isn't real, I'm just gonna hang up the phone and go back to sleep now. But.... 20 something hours later...I still haven't been back to sleep, so I guess this is reality. This has been such a weird day. I don't really know how to act or feel. To tell you the truth, I've thought about when this day would come, and how I would react. You never really know until it happens. So confused. So many questions. I just don't know much of anything right now. I can't go to sleep, but I have a flight to catch in a few hours back to Detroit. I really didn't wanna go back like THIS tho, under THESE fucking circumstances. Like what the fuck? She wasn't even old. She wasn't even sick. This came completely out of left fucking field. And it's fucked up. I don't know what my family is gonna do anymore. I hadn't even seen my mom since LAST Thanksgiving. Stupid being broke.

My very good friend Alexis heard the news and IMMEDIATELY got on the bus and came over to be with me. THAT is a fucking friend. I didn't really even know what to say, but I cried on her shoulder and told her what I could manage to get out. We spent the day just thinking about life and all the changes that would come. We walked to the park with my other very good friend Milly, and just sat by the Hudson river looking out over the water and talking. I love those two.

SO this is my life now... my life after death. It will take some getting use to. Some more crying i'm sure. Even tho I hate crying.

P.s. I was looking at the birthday card my mom gave me last month. There's a picture of a girl sitting at a desk, and she drew on the desk "Bretony's movie studio New York". I thought it was really cute. I believe now more that ever in my destiny. I have to do it for my mommy.

p.p.s I am not packing a black dress.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

HEY YAWL!

:)

what's been going on with everyone? I want to hear from YOU sometimes ya know? Anywho, I have a new birthday, and that day is TODAY! Today, I finally bought myself a macbook pro! I know right??!! the bomb! I have been wanting one for idk how freakin long. Every thing I've been trying to do to get one, and I've finally freakin got one. And its sooooo sweet! I cant wait to jump into some editing on this baby. I named her candy, and I love her so.

This is just another example of me getting everything I set my mind to. It's like, if I see something as real in my head, without doubts of "what if i don't, what if i can't...blah blah blah", then it comes true eventually! I think thats one of the best parts about my life. Now if I could only focus and do that for this next thing in life that I want. But its hard tho, because I DO doubt sometimes. I really really really try not to you guys, but it. is. HARD! (that's what he said..but anyway)

I feel like I've been going through a quarter life crisis for the majority of this year, and I do not like it! Must snap out of the swagless trance. I will tell you one thing tho...

So, like a month ago, I got signed to this agency non-exclusivly, so I thought that was a pretty good step forward. But low and behold, the devil IS a lie... a few weeks ago, they sent me an email saying that couldn't use my look. -_________-

Now...

First of all, I tried to shake it off and just be like SO/WHATEVER and whatnot, but I am an extremely sensitive person on the inside, and things hurt my feelings! They cut me deep! I felt so old, so fat, so short... so ugly! So unwanted. I believe I need to retire. I really should, but idk. Something inside of me keeps wanting to peruse for some strange dumb stupid reason. I really do not know you guys. I'm just being mad dumb right now I think.

But the focus for right now is my next goal! What will it be? Whatever it is, i know it WILL become a reality, so I have to think long, and hard (insert inappropriate joke #2 here). I have to totally immerse myself in the reality of this goal. I have to think, live, breathe, eat and sleep as if it is already a reality. That is the key...
Aight everybody! hope I inspired sumthin in ya!! Yall come back nah, ya hear?!