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Monday, December 26, 2011

(ooh la la!)

I barely EVER talk about my relationship life, because well.... I really try to keep it Jay z and Beyonce up in here.  I feel like if everyone know all my problems/ or good times, what good is that really gonna help anything.  And besides, Idk if I've ever felt so compelled by someone i've dated to talk about them in a blog : / (step it up people!!)

Sometimes I question if i've ever even been in love. I mean sure, I say it , but do I really know what it means? Like really? Do I know the distinguishment between love and just lust?  or that new feeling of seeing someone new? I feel like I'm just so picky, and needy of attention in relationships, that no one has ever really came close to exactly what I'm looking's always something!

I wonder if i'll ever get married.  Because I really want a little girl (twins really), but I would NEVER think of raising a kid on my own (just not for me!).  But being with one person who isn't EVERYTHING to me... for the rest of my life? nahhh, too weird of a thought.  And I would never get a divorce. Atleast I'd never want to.  I feel like that's such a quitter thing to do. (Unless he's like beating me, but then I'd feel VERY justified in murdering him... so that's technically not a divorce right?).

I've just never been completely happy in any relationship i've ever been in.  I'm not really even sure what I really want anymore.  But i'll tell you what I think I want!

1. Someone who DOESN'T cheat, or give me any idea that they are cheating... like wtf yo!

2. Someone who thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in the world (I know I'm not, but I would like to BELIEVE that I am to them)

3. Someone who pays attention to me. I am an attention whore and I know it dammit!

4. Someone who supports me, my dreams, my beliefs, my morals, etc.

5. Someone who laughs at all my jokes. (very important. must laugh at them all. seriously.)

6. Someone who isn't territorial, TOO jealous (it's ok to be a tad jealous), clean, and fair... and NOT hypocritical!!

7. Someone who want's to do something with their life and not just be a lazy bumbaclot!

8. Someone happy, yet argumentative. (i love to argue)

9. Someone easy on the eyes.

10. And someone smart, who will grow with me, and work with me, and not against... be for me and not opposing of things that I do. 

Is this so much to ask!?? It must be, because I haven't found it...
Sometimes I feel like I just need to be a pimp, and get what I get from who I get it from, siiiiiiiighhhhhh

Where do we go from here!?

Thursday, December 22, 2011


  I make them, you make them.  But why? Who are we really trying to fool? Others, or mainly ourselves?  

I have come to the realization (which I am ALWAYS doing these days huh??!), that I mainly make excuses for everything in trying to convince myself that I'm not as effed up of a person as I am.  I sleep alot because I'm tired, and I need my rest to keep looking as fresh as I can, so that in case someone sees me on the streets they can think of me as a model and host, and so my body can function better during the time that I am awake.... wtf is that bull ish excuse Bretony??? Come onnnn, you know some of that is kinda true, but goodness gracious.  I should just plain ole go to bed earlier, then I would have a more normal sleep schedule and not sleep so long.  Also, sleeping is actually addictive. The more you sleep, the more your body feels like you need sleep, so the more you will be sleeping. And nothing will ever get done!  That's just one example!

I'm sure we all have that one thing that we are telling ourselves is one way, when actually, there is another reality that we don't exactly want to admit.  As to...why we aren't where we should exactly be in our lives right now maybe? hmmm?? think about it!

"I can't get a good job because I can't go to college because I'm broke because I can't get a job! If I had a good job, I'd go to college and get a better job... blah blah blah"

That's bull crap (a.k.a an excuse).  There are plenty of differ ant ways to do things.  Just because you aren't doing it a certain way...the way you probably want to... the EASY way... doesn't mean there isn't another way to get it done.  All roads lead to Rome, and yadda yadda!  Point is, at the end of the day, there really is no excuse for anything! Just effing get it done, or that's on YOU and only YOU!

Just some motivational advice as I analyze my own flaws!

p.s.  Always remember... Precious was on the cover of magazines!! Kim Kardashian is in movies, And Arnold Swartzingere (sp) is the freakin governor of the biggest state in America!  (that always inspires my motivation)

peace in the middle east yall! 

Let me know what else you guys want me to talk about!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


  Bretony here...hey! What are yall up to? You never really tell me! Anywho, life is still life.  I'm still living.  I am still thinking to wits end about every aspect of everything that happens and/or doesn't/  But here I am to blog! Why not ya know?  I'm here, I have a computer, I have stuff to say, no excuse not to!

I have epiphanies all the time (I love that word), and I will share a few with you now:

-The grass is DEF always greener on the other side. We know this, yet we STILL wanna go to the other side to at least see what it's like.  We still will yearn to be on that other side.

- I kind of actually don't like modeling. Well, the industry of modeling.  So effing superficial, whimsical, flakey, backstabbing, fake... and many more fun adjectives that I can't think of right now.  Sure people are beautiful, sure people have a "different or unique" look and you want them to take pictures in your clothes, with your make up on, in front of some background... but then what? The next person comes! EVERY body has a different and unique face, so who are we to say that one face is better than the next? And they get put on such a pedestal! I use to want to model because I though that then people would think that I too was beautiful... but it's really just me being super fckn self-conscious. And I hate it.  What I DO like however, is creating beautiful artful images that people look at and stare at and think for more than a moment.  The problem is, none of the "good" photographers want you, or will ever even see you, unless you go through the bullshyt process.  Eh, well. It's just that when people say they love modeling, and all they wanna do is model... I'm like... why?? ew.

- I don't think drugs are bad.  Well...tehehe. Lemme explain.  I think that anything in moderation is fine, it's just the overdoses that cause recklessness.  As with anything tho, too much of a good thing, is a bad thing.  The only reason "drugs" are labled as drugs, are for the misuse.  Hospitals have "drugs" for petes sake, they just give it in approved "Doses" so we won't kill ourselves.  Just think, maybe the hospital gives out some form of e pill to depression patients so they can be happy... they just label it "take one every week" or something, and it balances everything out.  I just really don't think they're all that bad.  No worse than anything else we put in our bodies every single freakin day (i.e. grease, sugar, alcohol, lard, salt...).  I have nothing against the recreational (occasional) use of drugs. It's just that some people don't know when to quit, and over time... I do think that it changes a persons whole personality. For example weed. Have you ever had a conversation with a weed head? Like a REALLLLL weed head? They sound dumb as hails! And they're so lack luster about everything! It's like their pace is at %50 percent less than the rest of the world.  Sometimes people think that need drugs to act a certain way, but it's really just all in the mind.  We do them to escape for a minute from the reality of life.  But who wants a permanent vacation from life?

The rest are short epiphanies that I will explain later, cuz I know yall won't read all this! ya lazies...

- people talk about sex waaaaay too much, and there is too much nudity everywhere. I feel like there is no surprise element to anything anymore, and I'm becoming a bit unfazed by the whole thing.

- Going out every night is not good for anyone.  I know it's VERY hard to not party when it seems like everyone else is, and that you MIGHT miss something really fun if you don't go out.  But really, it's not good.

- How well do you know these people you call "friends"?  the term is so loose.

- You grow up so fast, don't waste your childhood/teen hood/ young adult hood.  Time does NOT go backward (wish it did), but only forward.

- At the end of the day, you have to live your life.  Because guess what. Unless reincarnation exists (which it might), we only have one of those lives to live (no soap opera).  Experience things, experience people, go places, don't get stuck doing the same thing forever!

- If you don't know, ask somebody....

Peace in the middle east!

Thursday, December 08, 2011

You, you, I think about you
Yes every night and day I think about you,
Are you thinkin bout me too?
Cuz I haven't got a clue
And I haven't got a care
well atleast I don't act like it.

But you still think I'm pretty when I look like sh*t
and it's
kinda fckn crazy
a hoe is still a lady
or is she just a baby
or is it just maybe
I don't want you to leave
I want you to believe me
it's easy
Thought you were on my team
all I wanna do is scream
out... out...

why? the fck? would you give up?
on love, on us?
for her, for him?
for pride with-in? Original sin?
Baby tell me right now,
are you out, are you in?
Do you wanna just start all over again?
Go back to the good times, forget about the bad
Please baby please, I don't wanna be sad
You were all that I had to depend on,
lean on
taught me how to get my green on,
be strong

I'm weak
You put a hole in my heart
I leak
You're all that I need
You're all that I mutha fkcn need!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

everyday I sit and try to unlock all of the secrets in my life. Why am I was made the way I am. WHy I do the things I do. Why why why. Just why everything! Why not, how come, when did this...why did they.... so many inquisitions, and so little answers ever come. Everything in my life is so.... unanswered. Why aren't things more simple? Why must everything be so complex? Why do some questions go unanswered? Why is my life such a dam mess sometimes? Why am I so dam bipolar? Will I ever find love? Am I just unlovable?

I feel like I need a drink. But then again, I feel like none of that stuff helps anything. It's like sweeping dirt under a rug. Looks nice, but it doesn't solve much of anything in the long run... AND in the end, you'll have hella dirt!

Anywho, I wish that others could see life the way I see it. See the world through my eyes.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Welp you guys!

It's been about a month since I've quit my job... and about a month since I've looked at my bank account! But I am very happy with how my life is developing post-employment. For one, I've been in Miami practically the whole month of October! I freakin love Miami! The first time I went was with my main bishes Shatara, Mickey, and Milly. It was suchhhhhh a needed vacation! Like you don't even understand how much I needed that. We laughed, we cried, we got drunk (we actually STAYED drunk like the whole time...) It was just magical! The second time I went, was get this, for a modeling job! Yup! They flew my lil a** out there, paid for my accommodations, and on top of that, paid me a NICE salary :)
It was for a hair coloring event, and it went really well. Since I've been back, I go on a lot of castings and have photo shoots every now and then. Still want to mainly get on television... this however seems to be extremely tricky. Getting your foot in the door is so weird! And networking is even weirder. it's like I meet a lot of people, but how do I just come out and say "help me acheive my goals mofo!" You can't! you have to be way more subtle. I swear they need to teach a class.

Anywho, modeling seems to be pretty apparent in the meantime, so that's good since I do like to do that :) But I am still working on my main destiny. Sharing myself with the world!

It will come people...

and if you don't know...

betta ask some dang body!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Hello Cruel World!!

Hello everyone! It's your favorite person ever again, Bretony! woop!

So many changes! If you follow my twitter or facebook, you may know... I quit my office job!
(p.s. I hate the word quit. I don't just "give up", I move ON!)
I didn't even know I was gonna quit that job when I went into work that day either. Things just kinda...happened! I was sitting at my desk on minute, and the next thing you know, my boss is yellin at me for something I "did wrong", which I don't think I really did all that wrong, so I simply siad I would fix it, and he said it was more serious than that...

Like wtf do you want me to do tho?? All I can do is say I'll fix it, and you can either take that or LEAVE that, ya know? But naaaw, at the end of the work day, he called me into his office for a "meetin" where he told me that my attitude has been blah since a few months ago (when he had ANOTHER meeting with me about making youtube videos on "office time"... blah). He kept saying how my attention hasn't been fully on working in the office, and my mind was else wear, and that he didn't care what else had going on in life. Hold up! I did NOT move all the way to NYC just to be an officer manager. Nope! If i'm not focused, it's because I'm not freakin focusing on making "the man" rich. I want to fulfill MY destiny! I came here to be great and do great things. And that's when I quit! Best. Decision. EVARRR!

I don't even want another job. Now is the time for me to really focus on what I came here to do, wholeheartedly. I got way too comfortable in the job. And compliance isn't good! It was way too safe, way too easy for me to be lazy in other aspects of my life. Now I have no excuses but to excel.

When I quit my job on Wednesday, I was flipping thru channels that night and realized, I was on the episode of Law and Order they were showing! That Monday, TWO checks came in the mail for me. And today, Tuesday, I had 2 amazing castings for a great designer, and a fashion show in Miami! ANDDD tomorrow, I'm gonna be shooting a promo for a new MTV show! Like wtf??? Why didn't I quit sooner!??

I know this may seem like a rash decision to everyone else, but I feel great about it! I have only the best feelings about what is to come for me SOON. It will be great. It will be televised! It will live on!

OK peeps, I'm off to be more productive! Stay tuned for more truth!

Better ask somebody!


p.s. Watch me again on Law and Order Svu this Wednesday!! Holla!!!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Does everything happen for a reason?

I have been back and forth with wether or not I should believe this is true. It's like... you wanna think that everything you are doing, everything that everyone else is doing, and everything in this life has a meaning and purpose.... but does it? Has everything for us been pre-determined to the point that every action, even little ones, are all planned out for us? I sometimes believe this is true, but other times, it just doesn't make sense. And here is the main reason why:

From what I have come to know, as far as God is concerned, is that he created the world and all of existence one day because he was bored and lonely all by himself in the universe. He made the galaxy, animals and stuff, and then finally images in his form. Now it is said that God is all knowing, but it is also said that he made man with "free will". We are free to either serve him, or to not serve him... it's up to us. But what gets me is, if he is all knowing...why knowingly create beings that would even HAVE the "free will" NOT to serve God? Is it really up to us?? And if it in fact is, why would God create, knowing that some would be eternally damned for NOT serving? It's semi, kinda, not our fault if you actually think about it.

Also, why create a world in which you already know that outcome of everything already? Is it like watching a favorite movie of yours? In where you already know the ending, how everything is gonna play out, and you even know it word for word, but you still enjoy watching? Maybe that's it. It's all very mysterious to me.

Maybe all of us have specific tasks in our lives... "goals" rather... that we will all achieve in our lifetime. Maybe the route specifically is all up to us. Maybe there is an easy, lucky, fun way... and maybe there is a hard, depressing, violent way.

Are our lives really already planned out for us in every single step? Or is there still a chance to be.... unpredictable?

What do you guys think?

p.s. I know we shouldn't really be questioning God like this, but I am really kinda confused on this subject. It's not like someone shot my friend and I'm all like "WHY GOD, WHYYYY!???" It's a legitimate question!

Friday, September 02, 2011


I want you all to try something. It's kinda weird, but my mind goes on tangents sometimes. Really weird ones. So I was randomly thinking about life, and how mine came to be what it is, and all the things that have happened. And then... I started backtracking.

Now let me explain backtracking: You take something small or big in your life, anything. My example will be meeting someone special. So you look at the event, and look back at the events that led up to that particular thing, and go back as far as you can. So let me do my example for you:
Met someone special :)

- Met them at a birthday party for my friend
- Met that friend at a model hosting event which my OTHER friend invited me to
- Met THAT friend at a modeling job I got near times square
- Got the modeling job because I was randomly walking down the street
with this bouncer from a strip club, and someone suggested I be a model for them.
- I met the bouncer when I auditioned for the strip club! (cocktail waitress position of course!)

So then I look at all of this, and I'm like wow, what if I never would have went into that strip club to apply for a job? Would I have still met that someone? Would it have been the wrong place, wrong time? It's so crazy.

You can also do it the opposite way, starting with a small event too, or maybe a bad event which could have sparked something great. I'll give an example!

If I never would have met my crazed ex-bf...

I would have never learned about this one social media website....

I would have never met my friend on the east coast....

I would have never gotten such good friends.....

They would have never said yes to me staying with them on the east coast....

I would have never lived in NYC!*

*Well, I'm suuuure I would have lived in NYC eventually, but ya know!

Any who, I think you all should try it. It makes you more of a believer in "everything happens for a reason" in a way... or something like that. I just think that the most random events, could actually be the most life changing.

Let me know what you guys come up with! :)

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Hello everyone.

How are you all doing? Life is...


I always think about life all the time. Every aspect of it...the beginning, the middle, the end, the choices, the predispositions, the factors, the luck, the sadness, the coincidences, everything. Its all freakin weird, and I wonder why things are the way they are. I've been REALLL contemplative lately, and I just don't know why. Well actually, I kinda do. But I wont go into that right now.

My boss found my secret youtube channel, so my series "When my bosses go to lunch" had to be cancelled. Which freakin sucks! My boss called me in for a meeting about it saying something about stealing company time, and not being serious about work. U

mmmm, hello! Those videos were averaging about 5 minutes each, NOT even everyday. Who df were they hurting? I need an outlet for my passions! I understand a SMIDGE, but not really... let me live!

I just wish I could do what it was I wanted to do in life without all the drama. Sometimes I feel like it would be better back in the olden days (like the 50s or 60s) when everyone didn't think they knew everything about everything, and we were all learning together... and they took a chance more on people.
Nowadays, there are so many politics involved with everything people wanna do. There is such a process for everything. Back then, when pe

ople applied for a job or something, they just walked right into a place, talked to a manager, they decided right then and there if they wanted you (or at least I think it went mostly like that). Now, you have to apply online, wait like a million years for someone to call you back, THEN go on a second interview, with like 30 other suck up a** people, then wait another million years... and then like 30 more thing
s. All for a dumb stupid wack job that requires NO skills! Like... really? wtf?!

And let's talk about how everything requires experience... How do you get experience if the people you're trying to get experience WITH want you to have... experience? The system is all wrong I tell you. Who made these rules? Who told the people on top that they were the final voice in everything? Just because they were the first doesn't mean they get to make it more difficult for everyone else to make their way up.

That's why I dont really like doing things the systematic way. I have a weird way of getting everything done. People may shun it in the begi
nning, but if you aren't doing things differently, then you'll just end up lost in the imperfect system, stuck forever in a "process".

Break free people! Fight the system...fight the power...fight the man.

and all that jazz.

and if you don't know... you better ask somebody!! Someone commented that they missed me saying that, I miss it too! :)

* Also!! if you have any questions, comments, concerns, or need advice about anything, feel free to leave a comment! I will definitly get back to you guys. or you can email me woop!

**Allllsooo, my other favorite blogger/person in the whole wide world did a photo shoot with me! Go visit her blog to see pics! And if you're in the nyc area, she is doing photo shoots all week, so go book!

Monday, July 18, 2011

FINDING YOURSELF (and all that cliche' b.s.)

So, I've realized something about myself. I'm always loosing myself!

I know that everything can't always be about me in life, but DAMMIT, I feel like it's hardly ever about me anymore! This always happens when I let people into my life. They end up becoming the number one priority. But where am I in all of this? I often forget what it is I've come here to do. It's so easy to get distracted by the things in life that may seem fun or better than what your actual reality may consist of: Partying every night, drugs, money, love... all cloud reality of what you really need to be doing in your life if you want to succeed. Its tough to turn down what everybody is offering, what everybody else is doing. Its hard to be different. And I mean TRULY different...not fake different (which is what everybody THINKS they are, but in actuality, its all really just the same).

I care way too much sometimes. Im not enough of a bitch. I'm really not assertive enough, and I'm FAAAR to indecisive when it comes to certain things. I really need to change that if I think I'm going to make it far in this world.

There are way too many factors of life that we have to think about all the time... sometimes it gets too much! Like, what are we supposed to think about the most? I guess thats where our passion and priorities come in to play. Idk you guys, sometimes I just get overwhelmed by everything. As I;m sure everyone does at times. Life is weird.

In other news, I got a tan! I go to the beach and the pool a lot. I love the water, even though I can't really swim at all. Water is just relaxing, and engulfing. And the beach... I just absolutely adore the beach. It's like my second home. I love the beautiful things in this world. the natural artwork of God that remains pure. It make you think.

I also quit one of my 2 jobs. I wanna quit this other one too actually. I'm just over working at this point. Most of my friends don't have jobs. I just want to be free from the shackles of the man once and for all! Is that so much to ask??!!

ok you guys, gotta go to sleep now... I lOVE it when you guys comment. It gives me lyfe!! I'm glad to know people are reading this, and I love the feedback :)

Monday, July 04, 2011

Inspiration/ Hateration (Holleration - in this Dancery)

Idk wtf Mary J. Blige was talking about, but this is a perfect title for this blog.

The memory of my mom is still VERY fresh in my memory. I had a dream about her last night. She was alive again somehow. Scientists like took her body and made it move again, but it wasn't her inside. She was just a shell of herself, going through the motions. Whateve
r it was of her, I took it, and was happy that she was back. When I woke up...nothing. It's really strange.

I've been really trying to get on with my normal everyday life however. I quit one of my jobs (Forever 21). I was so over it! I'm glad I quit. Back to being broke though, but I don't really mind about all of that. Least of my problems really.

I'm watching this Beyonce' video on youtube about her and her new album and all that shizz... I love Beyonce' son! She's inspiring to me. Even though, my mind can't help but to wander when I think about how she started her career... everybody was helping her do everything! She was never poor, she had everything she wanted. Parents as her freakin managers. Beautiful AND talented. Like wtf??! And then I think, are. a hater. Which is true sometimes!! And it kills me, because I really don't wanna be. I'm always comparing myself to other people and other things they are doing. I hate seeing beautiful women sometimes because I get soooooo freakin envious of them. I want to look like them, and then I get mad because I don't. Same goes for talented people who are famous. I get mad. I want that. Why don't I have that. I know that nobody really wants to admit being envious (I can
't spell jelouse), but I'm just trying to say how I really, honestly, truthfully feel.

Bottom line is, the hater in me, is also what inspires me. I know that I can do better than all of these people, and I will do just that. Let that be your passion and motivation. Take all of the bad thoughts you are feeling, and turn them into what will drive you to do better. I'm going to work and work, until these ideas in my head are realities. I'm going to keep checkin my email everyday because I know that one day, it won't just be filled with twitter and facebook notification updates, but there will be that one email from that one important person, that will completely change the mundane course of my l
ife. I just have to keep at it. Never give in to the people who says your dreams are dumb. All of the most famous people say you need to dream big. I sometimes don't even like to call it "dreaming", because dreams aren't real at all. What I have in my head is bigger than dreams... they are pre-realities. (I might have to work on calling it something else before I tell too many other people that though :/). If anybody knows me really, you should know that I have my sights set pretty high, and I don't really plan on lowering them. Even though things in my life get frustrating as all fuck... like my mom randomly dying... like my kitty chewing through my brand new macbook charger -______-

I have to endure. It will be worth it :)

p.s. a GREAT article on what i've discussed in this blog. How to stop being envoius...

p.p.s. I don't remember taking this picture, buuuut. cute? (me and sisters)

Monday, June 20, 2011


Well you guys, if you read my blog alot, you might remember a post where I talked about my life and the cycle of good and bad things that happen to me one week after the other practically. So, you know how I was all happy and whatever about buying my mac? The world doesn't like Bretony to be happy for too long I suppose....

This father's day morning, my mother died of a blood clot in her lungs. She was in perfect health just a week ago, then bam, this goes and happens.

When my dad and sister called to tell me, I immediately this April the 1st? Why would they joke about this? This isn't real, I'm just gonna hang up the phone and go back to sleep now. But.... 20 something hours later...I still haven't been back to sleep, so I guess this is reality. This has been such a weird day. I don't really know how to act or feel. To tell you the truth, I've thought about when this day would come, and how I would react. You never really know until it happens. So confused. So many questions. I just don't know much of anything right now. I can't go to sleep, but I have a flight to catch in a few hours back to Detroit. I really didn't wanna go back like THIS tho, under THESE fucking circumstances. Like what the fuck? She wasn't even old. She wasn't even sick. This came completely out of left fucking field. And it's fucked up. I don't know what my family is gonna do anymore. I hadn't even seen my mom since LAST Thanksgiving. Stupid being broke.

My very good friend Alexis heard the news and IMMEDIATELY got on the bus and came over to be with me. THAT is a fucking friend. I didn't really even know what to say, but I cried on her shoulder and told her what I could manage to get out. We spent the day just thinking about life and all the changes that would come. We walked to the park with my other very good friend Milly, and just sat by the Hudson river looking out over the water and talking. I love those two.

SO this is my life now... my life after death. It will take some getting use to. Some more crying i'm sure. Even tho I hate crying.

P.s. I was looking at the birthday card my mom gave me last month. There's a picture of a girl sitting at a desk, and she drew on the desk "Bretony's movie studio New York". I thought it was really cute. I believe now more that ever in my destiny. I have to do it for my mommy.

p.p.s I am not packing a black dress.

Saturday, June 18, 2011



what's been going on with everyone? I want to hear from YOU sometimes ya know? Anywho, I have a new birthday, and that day is TODAY! Today, I finally bought myself a macbook pro! I know right??!! the bomb! I have been wanting one for idk how freakin long. Every thing I've been trying to do to get one, and I've finally freakin got one. And its sooooo sweet! I cant wait to jump into some editing on this baby. I named her candy, and I love her so.

This is just another example of me getting everything I set my mind to. It's like, if I see something as real in my head, without doubts of "what if i don't, what if i can't...blah blah blah", then it comes true eventually! I think thats one of the best parts about my life. Now if I could only focus and do that for this next thing in life that I want. But its hard tho, because I DO doubt sometimes. I really really really try not to you guys, but it. is. HARD! (that's what he said..but anyway)

I feel like I've been going through a quarter life crisis for the majority of this year, and I do not like it! Must snap out of the swagless trance. I will tell you one thing tho...

So, like a month ago, I got signed to this agency non-exclusivly, so I thought that was a pretty good step forward. But low and behold, the devil IS a lie... a few weeks ago, they sent me an email saying that couldn't use my look. -_________-


First of all, I tried to shake it off and just be like SO/WHATEVER and whatnot, but I am an extremely sensitive person on the inside, and things hurt my feelings! They cut me deep! I felt so old, so fat, so short... so ugly! So unwanted. I believe I need to retire. I really should, but idk. Something inside of me keeps wanting to peruse for some strange dumb stupid reason. I really do not know you guys. I'm just being mad dumb right now I think.

But the focus for right now is my next goal! What will it be? Whatever it is, i know it WILL become a reality, so I have to think long, and hard (insert inappropriate joke #2 here). I have to totally immerse myself in the reality of this goal. I have to think, live, breathe, eat and sleep as if it is already a reality. That is the key...
Aight everybody! hope I inspired sumthin in ya!! Yall come back nah, ya hear?!

Friday, May 06, 2011


What is crazy? what is "weird"? These days, I think its like... the new hot thing to call yourself maybe? People like being labeled as crazy and weird I'm starting to believe. But why? Is it just because its something different to be? Why would anyone intentionally wanna be weird and crazy? I mean I guess... I dont really think im that crazy or weird actually. I'd like to be crazy tho. Being crazy seems really fun actually. You get to do whatever you wanna do and people just chalk it up to you being mental. My family actually has a history mental illness, so hey, who knows! Schizophrenia seems like a cool thing to have maybe. I just wouldn't wanna have the violent kind that they lock you up for. I'd wanna be a functional schizoid. I think i'd have hella fun in my day to day life. And i could make a show about it! Shoooot, I know I'd watch.

Being weird is another thing. People like to say, "oh im weird because i do this, or dont do this, or like this, or dont like this..." ok?? That's just different. not necessarily weird per say. Im always a little leery of people who self describe themselves as things anyway. Like people who say, "I'm funny". I listen to everything they say after that like...ok... when is umm... the funny stuff gonna be said?? Just let your actions describe you! Thats the best way i think. Thats why it sometimes gets on my nerves when people want you to describe yourself. You're gonna be perceived differently by everyone. And how are you supposed to know how other perceive you? All you know is how you perceive yourself. Which could be TOTALLY different from how others see you.

now back to being crazy for a minute. i like crazy people. Their mind is so interesting to me. Im HUGE on the mind. As you people should know if you're an avid reader of my bog :)

ANYWHOOOO, im at work, so i guess I should get back to that!


Oh yea, I have a second job now. Retail baybee! -___-

and follow my twittuh! @bretonymcgee

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

in case yall forgot how i looked..... Late night blogging! woop! Should be sleeping, but oh wells. Your mind is a powerfull thing. A POWERFULL THING DO YOU HEAR ME! It's the key to everybody's everything really. If you use it wrong, your life is nothing, if you use it right, your life is everything. It seems like such a small thing. A small part of us. It only takes up so much space in our bodies, yet it controls every function, physically and mentally. I think way too much. Over analyze everything! If only I could learn how to utilize the capacity of my brain for the greater good of my life, instead of constantly dwelling on irrelevant and unchangeable things, I would be sooooo the bomb son! All these ideas floating around in my brain. All these ideas that have the ability to formulate. All of these everythings that are waiting to be done! It's all right here in my head!! It's inside of all of your heads too. Why don't we use it the way we should be using it? Let's start using our heads people. Our braings. Our minds.! (but really,

Saturday, March 26, 2011


I just wanna scream sometimes. Just go somewhere, and just fkcn scream. But then I think how my throat will hurt after that. So instead of scream, I'm gonna vent all of my feelings out to this blog as I usually do.

I'm depressed. I'm bi-polar as hell, yes I know, I know. But just bear with me! :)

Anywho, I'm depressed. Like, where in the FKC is my life going? What is my life right now? It is nothing! Sometimes I feel like Im not really good at anything. Sometimes I feel like I have no real talent, no real skills. Why do I feel like this at times? Is there something wrong with my brain? I know that we are all our toughest critics, but this is just OD. Will I ever snap out of this fkcn trance I;m in of hopelessness? I just want to be successfull (no trey songz). Why can't I fkcn just be already??!! It's not that I'm lazy, I just don't fkcn know what to do anymore. This life is a fkcn big a** brain puzzle, and I'm fkcn stuck. I'm lost in the world (no kanye).

All I do is talk, talk, talk about this shyt. and write about it. And talk about it with others. But what the fkc is there to DO??? What is there for me to do to reach my life goals? I know I always ask this, but shit!! Sometimes the frustrartion consumes me and I must vent.

Sometimes I feel like I should just fkcn go back to wack ass college, get a stupid fkn degree in some shit that I could give a FKC about, marry some shmuck, have some regular ass kids, have a regular ass job, a fuckin boring ass life, and just fuckin wait till the end of the world to come and fuckin take me away to my eternity.

I know everybody thinks like this sometimes. It's really hard to say out loud, AND type, but I feel like it must be done. I must share my thoughts. If I don't do atleast that, then that would really be sad. To be trapped alone in my mind with all of these terribly depressing thoughts. Eh, not for me.

Some people's purpose is just right there in their fucking faces. It's obvious as fuck, and their path is pretty visable. But me? ahhhhhhhh! ughghhhghghghgh!!! ajkdfhkajhd;flakh;dlkfh;!!!!!

Sorry for these ramblings, I really am. I really really do hate when I have depressing blogs, but they must be written!

But alright, I suppose I'm done for the moment.

Back to doing nothing....