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Wednesday, February 10, 2010

NO SERIOUSLY!!!

My dreams are effin weird these days! and i always have dreams. i have really been dreaming and dreaming up a storm, but none of the dreams add up. they are all random and weird. i cant remember too far back right now, but in my dreams last night (i had like 3), i was beating people up! one person was my little sister, and one was a girl that one of my exs cheated on my with. lol...HECK if i know what those are supposed to mean. i was also fighting this boy who was supposedly my brother (he was kinda fine low key), definatly looked like he could be my bro, but he was super buff.

and i do remember this one dream that was kinda like a movie. it had a title and everything! i forgot what it was called exactly, but it was something like brownstone commons (it was actually a much cooler name, i shoulda wrote it down) it was about high society and magical/ mythical stuff. it was really really cool. but most of my dreams have some kind of violence or... "passion" lets just say. but i wont get into those right now!

:(

anywho, im at work supposed to be workin, but help me figure this out!!

p.s. why the EFF is alexis movin away???!!

Saturday, February 06, 2010

HAPPINESS!!

ok yall, im tired of all these depressed a** blogs i've been writing lately. my life is actually pretty good (besides being broker than a b*tch!).

i have a really nice job, most i've ever been paid hourly (aint THAT much, but its good to me!), got me a place to live, im in the greatest city ever know to man kind! i party all the time, i have pretty good friends. im doing fairly well for myself considering!

i just need to learn to be more thankfull, as do we all!! and also learn how to appreciate the little things in life...

like the bad girls club! thats my show! those girls are all freakin crazy in their own way and i love it. sometimes i wish i was on one of those group house type reality show things, but i just DONT wanna be on a reality show. can i just like do that in real life? and film it myself?i think i could produce a better show than that anyway.
i have not given up on my dreams you guys! i am still aspiring to become the tv/movie personality that i've always wanted to be, and inspire millions upon millions of people to live their life to the fullest and enjoy every second of their existence.
i wanna be something like a less vague, less wordy deepak chopra lol. i like him! and he always be walkin around new york!

a couple quick things, since i dont really tweet alot anymore:

-my dad sent me a text message saying he misses me and he said i should call. ahhhhhh!! my family misses me, what is the world coming to!

_my blackberry is shot to HECKK! i accidently threw it while i was dancing in the club one night, and now some of the main letters needed to type dont work. it freakin sucks man! i need a new phone!

-i still do not have internet OR cable at my house...and now not even a phone! so you can imagine how bored i be!

-it needs to hurry up and be summer so i can go clubbin more often! clubbin is so fun!

-why do i always use exclamations!!??

anywho, thats it for right now, im just at work, about to go home...not really in a rush, i dont have plans on this gloooorious saturday night. except to smash some food like luscious did the homies.

what about you guys? :)

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

i know my place....

yeap. i do. i know it now. every guy has that one special girl in their life that just takes over. no other girl compares to her. girls can go thru guys like water, and fall in love with every single one of them, but guys...when a guy falls in love? true love??? its over son. no other girl will ever compare to that girl. so its really no point in anything you do. yea they still like to have fun every now and then, and i mean hey, so do i, but at the end of the day i have to remember my place. which is nothing. i have no place. i am the fun one. not the permanant one. i am the fling, not the real thing (lmao, that kinda made me crack up a little bit...but still sad).
i am however someones special girl. "special" girl. its confusing.
i know im the highest ranking girl in their world, however, my score of 100 on his scale is actually a 50 on the global scale.
(is this making sense, or is this whole blog way vauge? ohwell!)
as most of you may know, i am a huge attention whore. i have yet to find the right mixture of attention and anti-annoyance all wrapped up in one cute little package.
i feel as if me being the highest isnt enough for him to want me the way that all the other highest ranking girls are. they get talked about. i dont. they get surprized. i dont. they cause pain. i dont. its just...not how i imagined it to be ya know.

people shouldnt let technicalities be the reason they arent together. technicality??? wtf! that means u never really wanted it right? that means that u could just take it or leave it right???

why dont rich white guys like me?? atleast if a white boy doesnt really love me i could get some cool jewelry or something. blah.

all i ever do is give. but what do i get? nada...not even love.

:(
ON MY ISLAND

if any of you out there really know me as much as you think you do, u should know that one of my many dreams and goals in life is to go live on an island. a very very primative island where i dont have to wear clothes or do my hair. i would also like to sleep in a hut and not wear shoes, and eat mainly berries and fish that i grab (or maybe not be personally, but one of the natives or somethin) and i cook it over an open flame that i start from scratch (again, not me PERSAY). it just seems like the most freeing and liberating thing ever to me. i would love to just be free. go swimming in clear blue waters all the time. i hope there are no bugs tho, cuz ew. thats why i have to pick my island very carefully. it has to be hot all year round so i can not wear clothes all year round. has to have fishies available for me (or someone else) to catch. lot of palm trees. lots of freindly animals that i can call freinds, not lions or scary crazy animals.
if any of you have ever seen that movie blue lagoon, something between a mixture of that and the island from lost.
im not sayin i wanna be stuck there, just be there for like a year. maybe 2. eh, idk. i just really wanna go and relieve my spirits. i do NOT wanna go alone. agh! i'd go freakin crazy! i get lonley in nyc! wtf! if i ever get married, i would take my husband and kids maybe if he's up for it. if not, i would take any of my friends that would want to go with me. it would be kinda like survivor hehehe. i just know it would be totally cool. just dont knw what i'd do all day. maybe i 'd blog, write a book. make some videos. pray all day. eh who knows. i just know i need to do it.

i go to the island in my dreams and stay there till i wake up. its nice there, trust me. i cant wait to go there in person. who wants to go with! :)

Hair

i cant wait till my hair grows back down to my lower back (yes bichos, it use to be down there!!). i didnt appreciate it when i had it. i didnt really know how good i had it back then. i was trying to be differant and have short hair. i was trying to be edgy or something. i was trying to be anything but myself. it seems like im always trying to be something other than myself. i find myself always thinking 'oh what if i had this...if i only had that...why dont i look like this...why cant my hair look like that??' its pretty darn sad people. i must say. but i have my perfect looks all planned out. wanna hear em?? ok! (even tho i feel like i've blogged about this before, i've updated a couple things):

i would be 5'10", bout a c cup, 24 inch waist, 38 inch hips (i think thats enough, dont want it to be TOO huge)
my skin would be like one shade darker than it is now (me with an all over tan basically)
my hair would be Middle eastern textured (i love their hair texture) down to the middle of my back (extra long hair irritates me)
really long natural eyelashes, smooth smooth, extra smooth skin with a blemish at ALL (except for my freckles on my face...only a few over my nose and under my eyes...i love freckles!!) a couple beauty marks on my back (the ones i have now will work just fine) naturally light purple eyes (i think that would be so mysterious and unique) and some nice pouty lips...

and thats all! is that too much to ask? i dont think so. i keep telling myself that one day i would probably get some surgeries to look like what i just described. but then again, a couple of the things i described were described with the word 'natural' now weren't they? so that would be kinda pointless. but then i think like, why do i always wanna change myself so much? because im not perfect. is anyone? yes, it seems like it. but they arent tho. no matter what i think. or are they?

what if i did infact try to alter myself so much to the point where im nothing like what i was before. do i really want that? because there is only gonna be one me. if i get rid of me...then thats it buddy, no more me for the world to see. and what if some of the world likes me fore exactly me? what if i was meant to be exactly who i am right now? every single blemish, every single strand of crinkley hair, both of these regular a** brown eyes? nobody else is going to have these same exact things the way i have them. what if the person im suppose to be with love me for exactly who i am? (ha)

anyways peeps, point is, i can complain all i want about what im NOT, about what i could be. so could all of you. unless you are just one of those rare freaks of nature who "loves everything about yourself" gtfoh...
i could walk on my tip toes all day trying to appear taller, i could poke my lips out and wear as much make-up and fake hair as i want trying to hide who i really am. but at the end of the day. i a who i am....for a freakin reason. instead of asking myself why me, i should be asking what reason. (those sound kinda similar, but yall know what im tryna say dang it!)

i really do dislike my hair tho, lol. i mean sometimes its cool. but its ALWAYS a lot of work. i just wanna wake up and go ya know? im all about easy.

holler back! :)
love yourselves...

p.s.

....i cannot WAIT till summer, i wanna go to a nude beach

....i miss tiwtter a litte, but blogging lets me say more

....i be havin some straaannggeeee dreams yo

Tuesday, February 02, 2010


What happend to human interaction?

Me and technology have a love/hate relationship. I love it for the obvious reasons that everyone loves it for, but I also hate it just as equally...if not more! I was sitting in chipotle today (so freakin good! but sooooo effin expensive, smh), and I was all by myself. i had my ipod. i had my phone, but i was alone. i was texting one of my friends while simultaneously listening to some lady gaga...but i was alone. I began to look around. Besides a few couples, a lot of the people in there were alone. I kept trying to make eye contact with this irish looking white boy who was reading a book about armageddon. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to talk to SOMEONE. i get tired of freakin texting all the time. I get tired of not talking to actual people, of being around people. who's to say we cant talk to random strangers and spark conversation just for the sake of simple human interaction?
Everyday i get on the train to come home...and silence! unless the people know each other ofcourse...silencio! everyone is doing their own thing. ipods, phones, books...so many things to preoccupy people and distract them from interaction. What ever happend to people just walking up to one another and conversing about current events, things going on, anything!

i know it seems weird, but i always hope that whenever i go out alone, someone really really cool will just start randomly talking to me. like a genuine conversation. and nooooo not no "aww ma, lemme try and holler at your for a minute because you are looking kind of fine" type of crap. that is why i try to appear so available to talk to. i stare into space alot. i try to do inquisitive things so people can inquire...ya know? i know that sounds super weird, but i mean hey.

its sad that most of my friends these days derive from online. dont get me wrong, i love all my friends and im thankfull for them, but its crazy when 90% of the time, im typing to them rather than actually talking to them or with them in person. its crazy how someone would sooner @reply me on twitter as oppose to calling me or comming over to visit. i know i know...its much more convinent. blah blah blah. but it still sucks.

i miss people.
but do they miss me?

Its truly sad that whenever i take a break from twitter i feel super lonley and less people feel the need to contact me. wtf is up with THAT??!! is twitter my freakin lifeline?? do i have no life outside of twitter? do YOU ALL have no freakin life outside of twitter? yall act like yall dont even know a ninja if im not tweetin every 5 minutes! sheesh ka bob!

idk yall, i just like talking and having INTELLIGENT (keyword, intelligent) conversations. if you have nada to say, i mean well hey, thats a differant story son. when i find someone i like to talk to, i just want to talk to them all the time. sound kinda selfish but oh wells! it be like that in the hood!

annnyyywhoooo. im out like flare leg pants. holla!! ;)