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Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Reflections on life as I lie awake in bed in the early morning hours of this gloomy Tuesday...

I woke up at about 5AM today, after going to sleep at about 12 i'd say. Ever since I've taken off Tuesday's and Thursday's, I mainly sleep in, im not gonna lie to you guys. Its terrible, and I feel so unaccomplished when I don't wake up in time to do anything real. I'm a night person tho, sheesh! It's always been like that with me. It's also like, there is no SET plan for me to follow on my days off, so it's like...hmm, what should I do today. There are many possibilities, but by the time I finally think of one, I end of thinking of another one, and my brain gets scrambled to the point where I end up not really doing anything. I need guidence.

Life is full of choices. OBVIOUSLY, but I feell like I need to say it mainly for myself. I'm sitting here thinking of what I could be doing today. I have the whole freakin day ahead of me! Whichever choice I choose to make will ultimatly affect the outcome of my life in some way. and thats freakin crazy! Do you know how freakin differant our lives could be if we make ever so slightly differant choices? For some, it may not seem like it would make much a differance, but for others, it may be something huge! Could be the differance between life and death, rich and poor, love and lonliness. Anything really, and thats effin deep.

I know the outcome I want, but the process, the path, the question. The shortest distance between 2 places is a straight line, in this case, the distance between where I am now and where I wanna be. But who the fawk really walks in straight lines?? I've never seen it! When google maps gives you directions, is it ever in a straight line? Hail to the no! Its always a bunch of twits and turns and junk, and then you're lookin at the directions like, wtfeezey? But then you decide to trust it and, you realize that all of those twists and turns that you thought were kinda crazy, or might take you out of the way, were actually necessary to get where you had to be.

I need to get in tune with the google map of my soul. My usual plan is just to start walking outside, and I'll get there eventually. But hey, we don't live forever, and maybe I will get side tracked on my quest to my destination. I must find the best route, and go from there.

We live our lives for what purpose? I am always asking myself this. And the answer seems to change from time to time depending on how I'm feeling. Is it to make ur mark on humanity? (But humanity is temporary). Is it to live your life to the fullest? is it to be as rich as you can? as happy as you can? to love? what?? what is it? what is considered a successful life?

I must try not to get disappointed because of the choices in life that i make, or the life that i was specifically given. it may seem like others have it easier, are prettier, or smarter, or have it all together. but guess what... oh i dont know. I'm still figuring this thing out myself. if anybody has any input or feedback, i would like to hear what you guys have to say :)

AND IF YA DONT KNOW u betta ask some dang on body...

p.s. why do they say life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get? If I'm buyin a box of chocolates, why df wouldn't I know what kinda chocolates are in there?? I aint tryna accidently bite into no punk a** coconut a** chocolate...or stupid mint. gross. I say, life is like the weather...can change in an instant!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

OMG! My mom reads my blog!

Yup! Just found this out like yesterday. Glad I didnt make that "say whatever I really feel blog" haha!! My mom always use to read my diarys when I was a kid tho so eh. I even remember a time when my sisters stole my diary, broke the lock off, and conveniently highlighted the parts that they thought my mom should pay particular intrest to. SHAKIN MY HEAD. I wish I had the diarys from my younger days still. I even remember this diary type book I use to write in middle school. It even had a title! It was called "teen life". I let some of my friends read it, and somehow the principal got a hold of it ( -_- some friends!). We had a whole assembly with the 7th 8th and 9th graders about it, lmaoo! My family moved so much tho, that Im not really sure where any of my writing stuff is anymore. I have my things spread out over so many differant peoples houses its not even funny. Life of a nomad tho. See, thats why I like this blog. Cuz no matter where I go, it'll be here. An online hard copy of my writings! Gotta love blogging. (yet gotta protect it from ya moms!)

ANYWHO! I recently got a comment on one of my youtube videos about how (no offense, but) I was now boring, and the updates about my life and random videos of me singing, dancing and rapping werent cutting it. they said its obvious that gettin by is never coming back so they unsubscribed.


Sooooo, I tried to brush this comment off and not think too much of it. But ugh! it got on my nerves! FIRST of effin all, wtf did u think gettin by was?? me updating my life, and singing and dancing you idiot! SECONDLY, ninjas want my old ish, buy my old albums! Gettin by will be back, but if u so stuck on how/what they use to be, go back and watch it! my new stuff will definatly not be the same, good or bad. THIRD, i am not effin boring son! I entertain my DANG self all the time, so if u wanna unsubscribe, why df are u making a huge spectical out of it? Just do it and stfu! Then i thought to myself...B, why are u getting so mad? Everyboody is not gonna like nor understand everything you do. Gettin' By is my baby. Its hard to convey the point I have to everyone about the direction I would like my show to go in, and I definatly cant respond to everyone individually about it. This is what celebrities go through I'm sure. They have to learn to deal with this kinda stuff. Everybody always judging, constantly bashing you (as if they are doing something sooooo great with THEIR lives). You not being able to just come out and reply back to each negative thing someone has to say. You not being able to explain yourself all the time. That must be tough!

Everything that happens to me right now, is happening for a reason. There is a plan. I hope to inform as many people as I can about as MANY things as I can. I want to better the world. Better everyone's thought process. I want to help people be better people. I am still figuring out so many things in life. Im not trying to say I have the right answers at all. But I do hope to enlighten myself. Be patient my dear friends and readers of this blog, and watchers of my videos, and followers of my twitter, and friends of my facebook, and .... i dont really use myspace anymore...but yea!

I need to meditate. or get hypnotized or something. My friend is going to a psychic (sp). I might swang thru with her....

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Letters to a young Bretony (Vol. 1)...

(I'm in blue, Krista in pink)

Dear young Bretony,

Hello! This is your older self! There is soooo much I wish I would have known when I was your age. I don't really know where to begin. I will start off by saying, the first few years of your life, you were discovering who you are. You loved the camera even then when mom and dad use to film you and krista and cortney. You were ALWAYS the one who stole the spotlight. Life for you was bliss those first few years. But going to kindergarten is a whole new thing for you. Going to public schools you will encounter so many differant things than what you were use to in the sheltered home you knew during the first years. You will not be like any of the other kids at school. they will try to tease you for this, and make you feel like you are weird because you don't look, talk, or act like any of them. But this is not true young Bretony. They will try to tell you that being taller, skinnier, and paler than everyone in class is ugly, when really they are jelouse of your beauty. You have long gorgeous hair that you always keep up in ponytails. Do not hide your hair from these kids at your school. Long hair is not a bad thing! I know you will try to hide behind your glasses all the time, but let your beauty shine thru! And please ask mom and dad to get you some more cute glasses pleaseeee, and not the same ones that your grandma wears! You will be very smart. Extremely so. Do not dumb yourself down just to make friends. I know it may seem cool at the time to have bad grades on your report card, but thats really quite dumb. Embrace your 4.0's girl. Also at such a young age, I suggest you leave all the boys alone because they are all gross... and have cooties and stuff. On another side of things, I know you are a very creative girl who writes a lot...a WHOLE lot. Do not stop writing. You will be glad when you have something to look back on. And keep your writings with you, mom will try to throw them away. Know that it is never to early to develop your talent, and that the younger you start, the better. Whatever it is in your heart that you want to do, you should do it. i know mom and dad don't have all of the money that everyone else has. And I know that you and your sisters don't have everything you want, or somethings that you need, but you should be greatfull for what you do have while you have it. Your health for example. Your mind. Your blemish free, wrinkle free, beautiful poreless face. Also, I do not suggest cutting your hair. And don't go to any crazy hairstylists that might try to damage it. Just do it yourself, you do a pretty good job.
As far as your family goes, I know your dad my seem distant at times, but you should still try your best to include him in your life. Your mom only tries to help you, so be greatfull for that. Your sisters will grow up to be crazy, but cherish them now for what they are. Try not to hold grudges. You shold try to reach out more to your big sister Holly. She feels bad that you all grew up without her.
I know, young Bretony, that you can be VERY VERY soft spoken at times, which will come off as shy. Me and you both know that its because you are more of an observer, but you should really try to voice more of your opinions and speak your mind. Be more assertive. Life is not going to be perfect, or easy. It will be hard and full of complicated choices that you will have to make. I say be focused on what it is you want out of life. Appreciate. Cherish. Set the foundation for the rest of your life. it is never too early...but it CAN be too late.

-- Bretony

Monday, August 30, 2010

hello everyone,

bit of an update in my life as bre...I have been taking classes for broadcasting and production at the manhattan neighborhood network. so freakin hype! I get to help with shows and learn all about cameras and whatnot. I'm going to be making my own show soon enough, I just need to get some background knowledge on all of the stuff that is involved with television show production. I'm a very hands on "i do all my own ish" kinda gal, so I think its really good for me. I took 2 days off of work each week, which a.) leaves me a little bit broker, but b.) gives me time to do things more geared towards me actually doing things in this city...acomplishing all of my goals in life. I've got a pocket full of dreams! But ya know, I think about fame alot lately, and I know tons TONSSS of people who are trying to make it big in some sort of industry, those who swear up and down that they are so close to fame and all of that, but really, all of their medium level fame doesnt really add up to too much. I don't know any Beyonces, Kanye Wests, Oprahs, or Bill gates...who makes it? How do they make it? Is it all just luck? I wonder if i have that thing that makes people iconic and unforgettable...and talked about? Who determines if you have that? Oh man, I have so many questions, so so many. But I am just a simple human. One of billions. How do I make people listen to my questions and what I have to say? What makes me differant, and stand out? Will these questions ever be answered?

I believe that all it really takes is that one moment. That one right place and right time. There is no gradual thing, its just that one moment. And you have to be prepared for that moment, so that's why you have to work at what you wanna do so the moment doesnt pass you by. I wonder if we all get a moment like that and some of us just miss it. Dang, did I miss mine??? that would freakin suck. I hope i haven't missed it yet, but I am trying to work on being more prepared. My mind is so scatterbrained all the time. My ideas float around so randomly. I need to harness them. I need a sort of...mind cowboy to wrangle all of my ideas and put it in an idea barn somewhere in my membrane (ok with these metaphors bre, ok). I don't know tho, this blog is pretty good for me to just blurt out my ideas. Maybe I should hire an interpreter to put them into some sort of sense making form. Oh and twitter too. My twitter is massivly random, but very informative if you know how to decode my phrases and tidbits of my mind.

Anywho, when I get famous, I wanna have a diffeant kind of fame. Most celebs are like too...idk...its like...hmm... Its like they can't be real. They can't do real things because they are so judged for it. Then they get apologetic when people are all up in their face about it like WE all don't have our downfalls. If a celeb gets caught smokin weed, it all over the media, its all in the news, endorsements get taken away, people have negative things to say. but come on! Regular people do that stuff everyday! Stop being so effin judgemental just because they are famous! it just irritates me, and I dont wanna be like that. if I do something outlandish, or tabloid/tmz worthy, i just wanna be able to say, yea? ok? is their a problem? I'm living my life mofo's! how bout you do the same? Basically, I just wanna be myself, but with a stronger credibility so people will listen to the things I have to say.

Is that so much to ask? I dont think so...

We shall see everyone. we shall see. I know that most of my peeps feel me. Do ya feel me??

In other news, I am still pretty freakin lonely. I mean I have friends and everything, but I dont have a boo. idk if i need a boyfriend persay, but boo? i could use one! male or female! But i just don't wanna force anything, I want things to be naturally the bomb. i wanna be able to call them up and say hey, lets randomly do blah blah blah, and they're like "OK!" or i say, come over and lets watch law and order online, and they say "OK i'm bringin pizza and wine!" (thumbs up for the pizza). Someone to just talk to about random philosophical stuff that I always think about. Someone to be my own personal psychologist (which means just listen to me ramble and say "mhm". ya know? just something like that. I dont have that. I feel like an emotional caged bird. Sigh. Oh well. I'm trying not to force anything, but let's see how long this lasts.

Ok yall! enough of my rambling. Let's see what you guys have to say about this post...


Thursday, July 15, 2010

I DONT GIVE A F%&#@!!!

ladies and gentlemen on the i would like to talk about censorship. Mainly online, and some in real life. I can be a very opinionated person when I wanna be. I can also be very explanative when it comes to certain things in my life. But...I am soooo freak censored online! I don't talk about NEARLLLYYY as much stuff as I really want to say. That goes for cursing, adult content, pictures, videos. Now don't get me wrong, I push the limits all the time. Example being the picture above hahaha! That was one of the first (professionalish) pictures I've ever taken actually. But let me tell yall this one thing...I mean hey! Im a girl, girls look at themselves. We wanna know what we workin with ya know? So we sometimes want to take pictures that may or may not be explicit, lol...I'm not sayin any names, but ya know!

I really don't know tho, because when I loo around the internet on all the social networking sites I'm on, it seems like most of you all have no type of censorship whatsoever! You just say what you want, when you want and how you want...its just all out there. And I'm like, do you alls parents read this stuff??? Cuz I tell ya, that's one of the main reasons I don't really go as far as i could with certain family! They allll are my facebook friends, they allll basically follow me on twitter, they allllll watch all the youtubes I make, its like sheesh! I just don't know people. me any my family never really had all that openess goin on. Everytime anybody asks me about something unorthodox, I pleed the 5th like there is no tomorrow. I don't even tell them about boyfriends. I dont tell them anything!

And also, I know that once something is on the internet, its like a permanant documented archive of whatever you said or showed. and people can just use that againt you whenever they feel! And idk about yall, but I'm tryna be something with my life. But hey, I guess the things I go through are a part of my life, and maybe sharing them will inspire others to...idk.

As far as real life goes, I also have aloooooot alot of things that I want to say to people at certain times, but i just feel like...i shouldn't say them for some reason. I dont wanna seem like an a-hole or a biotch, but there are just sometimes when I really want to say things to people or share things with them, and I just don't. I am actually a semi-shy person in real life...sometimes. I need to grow a pair and just tell everyone exactly how I feel. I think the truth in every situation is always best.

I have so much built up inside of me that I just don't know how to outlet it. I also don't really know how I feel about sprawling everything out there on the internet like that. My blog is a place for me to be real. And for the most part, I am! But I do keep aloooooot alot alot of all my crazy stuff in. lol...

oh goodnes...

Maybe for the next couple blogs, I will just be completly uninhibited and just say what ever the f*&% I feel!

hmmm, what do you guys think?


Sunday, July 11, 2010

Welp, I know I yack and yack about my self coonciesness alot, but whatever man, that's just how I am I suppose..Im a girl! But anywho, I wanted to talk about a sort of taboo-ish subject. Cosmetic Surgery. Even tho LOTSSSSS of people get it and spend so much on it, nobody wanst to admit it! Only a few people do, and those people get critizied for it. So yea, I think it's taboo.
I recently saw a clip of the Tyra show online (LOOOVED that show btw, too bad its off air now *tear**!) about black market cosmetic surgery. These girls were on there talking about how they got some kind of procedure done and that it ruined their life. This one girl went in for eye color change surgery, and ended up with a torn eyeball! Now she says her vision is all blurry, she's sensitive to sunlight, her periphrial vision is all outta wack, and the doctor said she may even go blind! And this other lady went in for butt injections, and they ended up having to scoop out all the substance they used for the injections because it was like....some kinda crazy substance you can find at a hardware store. bottom line is, people will do many crazy things to look as close to perfect as they can imagine. And yes, there are many crazy horror stories about all of this nonsense, but ya know...
I actually don't think some of the procedures are that bad, and I actually want some done.
NOWWW, before you all start coming at me with this "you don't need anything done!" "you're fine the way you are" stuff, lemme just say that I only would seriously consider getting minimal stuff:
1.) juvederm injections in the nasal flabiods and upper lip
(if yall don't know what that is, I really do need those things done, nothing over the top, but just to a normal level)
2.) laser scar removal
(for these wack marks on my face that never go away)
and 3.) laser hair removal
(i get razor burn like a mug! ouch!)
I'm not gonna lie, I thought about getting more, but I'd better just keep my list down to these few things. I believe that anything in the wrong amounts can be bad, same with plastic surgery. A few things here and there are ok to me, it's just when people start going over board is what makes them look all crazy and then everyone starts saying that plastic surgery is wrong and yadda yadda yadda. In moderation , I beleive its perfectly fine. I know however that some people out there get addicte to plastic surgery. but hey, people also get addicted to food, which makes them fat and unhealty.
Bottom line, if a person has really weighed all of their options, and goes about it the safe way, then we as society should not judge them. Because I mean hey, if we think they're ugly we will judge them, if we see them trying to change their apperance to be "pretty" we will judge them. They might as well do what makes them happy.
As far as being "fake", like many people like to call nikki minaj. Let me tell all yall something...a lot of things are fake! NEWSFLASH! Girls wear make up, girls wear weave, girls wear spanx, girls wear push up bras, some wear color contacts, some girls dye their hair...and yes, some girls do none of that stuff...but really...think about it...who????! and is that really the type of girl all the guys are going after? lets be honest. We only have ourselves to blame.
peace out yall!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

sup home slices??

I really do like blogging, but my lfe is just so ahhhhhh!!!!!! all the time, ya know? But I have a lot of topics recently float into my head, so hopefully I will blog about those things. And also, don't be shy! If you have a topic you want my opinion about, just let me know and I will definatly make a blog about it. Work with me people!

In Bretony update news, I will be going to an orientation at the Manhattan Neighborhood Network next week about the broadcasting classes I will be taking there. YAY! after I'm finished with the classes, they will let me use their equipment and facilities to help make my show ready to be on TV...and then guess what? IT'S GONNA BE ON TV!! IN MANHATTAN! I just can't wait for it all to come together so I can get this show on the road, ya know? Work is still kickin my a word every week. I really do think I work too much. Is all this money worth it?? IS it?? well, atleast I like where I work. Some really funny stuff goes on there. I hope my bosses let me film there!

I also have an obsession with David Guetta and rock band on my itouch right seriously, everybody needs those things in their life.
I've been saying alot that I'm going thru a 1/4th life crisis on twitter and stuff. I'm not too sure you all wanna hear the boring details of my life crisis concerns.

but if ya do! let me know, and I will tell in my next blog alllllll about it.

aight yall, if have to get back to doing nothing on this very boring Saturday. HOLLERRRR!

p.s. hotter than stolen tvs at a pawn shop here in nyc! what is this, summer of sam in this mofo??
comon son!

Monday, June 07, 2010

UPDTAES in this mofo!

(I'm trying this new thing where I'm checking my spelling and grammer for blogs now. BLAAAHHH, but I figure, I may as well...try? Eh.)

Hey everyone! It's about 2:05AM. I have to go to work at 10:30 tomorrow morning, but I'm up for some reason. I'm sitting on an air mattress in my new Manhattan bichesss!! Yes that's right, I am finally ACTUALLY in Manhattan! My room is pretty darn cool too (minus the whole practically sleeping on the floor thing). My roomates are cool as well, I hope we don't start hating each other and getting on each others last nerves tho. But I'm a pretty easy going, low maintence mami, so there should be no worries. I have stopped using twitter completly (for now). I don't know man, twitter just got really freakin irritating for some reason! Too much bragging, boasting, fake a** friends, wack a**/cliche' "advice", know-it-all, posers, hoes, and just all kinda bleeehhh stuff. I'm not making any promise that I'll stay off for good tho lol, cuz I mean...that stuff is addictive son!

Anywho, my life is pretty good. My job is great, my bosses are even greater. I'm not broke at ALL anymore (well maybe still a little). I party all the time, and go out and meet really fun, cool peeps. It's lovely.


What's next? I came out here for a reason yall. I need to be successfull in what I'm trying to achieve. What exactly is it that I'm trying to acheive? It seems so vauge everytime I try to explain it. When people ask me what I'm doing, how I'm doing it...a lot of "um's" and "you knows" are involved. I would like to start giving these people a solid answer. I would REALLY just like to not even have to say anything, and let what I'm doing speak for itself. I need to figure out how to get to that point. I need to figure out what it is exactly, goal wise, I am trying to obtain so that I can speak it into existence.

In case you guys haven't noticed by now in reading my blog, my ways may seem extremly unorthodox, but I accomplish every. single. effin. thing I put my mind to. Really I do tho! Go back and read my old stuff! It's kind of amazing. I know that since I am finally in Manhattan, I need another specifc goal to work towards and obtain.

Sometimes I feel like I have lost my...sparkle? Eh, I don't know you guys. I know what I want in my heart, but communicating it with the rest of the world is the hard part. I have to get my mojo back. Someone help. God?


I live with actresses now! So maybe that will help motivate me to do ish! I also favorited a website with a list of the top 100 entreprenuers who succeeded without a college degree (which is something I DEFINATLY do not yall know how much I owe Wayne State/ the government????). Basically, I need my creative juices to start flowing again. I feel like those tiny little angry beavers from the nickelodeon show have built a dam on the river of my creative juices, and stopped the flow. How do you get rid of dams?


Lots of things have been irritating me lately, my mind needs a sedative. Or maybe, a hot summer romance. Yeah, the second one.


It totally sucks that I've stopped tweeting, cuz i be having stuff to say! Whenever I think about it, I jot down tweets on my blackberry. Lame, I know, but here are a few:

-Its crazy when I see white people who are more tan than me :/

- Lmao @ "Brooklyn we go hard" shirts and the people who wear them

- I have NO idea why i try to do mad stuff RIGHT after I paint my nails. grrr

bye bye yawl!!

Monday, May 17, 2010

hey guys!

long time no talk to....i figure i should start blogging, because i just really feel like it, and 2, i got a freakin check from google last month! holla @ ya gurl!

but seriously tho, all of them dont have to be super long. like this one really isnt gonna be (its freakin 2 am and i have to go to work in the morning!)

i feel like i work too much, i dont really like that feeling. but atleast im making enough money to do things. and guess what!? im moving to manhattan june 1st! hollerrr! more details to come...
also, sorry, no new pics of me, but dont worry, here is a nice looking girl to look at. my future wifey, yum...
holler later!

and i have 2 mistresses too...

Saturday, April 10, 2010


Suuuuure this may seem fun. Sure this may seem like that thing everybody is doing and talking about. And I mean hey, it might be tons of fun, don't get me wrong. And I know that practically everyone I know has an active sex life, or has atleast had it before. But the tone of this blog is not going to be a happy one. Its going to be a blog filled with FACTS about Std that everyone should know!

See the problem with health class and psa's and pamplets and stuff like that,is that even tho they may be informative, they sugar coat! they dont give you the whole truth. thats why people arent as paranoid as they should be! get paranoid people! paranoia saves lives! (well, actually im not too sure about that in particular), but my point is, not enough young people are serious about being safe. when they very well should be if you want to live past 30!

Now lets talk about stds... there are many many many of them, and many differant kinds. YES you can have more than one at the same time. YES the same std can come back again, even if you have "cured" it. There is no one test that can check for all std, so if you go get tested, they may have to do a number of things. Some stds, as well as HIV, may not even show up as positive on a test when you first contract the disease. HIV, for one, can take MONTHS to even show up in your system. So you can have it for awhile before even it to whoever else you have sex with. This is also the same for herpes, many people have no symptoms for YEARSSSS, that is why it is so widely spread. Oh yea, and there is no cure for herpes of HIV...once you have that ish, you stuck with it....forever!

Some testing places dont even ask which tests you want, they just test you fot the most common ones. You have to specifically ask to get tested for things like herpes and HIV. It is best to ask as many questions as you can to know exactly what you are getting and when. "i dont know" and "i dont wanna know"...those arent answers people!! wtf??! you better get all the testing you can while you're ALIVE nah mean?? and why would anyone willingly want to spread a virus? especially to people they (may or may not, but should!) love?! it bafels me!

And if you THINK you practice safe're probably sadly mistaken. even WITH the use of condoms, many diseases can be contracted, all they need is skin to skin contact. that includes, oral sex, as well as anal. having sex with a person who has herpes, even when wearing a condom, there is an 80% chance you will contract the disease.

but lets not worry about the little diseases right now, those are the least of your problems:

HIV is like the worst one ever that you could have. First of all, as i said earlier, it can take a while for it to even show up as positive on a test. so even if you do have it, and get tested, it can say negative. WRONG! Once you have hiv in your blood, there is no way of getting it out. ever. its just a part of you. there is lots of suffering that goes on with the disease. it literally breaks your body down from the inside out, slowly over the course of a couple years. There are a wide range of symptoms you can have, one is being sick all of the time because it deteriorates your immune system. you can get all kind of skin sores, candisis, brain tumors...just all kinds of crap! after you have hiv for awhile, you'll probably get aids. and oh DEFINATLY dont want aids.

now, most updated websites may say "life expectancy with aids can vary on a lot of differant things, blah blah BLAH! On average, once you contract full on aids, your life expectacy is about a year. yeap thats right...alive on new years, DEAD by christmas. its a sad truth people. we do not want this diesease spreading all around. ew! God bless the people who do have it, but i mean, its nothing they can really do about it now but pray...and stop spreading it! and inform others.

Now i dont really want to scare you guys to death...realistically, you probably dont have hiv, so dont go runnin around thinking you are about to die. In america, about 1.4 million are said to have the disease (1 in 4 dont know tho). Almost half of those who have it are black. Its most common in gay males. but this does not mean you are immune to it, more women are becoming diagnosed with the disease everyday. Some even passing it along to their children thru birth...doomed before they even have a chance at life. would you wanna do that to a helpless life?

point of all this. please immedialty go and get yourself checked out, stop bein so slutty and promiscuous and sexin who knows who from what knows what, and be SAFE. OR, my personal favorite, abstinence! i mean hey, go buy a dildo or someting, those are 100% std/hiv free (if not shared that is...ew @ that anyway). be informes, dont be blissfully ignorant. dont be ashamed to tell people to get tested or go get tested yourself. dont be afraid to ask questions. dont be afraid to speak up! you have a voice, God gave it to you for a reason. spread the freakin word!!

and thats some REAL truth for that a**!

once again, thanks for listening to me!!



Tuesday, April 06, 2010


what in the high hail just happend man??!!

i swear yall, i really, like literally have a week of extreme good luck followed by a week of extreme bad luck ALL THE TIME! i dont know when it started. maybe it started on like a really small scale, with just one bad thing this week, then one good thing the next. whatever, all i know is that now, my life is on a strict schedule of good week/bad week. let me begin by telling the good that happend last week:

first of all, i was begining to hang out with some cool peeps...a girl i went to high school with and a couple of her friends. also, my friend who i did a modeling job with last year told me about another hosting type job that paid 25 dollars an hour just to stand around, mingle, drink all night, and look pretty! it was really fun! and there, i met lots more friends. Even a girl who was on antm! i also met aj who use to be on 106 and park. and he gave me the digits! i was feelin bomb. On top of all of THIS, my job gave me a %20 raise! im tellin you, i was on top of the world. but i had knew by then about my good week/bad week system of life, so i knew something was gonna be goin down the following week. i tried not to think about it.

on the the bad week.

amoung being paranoid all week about a health scare, and my boo telling me inadvertantly that he thinks im tainted and he worries about me tarnishing his image later on in life, this week was pretty blah. firstly, friday night everybody and they MOMMA was textin me, bbmin me, callin me about wanting to go out this weekend. i was like cool, let me go to the mall and get something to wear. as soon as i get to the city and askin everybody where they are...NO body can come out anymore...

what in the sam hill was up with that??? i was all extra cute too, smh. i did hang out with one of my friends tho, but she had to leave early because she was gettin yea, some of that. (aint mad at ya!). then, bank of america sends me some punk letter about my balance only being 13 dollars overdrawn, which i though cool, i can just pay that and have my bank account back. WRONG! i went in and they told me that was for my savings account, and my checking had been completly closed and sent to collections. great. and to top it allllll off. i got yet another letter in the mail today saying that the irs has "applied all or part of my federal refund to a debt i owe" and when they say all or part...they meant mutha fckin all!! thats right people, i have zero money back from taxes. aint that about a bitch and a half?

so as you can see people, this is one example. this stuff really does happen like this to me! super crazy. im not too sad tho. yea i wanted to buy things with that money, but oh well. what can i really do about it. idk if i told u guys this before, but my rule for life is, if its something i CAN change, then change it. if its something i CANT change, i just have to forget about it. stressing over it helps what? not me! cuz you break out from stress, and i cant have that!

annnnyyyywhoooo, idk you guys. im still gonna try to move to manhattan. im going to look at some rooms to rent out tomorrow. wish me "luck"! ha!!

p.s. i wish i could just get an apartment with a roomMATE instead of just looking for a room. its wack cuz i dont know these ninjas!

p.p.s i REALLY wish i just had a boyfriend i could move in with. but ehhhh, doesnt look like thats happening anytime soon.

p.p.p.s girlfrined?? (lol...)

peace and love!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

the path of a tear rolling down the side of your face is weird.

it doesnt go straight down, it curves.

and if you're laying down it curves even more.

and it tastes really salty if it goes in your mouth.

and its never just one by itself, never.

well maybe with others, but not with me.

it eventually stops.

but sometimes not for awhile.

i look at it as cleansing. impurities leaking from your body.

like sweat.

its just an overall crazy process if u ask me.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

hello everyone!

dont know what to blog about, just feel like typin.

this wont be too long tho, cuz i think im about to get on ustream or skype.

it doesn t matter how much talent you have. lots of people have talent. its about oppertunity...or better yet, oppertunities you make for yourself.

its not about what you know, its about how you use what you DO know.

being a happy person will get you further in life than being an evil person.

random: why do they always pick people who can ALREADY DANCE to go on dancing with the stars?!!! it aint fair!

well, thats about it, lol. the next blog will be about something real, promise!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


My dreams are effin weird these days! and i always have dreams. i have really been dreaming and dreaming up a storm, but none of the dreams add up. they are all random and weird. i cant remember too far back right now, but in my dreams last night (i had like 3), i was beating people up! one person was my little sister, and one was a girl that one of my exs cheated on my with. lol...HECK if i know what those are supposed to mean. i was also fighting this boy who was supposedly my brother (he was kinda fine low key), definatly looked like he could be my bro, but he was super buff.

and i do remember this one dream that was kinda like a movie. it had a title and everything! i forgot what it was called exactly, but it was something like brownstone commons (it was actually a much cooler name, i shoulda wrote it down) it was about high society and magical/ mythical stuff. it was really really cool. but most of my dreams have some kind of violence or... "passion" lets just say. but i wont get into those right now!


anywho, im at work supposed to be workin, but help me figure this out!!

p.s. why the EFF is alexis movin away???!!

Saturday, February 06, 2010


ok yall, im tired of all these depressed a** blogs i've been writing lately. my life is actually pretty good (besides being broker than a b*tch!).

i have a really nice job, most i've ever been paid hourly (aint THAT much, but its good to me!), got me a place to live, im in the greatest city ever know to man kind! i party all the time, i have pretty good friends. im doing fairly well for myself considering!

i just need to learn to be more thankfull, as do we all!! and also learn how to appreciate the little things in life...

like the bad girls club! thats my show! those girls are all freakin crazy in their own way and i love it. sometimes i wish i was on one of those group house type reality show things, but i just DONT wanna be on a reality show. can i just like do that in real life? and film it myself?i think i could produce a better show than that anyway.
i have not given up on my dreams you guys! i am still aspiring to become the tv/movie personality that i've always wanted to be, and inspire millions upon millions of people to live their life to the fullest and enjoy every second of their existence.
i wanna be something like a less vague, less wordy deepak chopra lol. i like him! and he always be walkin around new york!

a couple quick things, since i dont really tweet alot anymore:

-my dad sent me a text message saying he misses me and he said i should call. ahhhhhh!! my family misses me, what is the world coming to!

_my blackberry is shot to HECKK! i accidently threw it while i was dancing in the club one night, and now some of the main letters needed to type dont work. it freakin sucks man! i need a new phone!

-i still do not have internet OR cable at my house...and now not even a phone! so you can imagine how bored i be!

-it needs to hurry up and be summer so i can go clubbin more often! clubbin is so fun!

-why do i always use exclamations!!??

anywho, thats it for right now, im just at work, about to go home...not really in a rush, i dont have plans on this gloooorious saturday night. except to smash some food like luscious did the homies.

what about you guys? :)

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

i know my place....

yeap. i do. i know it now. every guy has that one special girl in their life that just takes over. no other girl compares to her. girls can go thru guys like water, and fall in love with every single one of them, but guys...when a guy falls in love? true love??? its over son. no other girl will ever compare to that girl. so its really no point in anything you do. yea they still like to have fun every now and then, and i mean hey, so do i, but at the end of the day i have to remember my place. which is nothing. i have no place. i am the fun one. not the permanant one. i am the fling, not the real thing (lmao, that kinda made me crack up a little bit...but still sad).
i am however someones special girl. "special" girl. its confusing.
i know im the highest ranking girl in their world, however, my score of 100 on his scale is actually a 50 on the global scale.
(is this making sense, or is this whole blog way vauge? ohwell!)
as most of you may know, i am a huge attention whore. i have yet to find the right mixture of attention and anti-annoyance all wrapped up in one cute little package.
i feel as if me being the highest isnt enough for him to want me the way that all the other highest ranking girls are. they get talked about. i dont. they get surprized. i dont. they cause pain. i dont. its just...not how i imagined it to be ya know.

people shouldnt let technicalities be the reason they arent together. technicality??? wtf! that means u never really wanted it right? that means that u could just take it or leave it right???

why dont rich white guys like me?? atleast if a white boy doesnt really love me i could get some cool jewelry or something. blah.

all i ever do is give. but what do i get? nada...not even love.


if any of you out there really know me as much as you think you do, u should know that one of my many dreams and goals in life is to go live on an island. a very very primative island where i dont have to wear clothes or do my hair. i would also like to sleep in a hut and not wear shoes, and eat mainly berries and fish that i grab (or maybe not be personally, but one of the natives or somethin) and i cook it over an open flame that i start from scratch (again, not me PERSAY). it just seems like the most freeing and liberating thing ever to me. i would love to just be free. go swimming in clear blue waters all the time. i hope there are no bugs tho, cuz ew. thats why i have to pick my island very carefully. it has to be hot all year round so i can not wear clothes all year round. has to have fishies available for me (or someone else) to catch. lot of palm trees. lots of freindly animals that i can call freinds, not lions or scary crazy animals.
if any of you have ever seen that movie blue lagoon, something between a mixture of that and the island from lost.
im not sayin i wanna be stuck there, just be there for like a year. maybe 2. eh, idk. i just really wanna go and relieve my spirits. i do NOT wanna go alone. agh! i'd go freakin crazy! i get lonley in nyc! wtf! if i ever get married, i would take my husband and kids maybe if he's up for it. if not, i would take any of my friends that would want to go with me. it would be kinda like survivor hehehe. i just know it would be totally cool. just dont knw what i'd do all day. maybe i 'd blog, write a book. make some videos. pray all day. eh who knows. i just know i need to do it.

i go to the island in my dreams and stay there till i wake up. its nice there, trust me. i cant wait to go there in person. who wants to go with! :)


i cant wait till my hair grows back down to my lower back (yes bichos, it use to be down there!!). i didnt appreciate it when i had it. i didnt really know how good i had it back then. i was trying to be differant and have short hair. i was trying to be edgy or something. i was trying to be anything but myself. it seems like im always trying to be something other than myself. i find myself always thinking 'oh what if i had this...if i only had that...why dont i look like this...why cant my hair look like that??' its pretty darn sad people. i must say. but i have my perfect looks all planned out. wanna hear em?? ok! (even tho i feel like i've blogged about this before, i've updated a couple things):

i would be 5'10", bout a c cup, 24 inch waist, 38 inch hips (i think thats enough, dont want it to be TOO huge)
my skin would be like one shade darker than it is now (me with an all over tan basically)
my hair would be Middle eastern textured (i love their hair texture) down to the middle of my back (extra long hair irritates me)
really long natural eyelashes, smooth smooth, extra smooth skin with a blemish at ALL (except for my freckles on my face...only a few over my nose and under my eyes...i love freckles!!) a couple beauty marks on my back (the ones i have now will work just fine) naturally light purple eyes (i think that would be so mysterious and unique) and some nice pouty lips...

and thats all! is that too much to ask? i dont think so. i keep telling myself that one day i would probably get some surgeries to look like what i just described. but then again, a couple of the things i described were described with the word 'natural' now weren't they? so that would be kinda pointless. but then i think like, why do i always wanna change myself so much? because im not perfect. is anyone? yes, it seems like it. but they arent tho. no matter what i think. or are they?

what if i did infact try to alter myself so much to the point where im nothing like what i was before. do i really want that? because there is only gonna be one me. if i get rid of me...then thats it buddy, no more me for the world to see. and what if some of the world likes me fore exactly me? what if i was meant to be exactly who i am right now? every single blemish, every single strand of crinkley hair, both of these regular a** brown eyes? nobody else is going to have these same exact things the way i have them. what if the person im suppose to be with love me for exactly who i am? (ha)

anyways peeps, point is, i can complain all i want about what im NOT, about what i could be. so could all of you. unless you are just one of those rare freaks of nature who "loves everything about yourself" gtfoh...
i could walk on my tip toes all day trying to appear taller, i could poke my lips out and wear as much make-up and fake hair as i want trying to hide who i really am. but at the end of the day. i a who i am....for a freakin reason. instead of asking myself why me, i should be asking what reason. (those sound kinda similar, but yall know what im tryna say dang it!)

i really do dislike my hair tho, lol. i mean sometimes its cool. but its ALWAYS a lot of work. i just wanna wake up and go ya know? im all about easy.

holler back! :)
love yourselves...


....i cannot WAIT till summer, i wanna go to a nude beach

....i miss tiwtter a litte, but blogging lets me say more

....i be havin some straaannggeeee dreams yo

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

What happend to human interaction?

Me and technology have a love/hate relationship. I love it for the obvious reasons that everyone loves it for, but I also hate it just as equally...if not more! I was sitting in chipotle today (so freakin good! but sooooo effin expensive, smh), and I was all by myself. i had my ipod. i had my phone, but i was alone. i was texting one of my friends while simultaneously listening to some lady gaga...but i was alone. I began to look around. Besides a few couples, a lot of the people in there were alone. I kept trying to make eye contact with this irish looking white boy who was reading a book about armageddon. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to talk to SOMEONE. i get tired of freakin texting all the time. I get tired of not talking to actual people, of being around people. who's to say we cant talk to random strangers and spark conversation just for the sake of simple human interaction?
Everyday i get on the train to come home...and silence! unless the people know each other ofcourse...silencio! everyone is doing their own thing. ipods, phones, many things to preoccupy people and distract them from interaction. What ever happend to people just walking up to one another and conversing about current events, things going on, anything!

i know it seems weird, but i always hope that whenever i go out alone, someone really really cool will just start randomly talking to me. like a genuine conversation. and nooooo not no "aww ma, lemme try and holler at your for a minute because you are looking kind of fine" type of crap. that is why i try to appear so available to talk to. i stare into space alot. i try to do inquisitive things so people can inquire...ya know? i know that sounds super weird, but i mean hey.

its sad that most of my friends these days derive from online. dont get me wrong, i love all my friends and im thankfull for them, but its crazy when 90% of the time, im typing to them rather than actually talking to them or with them in person. its crazy how someone would sooner @reply me on twitter as oppose to calling me or comming over to visit. i know i know...its much more convinent. blah blah blah. but it still sucks.

i miss people.
but do they miss me?

Its truly sad that whenever i take a break from twitter i feel super lonley and less people feel the need to contact me. wtf is up with THAT??!! is twitter my freakin lifeline?? do i have no life outside of twitter? do YOU ALL have no freakin life outside of twitter? yall act like yall dont even know a ninja if im not tweetin every 5 minutes! sheesh ka bob!

idk yall, i just like talking and having INTELLIGENT (keyword, intelligent) conversations. if you have nada to say, i mean well hey, thats a differant story son. when i find someone i like to talk to, i just want to talk to them all the time. sound kinda selfish but oh wells! it be like that in the hood!

annnyyywhoooo. im out like flare leg pants. holla!! ;)

Sunday, January 31, 2010


Pardon my language, I really try not to use swear, I really do! But sometimes I am straight up provoked! And I can't think of any other word to describe you fake ass e-gangsta wannabe hard core thugs...than ass-holes!

The provocation of this particular blog stems from what I just witnessed via twitter...tha grammy awards. (That's right people, I didn't even watch the freakin thing, but twitter kept me in the know of every single play by play. Crazy right!?) Anywho...everything was pretty funny until the very end when apparently taylor swift won the award of album of the year over beyonce and lady gaga..amoung others. Everybody on my timeline just started goin HAM! "F*** taylor this...I hate taylor that...that b**** is lucky...why is she always so surprized?!!" Just so much hate! It was really sad to witness. I mean yea, even I personally wanted gaga to win, but I'm not bout to sit up here and completly BASH this poor young girl who OBVIOUSLY on for some reason. And to all those who say kanye had something to do with it...FIRST of all, nominee's aren't even judged on chart, sales, or any of that other stuff, stricktly talent. And no, regular people don't judge it, just the recording academt members, so gtfoh with all that. And everybody who talks about her "acting" surprized...I mean shoot! We're yall ninjas not surprized??? Why does it have to be fake that she is too?? I mean got dang! She know she got all yall mutha f****s hatin on here so its not like a "duh, I'm gonna win" type of thing. Back...thee....f***....up. Damn!

This particular instance tho, lead me to realize that people on the internet are just ass-holes in general! I mean, ur always talking about someone, bashing someone, making fun of...its like sheesh is thatall you all do is be mean? Type mean things? To preserve your hard core ass-hole image? Like why, ya know? Why does everybody strive for that ass-hole persona? It is NOT cool! Why not strive to be a nicer person, a better person maybe?? What, u think ur gonna get made fun of or something?
What the eff is wrong with being a NON ass-hole??? This world is effed up yo.

My point in life is definatly not to bash people. I can understand if you are irritated, if you are making jokes and what not...but all the damn time? Chill!!!
Even the most ass-holeish people of them all have that moment of clarity when they realize like dang...why am I like this? (*cough* kanye *cough*)

Even someone I know very personally...the biggest ass-hole I've ever known in my LIFE has recently had a breakthrough. its not all its cracked up to be people.its really freakin not. There is nothing wrong with being nice...kind. Why give off so much negative energy by being a bitch? An ass-hole?
I have met a couple people from online in person, and I must admit, I like everyone better in person...100%. And those who ask about the people I've met are sometimes like "ugh, I don't wanna met them cuz of the way they are online..." And I'm like noooo! They're much better in person! Why not be the same everywhere?? Eh, I guess some things get lost in translation via text and computer as oppose to voice and a lucid actuality of being present.but I'm just sayin!

PLEASE people, do not strive for this. I wish you all wellm I hope my next blog can be more upbeat, but I just had to let yall ninjas KNOW up in here...

Anywho, back to watching pulp fiction. Night!!

And if ya don't know, now ya know! :)

Thursday, January 07, 2010

SMILES, SIGHS, and MCDONALDs APPLE PIES (2 for a dollar baby)

Hello all who read, all who follow, first time readers...everyone! Happy friggin new year! And my what a year it has been. Not only is this my first blog of the year, but its also my 100th blog post mofoski's!! (Yea I'm sweet like that, ask about me!)

Anywho, last year was full of...excitement to say the least. The beginning being TOTALLY and unexpectedly differant from the ending lol...and ya know? 09 was kinda bangin!! Even tho I laughed and cried throughout the whole thang. I'm such a baby. This was truly a pivotal year tho, I'm out here on the east coast all on my own. And boy is it ALONE. I spent christmas all by myself. Well actually I worked and had subway for christmas dinner. Yum right? I DID go back to detroit for thanksgiving tho, cuz I got a modeling job in october that paid me freakin awesomely!! BUTTT I ended up being back in debt again thanks to the WORST month of'n november! Gosh I hated that month with a passion! Can't even tell yall why tho, smh. Alexis knows all the details tho. Shout out to alexis! ( cuz she likes it when I say her blogs!)

Also shout out to Pierre mutha freakin Fontenelle! My kneegrow for LIFE! I would still be back in lame Detroit doing lame things if it weren't for him.

...Uh, whoa, this is not about shout outs B!
Lady gaga was my free b*tch of the year. I BEEN up on her since the beginning of the year. Thought she was my little secret! Nope, yall stole her! Hmmm....what else. Oh idk man, I just missed bloggin! Yay blog!
I've been out here officially 6 months now, I think I'm pretty comfortable here. Atleast I didn't go crawling back because I couldn't make it. I'm determined. And this year, everything else will now fall beautifully into place.

This year wasn't all peaches and herb tho (ahhh!)...lots of sad, depressing, struggling times. I'm actually low key kinda strugglin right now...thanks to stupid November! I swear that month had me ALL effed up. I have a new job now tho, just got it a couple weeks ago. Blah @ jobs, but whatevvvvaaa.

Twitter has taken over my life. Its kinda sorta like blogging I guess, but in a differant way. So if u follow me on there, you know what's been up! If ya don't follow me...

Why df you aint followin me!!?? :)

Annnyywhoooo. As far as relationship status...sigh. Idk yall. I left my heart in michigan, but he didn't follow me. He doesn't want to either so eh, I've been exploring lots of other things...LOTS of other things...TOO many dang things!! Smh!!! But its all been fun tho, I wouldn't have changed anything. I still miss my heart, but idk what I'm gonna do about that. I claim that I don't need to be with anybody right now...but it just gets so loonnleeeyy :(
I do not like being alone. Not one bit. Not at all! I do not like them sam I am!

Oh, oops.

But yea guys. Hope your year has been great. Hope this next one will be even better. I know for me it will be! Just wait and see! I'll try to blog more often and keep ya updated since I know some people care... (Ha haaa yall caaare! Yall are gayy!)

And get some apple pies from mcdonalds cuz that sh*t is poppin. But not from manhattan, go to the hood where its still 2 for a dolla.

Mwah everyone! Holla at meeee!!