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Friday, April 25, 2008

BIPOLAR

Hello everyone, It's bretony, everyone's favorite weird girl. im back....for a while...after a loooong departal....from everything...yall just dont know. i can be a very private person at times, not wanting to share anything with anyone except like one or two people in my life. at other times, my life is an open book...of chocolates! but seriously tho. i have lots of drama. mainly in the fact that, there is no one in this world on my side except for myself. i use to wonder how people did it...live thier seemingly perfect little dumb lives. they are in college, they drive a nice car, always have nice clothes and still manage to have time and money to hang out with their friends and boyfriends and what not... its because they have help! and they've had help thier whole life...or maybe not their whole life, but a good portion of it. there is no way in the world they could be living life like that by themselves unless they slangin or hoein!
which is what i might have to start doing. just mosey on over to the dark side for a while, until iget myself back on my feet. i have been playing by the rules my whole life. or most of it at least...well, 75%, but still, a good portion. i just dont see any other plausible way short of a miracle for me to wake up in the morning and not be like, what the heck am i doing where am i going with my life, what does it all mean!!
what i think it is people? bretony is going through her quarter life crisis. as much as i dont wanna admit it, im turning 21 next month. and i have absolutley nothing to show for it at this point. im worse off than when i was 18 for cryin out loud! i go through so many struggles on a daily basis that its kinda not funny. ranging from a wide aray of things, form men, to looks, to personality, to career, to spirituality, just everything. so many emotions racing through my head at a time but none of them making sense. i dont know where to turn or who to confide in. all i have is me right now. just me. just bre. and i dont see a light at the end of my tunnel. i need a miracle, some help, or a change of mind via a psychologist. or i need a new game plan. and evil game plan....
but i will talk about that later. what i wanna talk about now is the disease that i think i have. bipolarity.
i think i am bipolar. there is one particular instance in which a recurring cyclical chain of events unfold at differnet times of the day or even the week. it is based on my apperance. it may seem like i like the way i look. YOU may even like the way i look. im not gonna lie, most people do like my general over all look. and sometimes, so do i. but its just like other times, sometimes maybe even the next day or next hour, i can look in the mirror at the same gurl and be like, ulgh! is that me? why do i look so horrible. i look terrible! i dont feel worthy of life!
and then its like other times, i look in the mirror and be like, damn! i am one bad b word! i look better than all the people i know! no wonder everyone is in love with me, and then i get the camera out and start snappin pictures uncontrolably. and its like this for me all the time! you dont even understand. its such a hard an confusing thing to grasp on to. its like i just dont get it. but i finally figured it out today that it is a result of my bi polarity...a chemical imbalance in my little body. sometimes i try really hard to perfect my flaws, i have so many. i try so hard that it make me sadder when nothing works. then other times, im like eff it. and i just accept it and try to move on. i waste a lot of time and unnessecary money on constantly trying to improve myself but nothing ever works. there are times when that is all i think about. and there are time when i dont think about it at all (those are the times when there is usually something else going on in my life).
and its not even about people telling me, "oh bret you know your beautiflu what are you talking about, your gorgeous, things will work out.."
i've heard it all before people. i hear it almost everyday, but it has little or no impact. its hard to show the real me. its hard to look people n the eye with confidence all the time, even if the "claim" to like what they see. most of you only see me with my best efforts. i cant even BEGIN to be comfortable in my most natural state...and that is hard.

sigh.
i dont know yall, i just dont know. you know how you look at some people and they just seem to have it all...like looks, talent smarts, friends, loved ones...
sigh.
when will it be my turn to bask in all the glories that life has to offer? when? like i really just wanna know the date so i can have something to look forward to. i just want to be straight for my b day. its may 26th. i hope people can love me for who i am.
such a hinderance. sorry for this being so long everyone...
SIGH*****

if you dont know, you better ask somebody, its the truth.