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Sunday, March 02, 2008

ok you guys...
soooo...., i kinda sorta did, what i was kinda sorta gonna do. but not really tho. i know at this point you all may be a tad confused as to what is even going on with me right ow. my world is like totally spinning in a weridout of control type thing. that is why ladies and gentlemen, my skin is breakin out like its i am legend up in here (you know like that disease broke out? it was a joke! come on!)
anyways tho, i guess i gotta tell you all whats going on now, no more beating around that bush. I forgot what alias i used for my male best friend who i use too...ya know.. with, but i started talkin back to him recently after being banned from ever speaking to him again by my crazed, now ex, boyfriend. Also, my ex was still living with me. Now yeah, that seems a little weird, but i thought that me and him had a complete understanding that we were broken up, and that he was just still staying there until he moved out in about a month. That situation was cool with me. ofcourse tho still, he didnt like it when i talked to best friend, so we would often get into arguments over that. eventually tho, ex started really goin crazy. and when i mean REALLY goin crazy, i mean REEEAAALLLYYY goin CRAAAAAZY. ex would make threats to me about what he was gonna do if we and best friend didnt stop talking. he would follow me around the house when i would talk to best friend. even hacked my dang email account to everything i sent best friend forwarded to him! just psycho stuff.
have any of you ever seen that movie misery? the situation was kinda like that...ex being annie wilks of course, and me being paul. the more i think about it, i actually really is exactly like that movie! ex trapped me, kept saying that realtionship wasnt over after all, and that he would never leave the apartment, and that i would just have to stop talkin to best friend or he was gonna make us stop talking. at times, he was even plesesntly cordial about the whole thing, just like annie. me on the other hand, being completly helpless and trying to take matters into my own hands in my own certain way. but we all know how misery ended right?i a a woman of peace. or atleast i try to be. i dont wanna bring violence all up in my house! i dont wanna involve all these extra unnessecary people into this that dont really have to be. i really would like for no one to get hurt. but as each day progresses, it seems more and more of a slim possibility. its looking like there will be casualties. hopefully not that many. and hopefully not me.
the flip side to the story tho, is that with every increasisngly crazy thing ex did, i grew more and more closer to best friend. i was calling him all the time, always thinking about him. more than i had ever had before. these new found feelings that i had for best friend were over taking me. everytime ex would threaten our friendship, i would get more and more defensive. i couldnt let me and best fridn end like that, not again. i was doing anything i could to keep us together. i know he didnt deserve to be involved in my drama of a horrible break up, but he was. i felt the need to protect him from it. to protect US from it. i ihad to see him. so i did. me and best friend. i sat there looking into his eyes and didnt know what kind of mistakes i had made over the past two years, but i wanted to fix them all just to be with him. before i went back home that night, we shared what may seem to anyone else just a regular kiss. it had been so long....but for me, it was much more. i stil think about it all the time. try to recreate the perfection in my head. i want it again. i want it everyday for the rest of my life. but now is the part that really hurts. best friend and i could never be because of ex. crazy ex. i was still living with him. still arguing. still mad all the time when i was in my own home. his ultimatum? stop talkin to best friend immediatly or else. ex became very persistant, sending me over 100 test messages in one day expalining how we would work out as a couple if i only stopped talkin to best friend. how he was sorry for everything wrong he did to drive me away. how he would fix everything. wtf?! i didnt wanna fix anything with him! for some reason, he just does not want to let me go! i know im all that and a bag of chips, but dang man. just dang. i couldnt take it anymore, i sent best friend a message, i told him that i loved him too much to just be his friend, and that the pain was too much to just be that. maybe we shouldnt talk anymore. it is true that if you love something you must let it go. even tho i had absolutly no intention to get back with ex, i also had no intentions of continually hurting best friend, and me for that matter. i thought that message would alleviate some of the stress that i had in my mind about me talking to best friend as if i could only be friends with him. that is just waay to hard to pretend that you dont love someone for so long, also not knowing how they even feel about you, but not wanting to risk it. so just eff it is what i thought. i will just be by myself, just me. just alone.
i left ex in the house all alone with his crazy thoughts, all by his self. i told him that i could not be in the same house with him anymore. he however still wanted to talk, to work things out. i didnt.
best friend called me that night to talk about the message i had sent, and what it meant for me and him. he was a little upest. i didnt quite know why. he wanted me to explain why it was that we could not talk. i tried to explain to the best of my ability with out completly breaking down. he asked me if i knew how he felt about me. i didnt. i had to go. befre we got off of the phone tho, best friend told e somthing that i will never forget. he said that he did...L word me too....
what was i to think about that?! what was i to do??!!! at that moment, i realized that he is the one that i wanna be with. him and only him. but due to the circumstance, i couldnt....
i didnt talk to him today. however, i did talk to ex. he wants to know when im coming home so we can talk about "working things out". he sent me another 50 billion messages... i eventually responded, why do you even still want me?
...[he said] because i love you.